To not get over losing loved ones as easily as others?

[Beautifulweeds]

I've always been over sensitive, even accidentally stepping on a spider, I feel awful, just the way I am. I've realised I'm an empath, so totally take in anyone feeling sad or hurt. If a stranger is crying I will help them, no matter what others say.

So my AIBU is for everyone else not to understand how grief affects me so much. I know I dwell, beat myself up about what I should have done more. I do get on with life, work etc but I cry so much and feel so much pain and heartache.

It's like I function but then when I don't have to I break down. I've lost quite a few loved ones, including my Dad 3 years ago, who I'm still coming to terms with, and recently by BFF of over 40 years a few months ago. I think about her all the time, can't let go, no one else can I talk to like with her, my soulmate.

With every loss I feel the emptiness in my heart grow that bit more and know getting older comes with so much trauma.

Yet I'm still me, bubbly, my personality, but it's an effort to do this. I do turn to alcohol too much, plus I smoke, guess I'm kinda thinking this is my way to go amd convincing myself I enjoy it.

So sorry for the long post and thank you if you've taken the time to time to read about my miserable mind.

Being at the bedside of your nearest and dearest watching them die is excruciating and the fear is I can't do this for my other loved ones because it's too heartbreaking 💔 and going in a downward cycle means I can avoid this.

Again, sorry, just pouring my heart out. Xxx

Sorry you’ve experienced loss @Beautifulweeds 💐

Grief is unbearable. It’s something you never really get over but you learn to with it as time passes.

I’d say I’m sensitive and an ‘empath’ aswell. I cry at TV adverts. I cry at music. I feel gut wrenched when I see roadkill, hear about elderly people feeling lonely, hear about children being bullied and left out, you name it.

However, I don’t think we have any right to feel like we are more affected by grief than anyone else, or people who may not outwardly present as being empathetic.

Some people can hide emotions well. Some people can be the most bubbly, extroverted and positive to the outside world - then behind closed doors it’s a whole different story. And none of their friends, colleagues etc would know.

Try not to think that - AIBU for everyone else not to understand how grief affects me so much. - Because yes, you are being unreasonable. You have no idea how much grief and loss and any type of difficult situation can affect other people.

Try and be a bit more open minded.

Yes. I'm not sure why you are offended when OP has said it's basically a character flaw.

I've had full on OCD since I was in primary but I can still manage to let others grieve as they need to. I've also lost (I just counted) 43 friends over the years including my amazing BIL and my best friend, mostly to suicide or overdoses. I don't make it about me. When BIL died I held it together for my sister even though I'd been very close friends with him for years longer and introduced them - my role was to support my sister, not to make it about myself.

You are being really hard on yourself @Beautifulweeds . You need to become kinder to you. Take care of yourself and prioritise your health. Alcohol is a depressant so that’s not helping.

Everyone has bad stuff they are dealing with. I’ve lost both parents, my sister and my DH. If anyone asks if I’m ok, I always say yes but inside I’m really not.

How do you know they aren't still grieving? They could just be grieving in a different way to you. We are all individuals and have our own coping strategies when it comes to grief.

Me too, that’s why I mentioned a doctors visit, sertraline is a wonderful thing

OCD impacts people differently, you’d probably know this if you actually had it 🥱

Exactly. As I said above I've lost many friends over the years. I never cry in public (not even at their funerals) but I bawl my eyes out at night at home.

Just because I'm not grieving the way others do doesn't mean I'm not grieving.

I go to work, am with my family in the evenings, but sob into my pillow uncontrollably

And what makes you think other people dont do the same.

When my Dad died my mum had what she describes as her public face and her private face. The public one got her out and about and talking to people. The private one was a mess. The private one would cry as though her heart was breaking (which it was) her private face was desperately unhappy without the love of her life. Noone apart from my brother and I saw the private face.

If you'd seen her you'd have thought she was coping and moving on - she wasnt

You seem to think you're the only one who grieves longer term. You're not. People just do it in different ways and cope differently. It's not a competition

Ha. I'm diagnosed. I know perfectly well it affects people differently (for example mine is doing things the same amount of times on each side in multiples of four, so opening doors, stepping on pavement cracks etc etc). I know for others it's about cleanliness or whatever.

Just don't think it's an excuse to be an arse. I also have BPD, anxiety, CPTSD and depression (all diagnosed) but still trying not to be an arse...

