Mum desperate to look after my new baby.

[Tacras]

Years ago I had an arrangement with my mum where she would look after my dog one day a month so I could go into the office. Dog walkers weren’t as common place as they are now, and certainly not in my area.

Then my brother had a baby, and my parents offered to look after grandchild once a week (and on the one day each month I needed for work. Grandchild trumps dog, fine, but it left me in the lurch, as it was done without warning or discussion.

anyway, water under the bridge. And I’ve got other support in place and whole thing is sorted. I’ve since told DM that I am pregnant and she is delighted. And wittering on about how much of course she will look after baby one day a week so I can go back to work.

Im just really pissed off. She has left me in the lurch with care before; I don’t know when I am planning on going back to work; it feels like she could’ve helped me out previously, but she likes this option better. I’d much rather plan reliable care for one thing. But it’s also the assumption that I’ll hand baby over one day a week without asking me what I would actually find useful or supportive.

Indeed. We had a nanny for a while. She was absolutely lovely and reliable but also had 2 bouts of serious illness. There are no perfect arrangements and different approaches work best at different stages. One day a week with a grandparent could be good though. It's not too much and she wouldn't be your only childcare. There's lots of time to work it out.

Yes it does.

But does a standing arrangement with your daughter not at least deserve a conversation before just being binned off in favour of a newer, more interesting prospect?

I'd be extremely annoyed if something I relied on was just pulled out from under me with no discussion, as I'm sure most people would be if it wasn't for the fact that most of MN just like to remind people that dogs and children are different.

That’s not some weird mumsnet thing. Dogs and children being different is just a fact, people would point this out on other forums and in real life too.

My mum was adamant they (both parents) could do one day a week for DD when I was pregnant. They live 200 miles away and she was insistent they could get here weekly for the start of my work day with no issues.

I asked what would happen if one of them was unwell, or there was an accident? She said they'd "make it work". Then proceeded to "rearrange" visits to me & DD when I was on mat leave because my sister needed her or my aunt or my uncle, or so and so from church wanted to do something. Fine, as long as it's not leaving me in the lurch being able to work.

She was offended when we decided on nursery for every day I was at work. But when I pointed out I needed to know that every Thursday DD was reliably looked after rather than worrying that I'd be late to work because the traffic on the motorway was bad, however we could make sure that we had plenty of "fun" grandparents time, she got over it.

You need the reliable cover. And if you don't take the nursery place for all the days you need it, you likely won't have reliable cover.

Would it need to be either/ or? In theory if you choose to go back to work part-time or full time your child you go to nursery 2-4 days and your mum could look after them for one day. If you don’t want her involved at all then fine but it sounds a bit like you’re cutting your nose of to spite your face. Because of this one incident with the dog.

To me, her offering to care for the baby IS supporting you. She can’t support you with things you don’t even know that you want help with yet? ‘Thanks mum that’s really great to know that support is there if I need it’ then do what you want to do. But I wouldn’t write her off as unreliable based on what you’ve said.

It is a fact, I have both a dog and a child and I'm very aware of it.

But if OP had just said "mums let me down with support previously with no discussion or warning, so I'm unsure I want her to do childcare", not a single person would say she was wrong, whereas because she was let down on doggy care in favour of child care everyone is just saying well of course child trumps dog.

They are different. But for me it was stopping an occasional favour that allowed me to go to work; in favour of doing something for my brother 4 times as often so he could go to work.

There was no discussion or notice. And I was given 3 days notice that I would need to come up with an alternative. I just don’t trust now that if she makes a commitment that it will be delivered upon.

It’s your prerogative.

You don’t have to justify it to anyone. A day a week is a fair input so do whatever you think is right.

