To not get over losing loved ones as easily as others?

[Beautifulweeds]

I've always been over sensitive, even accidentally stepping on a spider, I feel awful, just the way I am. I've realised I'm an empath, so totally take in anyone feeling sad or hurt. If a stranger is crying I will help them, no matter what others say.

So my AIBU is for everyone else not to understand how grief affects me so much. I know I dwell, beat myself up about what I should have done more. I do get on with life, work etc but I cry so much and feel so much pain and heartache.

It's like I function but then when I don't have to I break down. I've lost quite a few loved ones, including my Dad 3 years ago, who I'm still coming to terms with, and recently by BFF of over 40 years a few months ago. I think about her all the time, can't let go, no one else can I talk to like with her, my soulmate.

With every loss I feel the emptiness in my heart grow that bit more and know getting older comes with so much trauma.

Yet I'm still me, bubbly, my personality, but it's an effort to do this. I do turn to alcohol too much, plus I smoke, guess I'm kinda thinking this is my way to go amd convincing myself I enjoy it.

So sorry for the long post and thank you if you've taken the time to time to read about my miserable mind.

Being at the bedside of your nearest and dearest watching them die is excruciating and the fear is I can't do this for my other loved ones because it's too heartbreaking 💔 and going in a downward cycle means I can avoid this.

Again, sorry, just pouring my heart out. Xxx

Kindly, OP, your grief sounds normal. I held a much loved younger sibling as they died a few years ago. It broke my heart, there isn’t a day I don’t shed a tear or feel pain and bewilderment at the loss or rage against how tragic and unfair it was. Do people see this on a day to day basis? Nope. Not even my DH. I also live my life and do fun things, because life is for living.

But if you’re struggling, get some grief counselling. Don’t talk yourself into believing you just feel pain more than other people. Losing a friend is hard, a few months is nothing, it takes time to heal.

I'm like that as well @Beautifulweeds.

I don't know what it is, pp mentioned above a lack of resilience, other pp have said different things.

Many people struggle without showing it, a friend committed suicide this year which knocked me for six. He had his struggles but I didn't know HOW much as he didn't show it.

Sorry for your losses. You have no idea how other people really cope with grief though.

I'm going to be blunt here, you're not special for the way you grieve. It's heartbreaking for everyone to lose their loved ones and you have no idea what people are holding inside. It's extremely tasteless to claim that other people just move on easily from loss while you don't.

Your post has actually made me quite angry but you probably already know that what with being an empath.

Please, I absolutely am in awe of everyone who seems to just seems to cope and not burst out crying.

Of course everyone feels it deeply, my point was that I find it so had to move on without showing my emotions and I wallow and dwell, just me.

I go to work, am with my family in the evenings, but sob into my pillow uncontrollably and yes have a bottle of wine and some smokes to dull the pain.

Not right I know but my way of coping. Xx

Your perceived meaning of an empath is actually the complete opposite of what one is. You sound narcissistic

Ditto re the younger sibling, solidarity hugs 💐

Thing is, I've seen so many move on much more easily. My DH lost his Mum, was one of the 2 times I've seen him cry, took 2 days off work. Yes he grieved, didn't show it, just knew he was.

For me, we go and visit my Dad for his birthday, Fathers' day, Christmas, to put fresh flowers and we all get together as family

He doesn't do any of this, he's not as close to his family but he could make the effort to be with them. A bit emotionless and I'm the complete opposite.

I actually think your post demonstrates a lack of empathy, sorry op, it’s hard for virtually everyone.

But you have literally no idea whether everyone you think is ‘coping’ isn’t crying into their pillow at bedtime every night. Or what their coping mechanisms are.

That”s why everyone is asking why you appear to believe no one else feels things as deeply as you.

lol, no I’m not.

I’m not the only person saying the same about ‘empaths’ - why pick on me?

There’s no right way to grieve. And your way is not better than anyone else’s way of grieving - you sound like you have developed unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with grief/loss. I imagine spending some time working out why you have developed them and how you can develop more healthy mechanisms of dealing with these things which are, sadly, part of life might help you.

