To not get over losing loved ones as easily as others?

[Beautifulweeds]

I've always been over sensitive, even accidentally stepping on a spider, I feel awful, just the way I am. I've realised I'm an empath, so totally take in anyone feeling sad or hurt. If a stranger is crying I will help them, no matter what others say.

So my AIBU is for everyone else not to understand how grief affects me so much. I know I dwell, beat myself up about what I should have done more. I do get on with life, work etc but I cry so much and feel so much pain and heartache.

It's like I function but then when I don't have to I break down. I've lost quite a few loved ones, including my Dad 3 years ago, who I'm still coming to terms with, and recently by BFF of over 40 years a few months ago. I think about her all the time, can't let go, no one else can I talk to like with her, my soulmate.

With every loss I feel the emptiness in my heart grow that bit more and know getting older comes with so much trauma.

Yet I'm still me, bubbly, my personality, but it's an effort to do this. I do turn to alcohol too much, plus I smoke, guess I'm kinda thinking this is my way to go amd convincing myself I enjoy it.

So sorry for the long post and thank you if you've taken the time to time to read about my miserable mind.

Being at the bedside of your nearest and dearest watching them die is excruciating and the fear is I can't do this for my other loved ones because it's too heartbreaking 💔 and going in a downward cycle means I can avoid this.

Again, sorry, just pouring my heart out. Xxx

Sorry for your loss 💐

When someone dies, you don't have much other choice but to keep going. After my mum died I got sick of people telling me how strong and brave I was, as if I had any choice in the matter. What most people didn't know is that I was subsequently sectioned (more than once) and diagnosed with a psychiatric illness.

On the outside you'd have no idea. I'm constantly cracking jokes and silly to a fault. I try to make others laugh and smile, I seem very upbeat. You just don't know what people are going through on the inside.

My dad died 10 years ago. It is only in the last 6 months that I can even look at his photo without breaking down.
Yet to everyone around me , I’d have appeared fine because I simply avoided any difficult emotions by shutting it all out.

Okayyyy. I'll tell my GP to retract my diagnosis 🤣. I don't know how it affects other people admittedly since I'm not them. And I know OCD presents in a wide range of ways. I've just never heard of it affecting someone in this way.

OP I think you need counselling. You sound like you are heading towards becoming an alcoholic to 'cope' with your grief.

I'm regarded as the strong capable one in our family. It's because I know that the world does not stop when I have a death or someone with a terminal illness to deal with. I didn't cry at one of my parents funerals because I knew that if I did I might not stop and I 'needed' to be strong for my other parent. I'm not surrounded by photographs (very few in my home full stop), I don't go to a grave but I am often floored by hearing one of their favourite songs on the radio. My grief is mine alone. It is not for me to burden others with. My parent is dead and no amount of wailing, gnashing of teeth, or looking at photographs will bring them back - I hold them in my heart and they would be very disappointed if I wasted my life in outward shows of grief.

I'm seen as the same in my friendship group. Never cry. Not even at BIL's (who I'd count as one of my best friends) funeral. Nor the other 43 friends I've had die funerals. But mid March was the anniversary of the death of 10 of them (including BIL, ex BIL who I was also very close to, and other very close friends, all dead by suicide) and I could barely get out of bed, just lying there crying. But nobody other than my husband saw that. Everyone thinks I'm strong and I'm not, I'm just good at putting on a front

Sending you much love.

My mum died 3 years ago and it is very much there. It has changed who I am but embracing grief is part of living I think. Medicating grief with alcohol or anything negative won’t help you must nurture your life with positive things: mindfulness, religion, exercise something that feeds you good. It is hard though.

I’m veggie. One day would like to be vegan. Unfortunately I live in a very small deprived town/ there isn’t much choice for a vast of vegan products. But hopefully one day.

Is that good enough for you? 🙄

I wasn't trying to be rude! I was just genuinely wondering how you cope with going to a supermarket and being confronted with all the meat if you have that reaction to seeing roadkill. It must be really difficult.

Nope. It’s not really difficult having to see meat in supermarkets. For me that’s different to seeing wild animals having being ran over and probably suffering for a prolonged periods.

But thanks for your concern. Don’t worry about me. I quite enjoy doing my weekly shop.

So farmed animals live a charmed life and don't suffer at all? I think not! Anyway for someone who is so sensitive and caring, you certainly are very snippy!

Surely you’re not that daft to believe a vegetarian would think farmed animals don’t suffer.

I’ve answered your questions, no I’m not vegan, yes I can cope perfectly fine seeing meat in supermarkets and absolutely yes farmed animals do suffer, greatly. Anything else?

I do a job where we experience a lot of difficult things; child protection, deaths, emergencies and trauma. It’s not everyone’s bag, I get it, it’s manageable for me.

I’ve had more than one ‘empath’ tell me they couldn’t do my job because they would feel everything too deeply and cry if someone told them X. I’ve never been brave enough to ask, “are you really implying that you are more empathic then someone who has dedicated their life to this work and that’s your excuse to bow out of changing things?” FWIW I of course don’t mind people who say they couldn’t do my job, it’s not for everyone. But to imply that they are more empathetic and that gives them an excuse to do nothing about it? No.

