To not get over losing loved ones as easily as others?

[Beautifulweeds]

I've always been over sensitive, even accidentally stepping on a spider, I feel awful, just the way I am. I've realised I'm an empath, so totally take in anyone feeling sad or hurt. If a stranger is crying I will help them, no matter what others say.

So my AIBU is for everyone else not to understand how grief affects me so much. I know I dwell, beat myself up about what I should have done more. I do get on with life, work etc but I cry so much and feel so much pain and heartache.

It's like I function but then when I don't have to I break down. I've lost quite a few loved ones, including my Dad 3 years ago, who I'm still coming to terms with, and recently by BFF of over 40 years a few months ago. I think about her all the time, can't let go, no one else can I talk to like with her, my soulmate.

With every loss I feel the emptiness in my heart grow that bit more and know getting older comes with so much trauma.

Yet I'm still me, bubbly, my personality, but it's an effort to do this. I do turn to alcohol too much, plus I smoke, guess I'm kinda thinking this is my way to go amd convincing myself I enjoy it.

So sorry for the long post and thank you if you've taken the time to time to read about my miserable mind.

Being at the bedside of your nearest and dearest watching them die is excruciating and the fear is I can't do this for my other loved ones because it's too heartbreaking 💔 and going in a downward cycle means I can avoid this.

Again, sorry, just pouring my heart out. Xxx

I think you just don’t know or see how it impacts other people. My granny died at 92. It was a peaceful end. You couldn’t ask for better. But it floored me. I found waves of grief would suddenly crash over me when I least expected it. I forgot to fill up with fuel and didn’t notice the red light, so my car ground to a halt in the middle of nowhere. I know when either if my parents go it will be much worse. My Dad has been so ill for so long that you’d think I’d be inured to it, but I’m not. Every new emergency hospital admission sets me off. I was always a Daddy’s girl. It’s going to be gut wrenching. I don’t think I’m more sensitive than others. Grief is just like that. It is the price of live.

Not crying and being visibly upset isn’t necessarily a sign someone isn’t dealing with emotional turmoil inside.

I have a dear friend who cried at the drop
of hat - her own words, yet I seldom cry. To look at us you’d think I must be tough as old boots, but inside my heart is breaking everyday worrying about what will happen to my disabled child when I die. I have trauma that I didn’t know about at the time, mums died when I was barely an adult and was an alcoholic and always drunk form when I can remember and my dad was abusive. Had to get in with life as there was no one there to pick me up.

Lack of tears can often be a sign of people who have endured trauma and have had to deal with a lot of shit and that coping face is all they’ve known. It certainly doesn’t mean they aren’t sad/broken inside.

I have found in the past, those who tend to cry the most are the ones who have had an easier ride in life and these new emotions come out as tears but the old warriors have been there and done that and it doesn’t make the pain better.

I remember a family member wailing and crying when we revealed a plaque of my mams death and put her ashes with a family member (but it was about 12 years later) and I just stood in silence. Her life want impacted by the loss of my mam but to onlookers you’d think it was her mam. Then off she trotted to her nice life and that was the end of the tears.

Not always as black and white…:

This, it's like the poster recently who described herself as 'a HIghly Sensitive Person' which like those who describe themselves as an empath, seems to mean
"I am totally me-centric and self obsessed. I will behave awfully and be rude, but no one can say anything because am so Highly Sensitive'....😭😭

Thing is some really do get it over it more quickly, like my siblings when our Dad died. First few months we all grieved together, now I'm still in wallowing. I was the one who it together a photo album and often look at it, they don't. They're in the present and have moved on, as with my DH and losing his Mum. He doesn't constantly look at old photos.