I think losing a loved one is universally painful for everyone unless that person has medical or mental factors meaning they're not able to understand what's happened. If you're someone who has a history of depression and ruminating, then it can be particularly difficult to control your emotions, as you're dealing with a pre-existing illness as well as the grief.

Experiencing several losses of loved ones during a short space of time is naturally going to take it's toll, as you've not had time to heal from the previous loss before being forced to start the process again. I don't think this is the same thing as saying other people don't experience grief as deeply as you or they get over their loss quicker. Have you had any sort of grief counselling, as this may be a good starting place?

I lost my mother 30 years ago.. she was only 62.. younger than l am now and l still cry for her.
I lost my sister last year .. l still cry for her.
I lost my partner 20 years ago.. l still cry for him.

People show grief differently but it’s awful for everyone. The heart physically hurting - that’s why people say they’re “heartbroken”. I’m a crier and my emotions spill over. I have zero “stiff upper lip”. I once had to tell my manager my relative had died and I needed to go home but had some bits to hand over. He was lovely but I just had to say I’ll be crying while we do this as I have no control over my tears right now so just ignore that and listen to my hand over. He was very kind and didn’t draw attention but he looked slightly bewildered. He did offer me a hug but I declined at that would have led to ugly crying and he was getting off lightly at that point.

I can never get my head around the paradox that “empaths” believe that they fully sense & feel what other people are feeling and their conclusion from this always seems to be that they (the “empath”) feel more deeply than said others. It’s almost like they can’t actually sense/feel what others are feeling.

Thank you for this, it does makes sense.

Yes I'm an empath in that I can't bear to see anyone sad and I feel their emotions deeply.

When suffering with grief I try my best to keep it inside bit it just comes out in floods of tears when I speak 💔

I've never been able to control it, it's like the tear duct has no limits. I'm not seeking sympathy, I'm fact I try to make it look like I've hay fever. Xxx

You have no idea how or what people are feeling.

I only cry when I am angry.

When I am sad, I tend to go into "coping" mode and shut down everything trying to find something to organise/figure out.

Most people are devastated by the loss of people they love. Most people put on a brave face.

There is not right way to grieve.

I am cracking on but it's a struggle. Xxx

I think that you’re way off base here. People are suffering. You don’t own grief, and to presume that you feel it more than others is downright rude. I am sorry for your losses, and everybody’s.

Right?

Whenever these special "empaths" turn up on MN, what they describe sounds more like "emotional vampire".

Revelling in the other person's sadness so they can feel special.

This.

Thank you, I have lifelong OCD and depression so find it hard to come to terms with grief I guess. I try my best to step up but feel beaten down with emotions.

I take the lowest forms of medication so I can function without becoming a zombie, which I've seen with others on higher dosages. Xx

I definitely think some people are able to compartmentalise more and move on quicker. Having lost a very close family member recently, suddenly out of the blue, I am struggling to imagine ever feeling happy ever again, ever not reeling when I realise that this hugely accomplished woman I knew isn’t there for a chat / to go for a coffee / to share whatever’s on my mind with / to play with her grandchildren. She got so much joy out of every aspect of life; she’d be devastated to know what she’s missing, especially her grandchildren.

I’m shocked by how quickly some others around her are seemingly moving on. It’s not right. It’s like they don’t understand the magnitude of the loss, how devastated she would have been to know what she was missing and how pointless everything is now that she can’t be part of it any more.

At least, that is how I feel. I appreciate others feel differently. But I think there is an element of lack of depth of feeling on the part of some others in my particular scenario.

I don't think it's about getting over them.

I'm about as stoic as it gets, DP has seen me cry once in 20 years, and it wasn't after my Mum died.

That doesn't mean that I've "gotten over" my Mums death, even 6 years later. There's still a hole in my life that can't be filled, I still miss her deeply. I'm just not the kind of person who shows my feeling outwardly. That doesn't mean I feel them any less.

To be honest @Beautifulweeds , I find your post a little heartless.