@MrsTerryPratchett that must be infuriating to hear. So you can only do your job, caring for others, because you're so cold and heartless?? Right... 🙈

Sorry for your loss OP.
I agree with others that empathy isn’t a gift but more an awareness of what people are feeling. It’s not feeling their pain but knowing that they are likely to be in pain.
My DS is very good at reading people and his reactions are instinctive. But he has learnt that behaviour. Both DH and I have experienced a number of losses through his lifetime and we react accordingly, DH is not frightened of shedding a few tears at a sad film and has openly sobbed with DS when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. They didn’t do it in front of me because they wanted support me positively but admitted that they broke down together in private.
These life experiences have equipped us with the ability to cope. Loosing my parents when I was in my 30s, DH lost his DF when he was 3, means I’ve had to deal with grief while continuing with real life. In fact being busy with work, children etc is a great distraction. I would cry on my way home, listening to sad music, sort of resetting my emotions before going into mum & wife mode.

Most people learn to compartmentalise bereavement. Unpacking it when you have the time and privacy to “let it all out”.
I think the so called empaths are actually more performance based personalities who seek attention and acknowledgment of their grief. The rest of us are just moving on towards rejoining the world again. Maybe empaths struggle with guilt too, it is actually fine to enjoy life after a loss. I certainly don’t want my family moping around after I’ve gone I want them to remember me with laughter and fun and celebrate my life.

We recently lost my DSis, it was all very quick and so sad while it was happening and we did lots of hugging and sobbing both with her and away from her. When my other DSis and I arrived at the funeral we properly broke down and wailed together. It was like a final rush of deep emotion. Then it was sort of over, like the black cloud lifted.

However, I think losing a child would be very different. I had a number of miscarriages before DS came along, not in the same league as the loss of a child but it leaves you with a ghost of what might have been.
But like all losses life goes on and in time you can learn to live without that person. And you can be happy again. Hang on to the happiness not the sadness.

GPs don’t diagnose OCD 👌

I don't know why you're continuing to argue this? I was diagnosed by a panel of psychiatrists after being sectioned but they then referred me to my GP for medication and follow up care. Ok? I've had OCD for decades and it's seriously affected my life, especially as a teenager - I'm not one of those people who claims to be 'a little bit OCD' because they like things to be clean.

But tbh right now my CPTSD, depression and BPD (yes, also formally diagnosed) are more of an issue.

@Boreded I don't know whether to be angry or amused at your posts 🤣 I've spent my entire adult life getting fucked off at people claiming to be OCD when they clearly aren't and here you are, accusing me of doing the same thing. My husband has the same issue with anxiety. People saying they 'have anxiety' when they actually are just a bit naturally anxious about doing a presentation or something. Not hyperventilating and pouring sweat like my H when he has a panic attack.

Don't think you can teach me about any of the mental health issues I've mentioned mate because I've lived them.

I hope you're coping with yours well.

(sorry OP for the derail)

Some people rather enjoy wallowing in grief.
Perhaps you're one of them.

But you piss people off when you claim to Feel more than others, that you're SUCH an empathic person. AKA a "Grief Thief" 🙄

You have absolutely no idea about others grieving. You have nothing to compare your feelings with - only people's outward behaviour which signifies NOTHING.

If you really are sympathetic to others feelings then try keeping your trap shut about how very "empathic" you are - it's really annoying.

@BMW6 I mean you basically proved her point by saying she's perhaps "wallowing in grief"-which you obviously see as unusual. So maybe she is feeling things more than most? Why do people take such offence to this?

I see nothing that suggests she feels more than others.

I've cried innumerable times over the friends I've lost. It was the ten year anniversary of three friends' plus BIL death in the same week very recently and I could barely function. I just don't do it performatively.

I really resent being told I don't have deep emotions just because I don't display them in public.

@Andoutcomethewolves it's not like she's personally attacking you...I didn't cry at my dad's funeral, haven't been to his grave in years, won't be doing anything for father's day, don't talk about it to my mum on the anniversary yet I know I was deeply affected by his death for years. I'm not the least bit offended by anything OP has said. And it's not like she's told her family they're not grieving enough or something!

I totally relate about being stuck in the past though and unable to move on.

I know she's not personally attacking me! It was more of a general comment, but probably phrased badly. I just don't like people (not just me!) being viewed as not grieving purely because they do it in private.

She may not have said anything directly to her family but it's clear how she feels from her posts. And literally the thread title.

I will never get over BIL's death, or some other friends. BIL was my bestie for years before he met my sister (and continued to be for the decade they were together before he died). But to go on about it is IMO self absorbed. And to think that just because you talk about it more you're grieving more is dismissive of other people's grief.

Your way of grieving is different, some might even say performative

Your DH probably grieves for his Mum every day, just more privately

Absolutely this.

The only people I've met who have described themselves as empaths have been insufferable people, completely lacking in empathy and resilience who considered themselves to be more sensitive and understanding and, therefore, 'better' than others.

A bit like people who proudly identify themselves as 'people pleasers' and then get upset that others have boundaries and wouldn't do the same for them.