Being labelled unreliable as a working mum

[Positivegirl]

I am absolutely working as hard as I can. Because I have to pick my child up from school I am now labelled as unreliable. I work extremely hard and I see colleagues at work completely slack, turn up late and not meet deadlines. I have been labelled as unreliable because I am a working mum. I don’t have another choice but to work, I let work know it’s half term but I still go hard I work 200% while my child is in half term and never miss a meeting or deadline. I do school drop off/pick up and run back to work. I travel for away days at work I run back to get my child and run back to the desk.

it’s never enough I’m doin the best I can and it’s heartbreaking to have people who don’t have children to tell me I’m not doing enough and that I am not reliable when I know I’m performing more than others. My project manger is always late, canceling meeting last minute and not meeting deadlines for us as a team to continue working. But I am unreliable as I leave to go pick my child up (in the hour that would be my lunch break as I don’t bother having lunch)

I feel like giving up I work for me and my child to give us a good life but I’m not doing enough there. Then in motherhood I’m working to hard.

im drained to the bone with judgment from both sides from people I know could not juggle what I do as a working single mum. Im fed up

Flexi time in the civil service (and most of the real world) doesn’t permit working while caring for a toddler. These arrangements are good for working parents (I work flexi time in another public sector organisation) but it doesn’t stretch to paying people a full time wage to work part time hours.

What the rest of us have 'got figured out' is that your employer doesn't pay you to look after a 2 year old in your working hours. Which is what OP is doing for 2 hours every day and then all day every day in school holidays.

Are you saying that you as a child free person would be happy to work 7 hours a day and get paid the same as a colleague who only works 5 hours a day and then works no hours a day for the 12 weeks a year it's school holidays? You think OP should get paid to look after her own child on work time?

She's not being penalised for being a parent, there are millions of working parents and we have to pay for childcare while we're working, OP thinks she's a special case and shouldn't have to do that like everyone else does.

I think the issue here isn't that your leaving for a hour to collect your child. The issue is you then go home with the child and "work" from home with child. You said u r only gone max a hour but ur not, you are gone from the school run.

She says she is getting her work done on time and in full. Victimising her for having a child is out of order unless her actions are effecting the quality/quantity of the work she is being paid for.

She actually sounds like a great employee - just because her ‘working hours’ are more unusual why should she be victimised? Unless her contract specifically states she needs to be available between 9-5 or similar then they don’t have a leg to stand on by bullying her into conforming to some arbitrary ‘norm’.

If you want to keep great employees sometimes you need to think more flexibly.

If she is logging off from 3-5 to care for her child and then logging back on 7-9 once her child is asleep then why does that make a difference?

The only people who you should be worrying about that you refer to as believing you are unreliable is your boss. It does not matter what you perceive to be offered to other people or if they are taking the Mickey unless the employer is directly discriminating against you. You seem to expect your work to accommodate all this but you don’t have it agreed. You are fed up because you haven’t got a agreement for your work pattern. Plenty of people are suggesting you do this or drop/ consolidate hours with UC top up whilst you have young children, alternatively look for a different job. Working parents do find childcare they don’t use the excuse that none is available so they can get paid for full time hours whilst looking after their child.

In this day and age where flexible working is supposed to be the norm I don't think you are being unreasonable.Where I work majority of the staff are women and highly specialised in their field. My boss is very pro active in ensuring that they have a good work life balance..She says it's not forever and if you lose that talent you never get it back.
Lots of people work until 2.30 then leave to work from. home.And they manage their work load accordingly.

No where has OP said that her work have agreed she can stop work at 3 then work 7-9. She's never even said that's what she's doing, she said she goes back to work after the school run - ie when her toddler is awake and needing care and attention She's been very cagey about it and never said she's only working after DC bedtime.. She's never said that is the deal work know about or have formally agreed she can do.

And no one can actually think her work know or have agreed that she can work while looking after a 2 year old in school holidays. You can't do a full days work after toddler bedtime and you can't work while in charge of a toddler.

I don't know how you're seeing OP as being victimised, she seems to think that it's her work's problem that she doesn't want to pay for the amount of childcare she needs.

OP have you applied for Universal Credit? It would be worth looking into, even if you are only entitled to £50 a month (for example) you would then be entitled to have childcare costs reimbursed up to 85%. They take into account your rent and pay towards the cost of having a child. You would be surprised what you are entitled to, you would get help with childcare costa so they could be at nursery longer and you wouldn’t have the stress of working with your little one in the house and it would ease some of the burden/stress you are under. I’m not sure why everyone has jumped down your fucking throat to be honest! You are dead right about women leaving the work force, it’s difficult enough juggling when you have two parents to help with costs. You sound stressed and I can see why!! Please just apply for UC and see xx

No OP decided she wouldn't get UC without actually checking, then when loads of posters suggested she drop her hours and get UC to cover the difference she said everyone was saying she should give up her job and live off the taxpayer.

I don't think she wants solutions, she wants everyone to tell her she's doing an amazing job of work and parenting and that her line manager is just nasty to her because she's a parent.