My mum hoped she would do regular childcare for me. Nearly seven years later I have barely left her alone with my mum and likely never will. Here are some of the things my mum has done that have shown she’s unreliable:
Had someone deliver weed to her house while we were visiting with dd as a toddler. Then put said weed in a drawer in a cabinet exactly the right height for a toddler to get into
Despite me having zero tolerance on having her unpredictable, nervous dog around my child, I literally went to the bathroom once and she brought the dog in for the toddler to pet (thankfully with a muzzle on). It jumped at my dd and knocked her to the ground and left a mark on her face. Mum says it’s my fault because I didn’t “let the dog get used to dd when she was a baby”
Encourages her to go on an ancient swing set out the back garden. The wood is completely rotten and the thing is about to fall apart.
Buys/ finds wildly unsuitable second hand junk for her to play with eg. a bike with rust on it, nerf guns but no “bullets” so she MADE some, ornamental ceramic figurines
Plus she is generally emotionally manipulative and was emotionally abusive to me as a child and an adult
I visit with my dd a few times a year and I am watching like a hawk the whole time. There is less than zero chance that I will ever change my mind about this.
If you don’t want your mum to mind your kid, just don’t let her.

It was a dog! Bloody hell. 🤣

It's not about the dog. It's about the fact her mum gave her the commitment of some support she needed then withdrew it without discussion or notice for her to find an alternative.

This leads to a lack of trust that she will actually follow through on the new commitment she's trying to make.

Doesn't matter whether her mum was looking after her dog, ten children or a ragdoll she was unusually attached to. She withdrew the support with no notice and that meant OP was left in the lurch.

She's not telling you what you need to do. She's saying what she's able to offer. She's sayinh, if you are booking care (which often has to be arranged 18+ months beforehqnd) that she wants to be a free alternative one day a week. Be gracious!

Does she still look after your nephew ?

What if your brother has another child ?

If she was unable to commit to one day a month for you previously how can she commit to one day a week every single week for you now ?

I don't really understand what you are moaning about . She has offered to look after your child one day a week if you return to work. It's ages away. She's not holding a gun to your head insisting she has the child every Thursday.
Looking after your brothers child was more important to her than looking after the dog and I'm sure that was annoying at the time. It does show that her priorities are grandchildren and not dogs!

No fuck that. She doesn’t want to help you she wants to help herself out by doing things that she prefers doing. If she wanted to help you out she would have looked after your dog and told other parents sorry I’ve got a commitment to Tacras on Mondays. But a baby is more fun for her so she wants to do it. FWIW my baby’s been in nursery since he was young and is absolutely thriving. I’ve never left him with anyone else (including family).

Totally agree with this. You sound so ungrateful. Your mother isn’t obliged to look after your dog or your child. You are lucky being offered support like this.

“I’ll look after the baby when you go back to work” is a very generic, inoffensive statement and tbh I’d struggle to find anyone who would find fault in it.

I don’t want to come across as patronising but you don’t know how you’ll feel once you’ve had the baby.

I’ve a 10 month old and just about feel human again - postpartum is an insanely exhausting, isolating and of course joyful but stressful time. I just wouldn’t be looking a gift horse in the mouth and needlessly burning bridges for no reason. You’re going to need your mum, don’t let this silly thing be the reason why you don’t get a break once a week.

If she wanted to support op then she would still be looking after the dog once a month so no it's not about supporting op it's about nanny wanting baby time.

I would only use professional care. She's being presumptuous already about how she's going to look after your baby. And she's shown you she's not entirely reliable. You need strong boundaries and it doesn't sound like you have them here.

Easier to use a crèche.

Of course she’d prefer to spend time with her literal grandchild than a dog?? I honestly feel like I’m missing something on this thread

So what ? Just don’t take the offer then if there is a problem with “nanny wanting baby time” Babies are way way harder work than dogs.

She hasn’t offered. She’s demanded. She’s said “ I’ll look after lentil for you each week so you can head back to work” and when I said I wasn’t sure of our plans yet she said “don’t be ridiculous, of course you’re going back and I’ll look after lentil just like i do for your brother”

(lentil- don’t ask)

I honestly can’t make any sense of your problem

You are missing something.

She withdrew her support (for looking after OPs dog) with 3 days notice and left her in the lurch. OP is concerned that if she takes her up on the offer to do childcare more regularly than she did dog care she'll be left in the lurch again.

It's not about the dog. It is about the previous support being pulled out from under her with no warning.

Exactly. It’s not about supporting me. It’s about wanting time with baby. Which is fine, but I’d rather use that help for social and ad hoc things, where it doesn’t matter so much if she changes her plans or lets me down.

Not turning up to the hairdresser is less of a problem than not turning up to work.

Sure, but that means she shouldn’t even get the opportunity to spend time with her grandchildren on a regular basis? One strike and you’re out, forever?