So does this make me completely strange? It's just what I do to tolerate the pain. Xxx

Grief is such a difficult journey for everyone. I think some PP have made a good point that a lot of the time people are just getting on with it or hiding things. It doesn’t mean they have brushed it off but you’d be amazed at how normal people can act while dealing with horrible, horrible trauma.
I also think you’ve hit a nerve with a few people but don’t take it to heart. One characteristic of grief is that it is extremely self centered and selfish and it’s a different journey for everyone but in my experience (and many others) it’s strange how it really does feel like it’s your grief, never to be comprehended by others, even if it’s shared loss, no one could possibly understand the depth of our grief….but actually they can.
And most people do live with grief in some way so maybe some therapy will help or maybe a good chat with someone close who can share their story of grief as you share yours to see how it is actually a shared and also unique experience.

My mum died on her own in hospital because, even though she had been diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and in hospital for a couple of weeks, she was due to come home with oxygen the next day so none of us were with her (having visited in the daytime). If I focus on that and succumb to it I will be sucked into a hole and never come out so I straddle guilt and grief. Then I had a daughter, she’ll never meet my mum. Every day is filled with absolute joy and sadness, sometimes even panicked desperation (as grief can feel like). Surely no one has ever felt the depths of that kind of grief?! And then you realise so many people have. Probably everyone who has replied to this post, but they have no choice but to give into it or live their life.

Without being outing, throughout my life I have been surrounded by people working through their grief. Some outwardly show it; others (from the outside) look like they're coping well. The fact it, people handle grief very differently and there is no 'right way'. I feel things deeply, but to outsiders I'll look like I'm fine and carry on as normal. That does not mean my grief is any less than those who fall apart. And both are absolutely fine and normal.

Kindly, you have no idea how people cope behind closed doors. I might have a quiet cry in a bathroom, but emerge looking like I'm having a great day. I find the example you've given of your DH a bit sad - you feel like he should be making the effort more. What if he simply finds it difficult? You've no idea what's going on in his head, married or not. My husband lost his lovely mum several years ago. His predominant feeling was anger at her being taken too soon, rather than all consuming grief. He and his siblings have all handled her loss v differently, but they all care equally the same.

I'd suggest simply focusing on yourself, rather than comparing yourself to others - particularly when that comparison appears to imply you feel more than they do. I'm very sorry for your losses.

I've been to my dad's grave twice in the six years since he died. To me, he's not there.

But he's still the first thing I think about most mornings and the last thing I think about most nights. I miss him all the time.

Just because I'm not sobbing at his grave all day doesn't mean I'm emotionless.

Op I totally relate to you and your post could have been written by me.

You're not alone. I really hope you read this.
I lost my bff of 25 yrs well I was ghosted 9 years ago.
My mum died in 2023 and it was absolutely awful to witness her decline.
I save worms that have found themselves on the patio.

Have a bloody big hug from me and be at peace with your big heart.

I know it's hard tho, to feel 'alot'

Thankfully I took have a good sense of humour.

X

My late husband left his ex because of her infidelity. She's currently with her 4th partner.

I was asked if she could attend the funeral. I readily agreed. However, it took me everything that I had to bite my tongue when DHs DIL phoned me and told me that the ex was "devastated...as we all knew that she would be".

I got a phone call from the ex, telling me that she'd received a card which had "comforted" her, and perhaps it would comfort me. I expected a poem or the like.

It was a sympathy card, sent to her by a family friend, telling of happy memories of when the ex and my husband were still man and wife. The best gloss that I can place on it is that it was intended for the kids. I'm still trying to figure how it was supposed to comfort me.

I then found myself in the bizarre situation of being phoned by someone I didn't know - the ex's SIL. She was kind enough to express her condolences, but I didn't even know the woman. The ex had given her my phone number.

The ex's latest partner dropped her off at the funeral and then collected her.

DH and I were married for nearly 27 years. 3 days after the funeral, I was woken from a zoplicone induced sleep by loud knocking on my front door.

The ex. There to persuade me to place my husband's ashes in a place of her choosing.

I've just noticed the OP's latest post. I too have a diagnosis of OCD and depression. However, there's no option but to push on.