I'm not getting the impression OP is being an arse or making it about her in front of other people. As for me I hate anyone seeing me cry. It's all done in private. But I don't think it's normal to ruminate over the same thing constantly or be so affected by news stories. At least I haven't observed others reacting in the same way. I had this discussion with my mother a while ago because a news item was really upsetting me and she didn't feel the same way at all. It was just "yeah it's sad but you can't do anything about it so you can't let it affect you" easier said than done though.

and yet your reply reads like someone who only ‘thinks’ they know what OCD is 🤷‍♀️

I think it’s nonsense that every person feels things exactly the same way but some just get on with things because they have to. Ridiculous notion.

Perhaps grief counselling could help, are you depressed, anxious? Do you need help with your drinking?

People don’t ‘get over’ grief more readily than you do…..this is very concerning and narcissistic thinking.

I’ve found it very common for people who belive themselves to be more sensitive than others to be very sensitive to their own feelings……and rather less so to the feelings of others. As you’re demonstrating here.

Grief is no party that’s for sure and I’m sorry you are experiencing that loss. However, I hate this expression‘I’m an empath’ ‘I do this and that and others don’t’.
No, you are empathetic as any normal person is but you just like everyone to know. I’m empathetic and cry when I see homeless people begging. I just cry in my own space and don’t broadcast the fact.

I'm constantly sad since I lost my mum but I pretend I'm okay to the outside world because what's the alternative?
I can't go round crying all the time, even though I want to.
Grief is always hard and I feel sorry for anyone who is in pain.

They haven't moved on, they've just made room for it.

I haven't put together a photo album to look at constantly. I dont sit and look through photos. Does that mean I don't grieve at all?

You grieve your own way, everybody does. Wallowing is your thing if it brings you the attention you need. Wallowing long term isn't healthy though as it stops you enjoying life and might need a professional.

Was going to say exactly the sam. Are you a people pleaser op, do you try and keep the peace, aware of others emotions?

you aren’t an empath it’s not a thing. You can be empathetic.

This.
I lost my dad in my teens.
I still feel it some days (and definitely a lot older than my teens now).
I know he would have been proud of me and wanted me to live my life well, so I've tried my best to do that.
For your own sake though, you have to try not to wallow too much - give yourself time and get support, but also be very thankful to still have your life to live. ❤️

I find your post a little offensive actually. I grew up with a mother who would make any situation about her. She always had to be the most affected. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve and she constantly told everyone I was as hard as nails. It’s upsetting. Stop assuming.

I kind of find your post judgemental.
I don't cry in front of others, weep and wail nor do I share my feelings with others (more to protect them) and in the past 6 months have lost 2 dearly loved people in my life. But I am wrung out inside, I have a hole inside me that will never heal, I have NOT brushed it off and carried on as normal.
When my Dad died a few years back I got so angry being told how much more his death affected my sister (I love her dearly) Just because I didn't show how I feel.
Please realise not everyone needs to share with the world their sadness.

To be honest OP, and I’m sorry if this sounds mean, but it’s a little self indulgent to behave this way. We’ve all loved and lost, but death is 100% a part of life and you need to find a way to function and adapt to the “new normal.” If we all just allowed ourselves to wallow in grief no one would ever get out of bed. That said, your loss is still very recent, most people would be reeling whether you knew it or not.

You owe it to yourself to live well.

I empathise. I went into a deep depression for a long time when my mum died, couldn’t go to work etc. I think the prolonged intense grief could have been amplified by untreated depression and undiagnosed neurodivergence. So that may be worth investigating. Also counselling and meditation are very good

Yes I'm an empath in that I can't bear to see anyone sad and I feel their emotions deeply.

No, you feel your own emotions. The whole
concept of empaths has been discredited. We all feel empathy- that’s the human condition- the fact that you find it hard to regulate your emotional responses doesn’t mean you’re feeling other people’s emotions.

I’m really sorry for your losses and it sounds like some grief counselling might be a good idea (as it is for many people). Drinking definitely won’t be helping so cutting that out would be a good starting point.

People have to cope otherwise life just becomes a long litany of grief and misery. We've all experienced the deaths of people we love, some of us far too many. But life is still there to be lived. We can't spend years outwardly, permanently grief stricken for those we've lost - how would that impact our friends and family? Keep them in the doldrums along with us?

I hold those I've lost in my heart, and remember them with love, not grief. There was grief, but it's been replaced over time.