Mum desperate to look after my new baby.

[Tacras]

Years ago I had an arrangement with my mum where she would look after my dog one day a month so I could go into the office. Dog walkers weren’t as common place as they are now, and certainly not in my area.

Then my brother had a baby, and my parents offered to look after grandchild once a week (and on the one day each month I needed for work. Grandchild trumps dog, fine, but it left me in the lurch, as it was done without warning or discussion.

anyway, water under the bridge. And I’ve got other support in place and whole thing is sorted. I’ve since told DM that I am pregnant and she is delighted. And wittering on about how much of course she will look after baby one day a week so I can go back to work.

Im just really pissed off. She has left me in the lurch with care before; I don’t know when I am planning on going back to work; it feels like she could’ve helped me out previously, but she likes this option better. I’d much rather plan reliable care for one thing. But it’s also the assumption that I’ll hand baby over one day a week without asking me what I would actually find useful or supportive.

Just say no if you don’t want her minding the baby. Simple as that really. I don’t see the point of this thread.

YABU. No excited grandmother is going to turn down the chance of babysitting for the sake a dog. Yes, she let your arrangements down but jeez let it go. This is so petty.

I’d feel much more comfortable with something formal and paid for in place if I am needing support so I can work

So why are you asking mumsnet? You already know what you want.

Agree it’s better not to rely on a parent for childcare day to day if you have any doubts at all about them.

But she had a commitment to the OP. The whole point is she broke a commitment and left OP in the lurch. If it were me I’d think my mum doesn’t really care about leaving me in the shit.
And don’t assume all people would prefer to spend time with a grandchild than a dog…!

Had she proved to be reliable in terms of babysitting for your Brother?

If so, I would go ahead and let her babysit one day a week.

I appreciate the dog situation upset you, however I don’t think that’s an indicator of how reliable/unreliable she would be with your baby.

No, but is childcare the only way to have regular time with a grandchild?

Neither mine nor DHs parents do childcare while we work, because neither of them can commit to every week without ever "dropping us in it" last minute (for want of a better phrase), and we would not be able to get last minute childcare and therefore it makes it difficult for us to be at work.

Both sets of parents see DD regularly. All the cousins go to DHs parents one weekend day, sometimes with one of their parents, sometimes both, sometimes neither. Sometimes one will miss a week for something else but it's still regular. My parents live further away, but visit every fortnight and we go to them for some weekends / use some annual leave for a visit.

OPs mum can still have regular time with her grandchild and OP can have reliable childcare. They aren't one and the same thing.

Also, agree she should have given you proper warning etc so you could arrange care for your dog.

I wonder if she just got so swept up in being a Grandparent that she thought everything else was unimportant (even though it’s not).

Was your nephew her first Grandchild? I find Grandmothers go doolally with the first grandkid and forget that anyone else exists!

It wasn't that op was dumped , it was that her mother preferred to look after her grandchild than a dog. As she should. And suggesting that op should " use" her mother is horrible phrasing

Yeah but she wants, and is offering, to do the childcare. I just think she should be given the opportunity to prove she is reliable. Tbh I probs wouldn’t think cancelling a once a month dog sitting arrangement would cause so much upset? I’d be sorry, but for it to cause such an issue that I wouldn’t even get the chance to help my daughter look after my grandchildren? Just seems a bit much, in my opinion.

Honestly I would just let it go. I take any help I can get with mine. Was a bit cagey about handing over my PFB to the in laws… but that changed pretty quickly. Yes she will let you down at some point, but that’s life. It’s better to have more options than burn your bridges prematurely.

Exactly this

Getting a place in a good nursery for weekly childcare is far easier than only 4 days a week. You’d probably have to pay for the 5th day that you didn’t use too. Plus your child would be more settled with just one childcare place than being messed around with by granny coming some weeks and being busy other weeks etc

It’s just never that simple though, is it. “She broke a commitment to me once so she doesn’t care about me” - life is waaay more nuanced than that. It just doesn’t matter that much in the end. We’re all just atoms floating in space. Let your mum babysit OP! Put your phone down and be free

It seems like a kind offer from your mum, and YABU about the dog thing really. It’s not equivalent. I’m sure when it comes to it you’ll be grateful for your baby having one to one care and attention from her granny rather than another day in nursery so don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

You might take her up on the offer when you find out how much nursery costs are 👀 honestly take any help you can op

You just sound super precious. Hold a grudge much?

Anyone that “told me” they would be looking after my child too would be told that the baby is my child and myself and my husband would be the only people making that decision!

The first world problems on this site..🙄
Half the posters complaining that their mums won't babysit, the others complaining that they won't babysit in exactly the way they want.
Don't use her then.

If a person has shown me they are unable to meet previously agreed commitments, I’d not be setting up any other arrangements with them. Once bitten……etc.
I agree that formal childcare seems a more sustainable choice for you.

i totally understand your problem with this, and I think that I would be the same. It’s that you mum have just decided something for you. When you are the mother now and get to make the right decisions for your child.

when my little boy was born it time some time for my mum to understand she wasn’t in charge of what was happening anymore and it was up to me and my partner in relation to our little boy. she’s a great grandparent and loves him so much but she is a grandparent which I think your mum also needs to work out.

You sound miserable.

OP i do get when youre coming from. I know alot of people on here will call you ungrateful and say she's offering help etc. But after having 2 kids I've realised most of the time when people offer childcare it's not 'help'. They just want to have fun with baby when they want to and alone time. Before anyone starts my DM has BOTH my kids when I go to work but not cause she demands one to one time, it's cause she actually wants to help me. She will pop over and do bits round the house when I'm wfh and most nights I cook dinner for her family and my parents and send it over to them. So yes I know what you mean about offering help vs demanding baby time

You don’t want her to have the baby because you’re still carrying a grudge that she stopped looking after your dog, let’s be fair.

Honestly though I would have given anything to have a mum who looked after my baby one day a week. I had no family help and when I did go back to work I paid a fortune for childcare. I would just keep quiet for now and see how you feel once the baby is actually here, you might find you’re glad of her help!

OP I sort of get it. We use formal childcare for the reliability, for work and I much prefer doing this in school holidays now to asking my parents. My parents offered to have DD for one day a week temporarily while I found childcare due to a change in job role. The amount of times she cancelled or forgot she'd double booked and I just had to find someone else last minute or take annual leave. I based a booking of a 5 week course on dates my mum could help with (one day a week). Went ahead and booked / paid after she confirmed. But then she was only able to actually babysit 3 of the 5 weeks, she forgot she double booked, then something better came up one week and she begged me to find someone else so she wouldn't miss it, and I had to take DD with me because I had nobody else! Then when I had 2nd baby they agreed to be childcare for the birth, but then booked a holiday the week before my due date.

See how you feel when baby is born, ask bro if there's been any issues. If in doubt, get name down at a nursery. Places are much more scarce these days with the new free hours.

I genuinely feel much happier when I've got formal childcare booked. It is bloody expensive though, so sometimes a bit of anxiety and risk is a trade off for the free childcare 🙈

You don't have to let her watch your baby if you don't want to but you're being rediculous about the dog, a dog doesn't need a babysitter, they can be left alone where a baby can't. It's really odd that you're still mad about it.