Maybe I should have told everyone that I was "devastated", but I rather assumed that there was no need to state that.

I'm so sorry for all you've been through ❤️

I completely understand what you mean. I'm just one of those who sheds years at anything.

You're right, not crying doesn't mean you don't feel it. My family aren't big criers, just me, it's just what I do.

This can so often be embarrassing as my first reaction to anything awkward is to cry!

I was actually brought up to be tough and resilient, background of military amd moving around, but I'm just soooo soft! Xxx

You lost me at ‘I’m an empath’ 🤦‍♀️

What you describe with regard to looking over photos is not uncommon at all. Some people do that; others don't.

OP I do agree with you that some people get over bereavement quicker than others. I think I’m quite thick skinned about it. I’ve lost all my grandparents, a parent and two step parents and in each case I grieved a short while then moved on. I’m sad sometimes when I think of them and miss them, but then it passes and I get on with my life. The way I see it the older generation must die before we do and it’s sad, but it’s the way of things. I don’t really understand when people sink into a depression that last years when a parent dies, unless they were taken young maybe. However if something happened to my children I know I would never have another happy day in my life ever and the grief would be excruciating and everlasting.

I'm so sorry, I really didn't have any intention to make anyone feel this way at all.

I was just putting out my own inadequacy at not being able to control my emotions

I really have no self control about crying, the tears gush uncontrollably and I pretend to sneeze when at work.

So I guess to me not crying has meant moving on, but it hasn't, just most aren't as emotional as I am. It would be nice to not have this but sth I can't help. Xxx

Exactly- I lost my mum three years ago. She’s in my thoughts every day . Some days I still can’t believe that she has gone. I crack on and get on with things because I have to.

There is no time limit for grieving or correct way to do it.
I am the type to switch off and ignore my grief. I made a deal with myself that I was not to let myself think about it before I sleep.
When I do think about my mam I feel a physical ache in my chest.
Be kind to yourselves.
I take an ssri. It helps keeping things moving along, feelings in boxes.
Would you try an ssri? Sounds like depression too.

But also making it clear the empaths pain and sorrow is so much deeper and intense than the actual person who is having the issue/loss!

I actually think maybe your hormones aren’t balanced correctly. Mine weren’t and thanks to my meds I have appropriate reactions to things now.

worth speaking to doctor

There you go again. Why are you so wedded to the idea that you’re more emotional than everybody else? You have absolutely no idea what other people are feeling.

YABU.

It isn't a competition you know.

You can't know that you're "more emotional" than everyone else. It just sounds like you're more performative when emotional where others may not display their feelings so readily in public.

There's no right way to grieve.

I was going to ask you if you had OCD as I'm very much the same and I have OCD. Lots of ruminating, feeling guilty etc. takes me years to get over a loss.

It's not being an emotional vampire 🙄I've cried over news stories, thrown a cup against a wall-no one was around and no one knows. Ruminated for years over my dad's final days-and I know my family didn't do that because we've talked about what happened and they don't remember most of it. It's nothing to do with wanting to wallow in sadness and feel special.

And yes if you talk to people about a loss they will say you need therapy if you haven't gotten over a loss in x amount of time, that death is part of life, natural etc. whereas I don't accept that so yes I do believe others get over things easier. I totally get what you mean OP.

Do you describe yourself as an empath and think that other people don’t feel as deeply as you? Because that’s why the OP is getting a hard time, NOT because she cries and ruminates.

I know it's been said but honestly every person I've met who was a self declared empath has just been an attention seeker. I told my former housemate/lodger my dad had been diagnosed with cancer and she literally threw herself on the ground, wailing and crying and asking me to comfort her between tears. I'd only just found out myself and it's MY DAD who she'd never even met. She later posted on FB about how devastating it was. She always self described as an empath but to me she was just a twat, tbh - hence former housemate!

People can have very deep emotions but not show them in such dramatic style!

You are not more emotional, you express your emotions more obviously.

Those are not the same thing.