I read through quite a lot of messages, and maybe you’re right. It is very annoying when people don’t look for a solution, maybe I didn’t read through enough to see that was the case. Hoping OP just checks it out!

No I mean they can take their lunch hour at pickup time then wfh with kids there. Very few don’t work compressed/ pt/ different hours. Why does it matter if they are delivering?

I don't think there is a job you can deliver properly while also looking after a 2 year old. 2 year olds need all your attention, it's not like working from home with a secondary age child.

I think you're being VVVVU and it makes me cross that parents try to play the system like this, and avoid paying for childcare by trying to "work" while looking after their children at the same time. I say this as a teacher who forked out £40 for a babysitter to look after my children so I could do (remote/online!!) parents' evening uninterrupted last week. I was in the house with my children, but I knew I wouldn't be looking after them properly (they are in primary school) and wouldn't be completely focused on my parents' evening appointments if I didn't have childcare. It's people like you who a) are giving women with young kids a bad name (ie 'unreliable'), and b) causing employers to want a return to the office. You're taking the mick and it's not fair. If it's your working hours, it's your employer's time, not yours or your kids'.

There is a huge difference between wfh with school aged children and preschoolers.

And not every employer can accommodate the 2.30 bolt out the door. I know someone who effectively lost their job because of it.

It seems everyone arrives late or causes some form of disruption to the working situation. Arriving late causing issues with deadlines. Yet your only focus is her? If it's ok for them then it's ok for her.
And yes. I am child free. And yes I have given up many of my hours. Christmas, birthdays etc for those that have kids.
I don't have an issue with helping others. They also returned the favour when I needed it. It's called give and take team work call it whatever you like. If your always butting heads or not picking one another it causes friction in the work place.
She has already said she isn't under any kind of underperformance review etc they are happy with her work at the office. They would just like for her to drop everything at a moments notice.
Her colleagues while able to do this seem to be showing signs of burnout due to this flexibility. Being late all the time and underperforming causing issues with deadlines classical red flags if I'm honest.
But let's focus on her a second. She was employed knowing she has children. Everyone's support differs greatly. She pays for adequate childcare. She has permission to pick up her child. Life unfortunately throws things at us that unless you have a crystal ball can put a spanner in the works. Should those with kids have some flexibility. Why not. How many breaks do smokers get. I know a colleague that has minimum 1 hour over her alloted time. Yet the boss smokes. So he dont care. I have to cover them. Do I get extra. No I don't. It happens. The point is here. Parents tearing down another parent.

Are you reading the same thread as the rest of us?

OP does not pay for adequate childcare. That's the problem. The picking up the child in lunch break is totally reasonable, the expecting to get paid while looking after a toddler isn't. It isn't 'flexibility' to be looking after a child when you're meant to be working, for 10 hours every week and then full time on school holidays. I don't believe anyone wouldn't resent a colleague who did that.

She works from home. Do you know how many people work from home whilst looking after kids? I guess not.

Haven’t RTFT, but are you on a union OP?

To be fair that’s probably why so many workplaces are pushing for people to come back to the office because people do take the piss!

I absolutely know who does this at my work because they are never available for last minute meetings. But I’ve not known many to try to do this full time with an actual toddler. Lots of leeway with school aged and older children, particularly for all those endless Mondays where school is closed. But full time for week and weeks with a 2 year old? I have never experienced this at my job (outside lockdown which was not an experience anyone should aim to repeat!)

Sounds like she is a bully! Look for another job! YANBU

Because you say you go back to work but you also say you don’t have after school child care ? So do you look after your child and work at the same time ? You can’t work with a 2 year old there.

Couldn’t have said it better myself … I was so angry my posh got deleted.

im honestly shocked at the replies here… thought we had turned a massive corner in terms of the plight of working mothers.

to the misery guts who was banging on about getting annoying that they pay for afterschool clubs and doesn’t understand why people should be able to supervise their little ones whilst working from home…. Afterschool clubs aren’t available to everyone … people with sen children for example …. Do these parents just not work … I guess you would then blast them for claiming benefits

I think she did mention she makes all meetings etc. It maybe difficult I agree. I have a family member that does it with 3 children and has done this successfully for all of their lives. Their youngest is over 5 now. They said it was difficult. But not as difficult as if they were going into the office. They had barely any support and worked evenings late so that they could accommodate the work place. So yes school drop offs were covered etc. but the evenings the kids were still about.
The thing is. The government want parents in employment. It almost demands it. And so the work place has to facilitate this. Who can afford not to work these days.
But empathy is lacking im afraid. We are all so used to throwing that first boulder.
Forgetting that no one knows what is going to happen in the future. And one day. It could be us writing on Mumsnet. Wanting a little help, motivation.
Life is difficult. Criticizing others is so easy. Almost makes some people feel high a mighty.
We all have the opportunity to be kind.

The pile on is from people having foot stamping tantrums...."I cant so you shouldnt".

Envy in other words.