Mum desperate to look after my new baby.

[Tacras]

Years ago I had an arrangement with my mum where she would look after my dog one day a month so I could go into the office. Dog walkers weren’t as common place as they are now, and certainly not in my area.

Then my brother had a baby, and my parents offered to look after grandchild once a week (and on the one day each month I needed for work. Grandchild trumps dog, fine, but it left me in the lurch, as it was done without warning or discussion.

anyway, water under the bridge. And I’ve got other support in place and whole thing is sorted. I’ve since told DM that I am pregnant and she is delighted. And wittering on about how much of course she will look after baby one day a week so I can go back to work.

Im just really pissed off. She has left me in the lurch with care before; I don’t know when I am planning on going back to work; it feels like she could’ve helped me out previously, but she likes this option better. I’d much rather plan reliable care for one thing. But it’s also the assumption that I’ll hand baby over one day a week without asking me what I would actually find useful or supportive.

You obviously know best! 👋🏼

Also, you're saying they have to earn the right to spend time with your child, by doing other unfun stuff first? It's so twisted. It should be entirely independent.

Fucking great? Leaving me scrambling around after giving me three days notice she was dropping a commitment. She had also made the agreement with my brother weeks before so could’ve given me warning, but she forgot.

Hasn’t done anything to help me for years. Is pushing to know when I will go back to work because she wants 1-2-1 baby time. No interest in helping me or actually doing anything useful.

Fucking great? Really.

I think you keep answering your own question and you know whats right for you - all respect to you - you’ve read the room - they are not reliable

make professional arrangements and it will feel so much better - a good boundary feels great and is empowering

My parents drove 200 miles when I went into labour to look after my dog while I was in hospital, because that's what I needed.

It also meant that they got to be here, in my home, when I brought DD home. Everyone wins.

OP is asking then for support for while she's in labour and they're only thinking about what they want, which is to be the first to visit baby in the hospital. Not what OP, who will be going through labour, possibly traumatic, maybe even major surgery (because who knows), needs to have less stress.

OK. Sounds like you really dont like your mum very much.
Support isn't your right though. No one has any right to receive support. Its assistance that others chose to give, or chose not to give.
Sounds like you're prepared to make a point about your mums failure to provide the exact kind of support you wanted by not facilitating the grandparent relationship as much as you otherwise could, which is sad for your child.
But up to you of course, no one here really knows your mum like you do.

No. I said repeatedly they can spend time with baby. They do need to earn my trust to be seen as reliable and dependable care if I am going to use it for an important work commitment.

You know what, I actually agree with this sentiment. You are completely right,they perhaps aren't to be relied upon.

I think what's jarred a lot of posters is the resentment about them and nasty tone towards your parents, it just seems a bit OTT and unjustified?

In reality it just needs a "no thanks mum, I'm going to have a childminder but I'd love you to babysit here and there".

Essentially, there just seems a lot of unnecessary anger towards them?

My MIL threw a strop because the hospital was still under COVID restrictions and she wasn't allowed in. She then refused to come visit at home because it was too cold for her to go out and insisted we should take our brand new baby to them in freezing conditions before bringing her home for the first time "so I can see her before Ipsy's mum". Because my mum was actually here, doing something helpful.

The "MIL might get there first" comment isn't always just fun, light hearted. Sometimes a mother might genuinely mean it in a competitive, self serving way.

You are insane
Its a do. And a granny wanting time with her baby is not a sin.
But just tell her no then as she is so unreliable.

Mine were super competitive and then just got bored and gave up? Just stopped trying? Then the little comments came, I just let it wash over me.

My parents are helpful and supportive and not at all competitive.

DHs mum is the opposite, but if you don't give her exactly what she wants, which is only baby time, not to be helpful to her children, she tells anyone who will listen that she offers to help but we keep her grandchildren away from her.

Now, I don't particularly care if that's how she wants to frame it, because I know it's different to that. But it does mean DH sometimes has family members questioning why we'd do that.

Agree 100% OP, your parents do not appear to be reliable and you cannot trust that they won’t change their mind at the last minute, if they get a ‘better offer’.

This!

I don’t understand why pp are finding this concept difficult to grasp.OP isn’t saying her dog js more important than her niece / nephew, but that her mum had agreed to do something then changed her mind with next to no notice.

OP, listen to your gut.
You know your parents.

The help is very conditional.
Not a chance I would give them the power to mess with work.

Make arrangements for formal care and tell them thanks but you want an arrangement that you can rely on.

I'm not a dog person at all but I think your mother let you down badly with short notice.

Not a chance I would give her the opportunity again.

She helps on her terms.
Don't depend on her.

Tell her she can be back up care but you need regular dependable care and she isn't it.

She doesn't sound great if she refuses to provide OP with the help that she does want but insists on providing the help that she doesn't want.

Her mum sounds like she is in competition with OP's in-laws as she wants to be first out of the starting blocks after OP has had the baby so that she gets to meet the baby before OP's PILs do.

People are just responding based on the fact that your mum has offered free child care one day a week, which is like the holy grail for some posters. However, they have skipped past the bit where you've told your mum that you haven't yet decided whether and when you are going back to work but your mum has told you that you must definitely go back to work so that she can look after your baby.

If your mum had said 'I don't know what your plans are about going back to work, but if you do go back and don't want to put your baby into a nursery full time, I'd be happy to help by having the baby one day a week' you might feel more inclined to accept.

Clacker ?ew

FFS they won't walk and feed the dog once you are in labour / had the baby because they want to visit the baby ?!!!

Why on earth can't they help with the dog first then visit you in the hospital.

You put your baby into childcare, do not rely on your Mother's help.

my dm left me down over my dog but never let me down over my dc

Once someone has let you down, it’s best never to rely on them again, unless their excuse is totally cast iron (most are not!!)

Yes it is selfish of them.

helping someone is doing what they need, not what you want or you decide they need.

unless they’re medically qualified they’re going to be more than useless if something does go wrong. I was in that situation- all my parents could do was sit outside. They went home and sorted my cat, cleaned, cooked for dh, brought us things we needed and made sure neither of us needed to worry about anything. It was dh who needed his parents there to support him while he made decisions.

what happens if there’s a toddler at home? Do they refuse to look after them in case something goes wrong and they want to be at hospital.

someone asks you for help, you do what they ask. You don’t agree then decide that’s not actually the help you want to give them.