To not get over losing loved ones as easily as others?

[Beautifulweeds]

I've always been over sensitive, even accidentally stepping on a spider, I feel awful, just the way I am. I've realised I'm an empath, so totally take in anyone feeling sad or hurt. If a stranger is crying I will help them, no matter what others say.

So my AIBU is for everyone else not to understand how grief affects me so much. I know I dwell, beat myself up about what I should have done more. I do get on with life, work etc but I cry so much and feel so much pain and heartache.

It's like I function but then when I don't have to I break down. I've lost quite a few loved ones, including my Dad 3 years ago, who I'm still coming to terms with, and recently by BFF of over 40 years a few months ago. I think about her all the time, can't let go, no one else can I talk to like with her, my soulmate.

With every loss I feel the emptiness in my heart grow that bit more and know getting older comes with so much trauma.

Yet I'm still me, bubbly, my personality, but it's an effort to do this. I do turn to alcohol too much, plus I smoke, guess I'm kinda thinking this is my way to go amd convincing myself I enjoy it.

So sorry for the long post and thank you if you've taken the time to time to read about my miserable mind.

Being at the bedside of your nearest and dearest watching them die is excruciating and the fear is I can't do this for my other loved ones because it's too heartbreaking 💔 and going in a downward cycle means I can avoid this.

Again, sorry, just pouring my heart out. Xxx

You can never know what someone is feeling inside about a loss. Even if they're carrying on totally as normal, or partying wildly, this might be their way of coping or 'putting on a brave face'.

Rather than comparing yourself to others, focus on yourself and coping with your own grief - maybe counselling would help you?

Why do you think highly sensitive people behave awfully and rude?

@Beautifulweeds theres lots of good perspectives on here, but I wanted to add some very specific advice.

You talk as if you have no control, therefore no responsibility. You have to take control. That doesn’t happen on its own for any of us. Yes, it’s harder for some than for others, some of us have to practice harder than others- but we can. Don’t feel powerless about something that only YOU can impact. You have that power. You just need to practise using it.

Do stress relieving exercises, meditate, make choices- choose to think positively about things. When your mind turns to someone you have lost and you start to feel overwhelmed by emotion, think of a positive memory that makes you smile, laugh, feel love. Every time. Discipline. It gets easier.

Op, I think you should ask to get this post moved to the mental health board.

I do think this may well be a lack of resilience as a result of your depression.

The ones who talk about it tend to be expecting others to change the environment or their own behaviour to suit the HSP. That’s rude.

I am an HSP but I know it’s my problem I need to make adjustments for. I don’t require the rest of the world to change to suit me.

Absolutely.
I have a family member who hasn't really passed the wallowing stage after 5+ years. Part of it is because the deceased person, as well as being a partner, was a bit like their personal 'servant'- I think they miss everything the person did for them as much as they miss the actual person, if that makes sense. It sounds horrible to say it out loud, but the family member is incredibly self-absorbed and definitely thinks everyone else 'has it easier'.

How do know that? It’s a big generalisation to make. Just because people talk about it doesn’t mean that they have expectations for anything. I’ve never met a hsp behave in this way. Some might do but you can’t possibly say all those who talk about it are awful.

I used to call myself an HSP/empath, but I've now learnt to better regulate my emotions. I also don't really give much time to people who act like everything is about them, because, to be frank, I've better things to do with my time. Of course I extend sympathy and concern to my family, friends and acquaintances, especially after loss or illness or some other difficulties, as most folk would hopefully do.

@xPenelopePitstop
Are you a vegan? You said you felt gutwrenched about seeing roadkill so I wondered how you feel about seeing meat in a supermarket.

I’m honestly not being an arse but moving a worm or a snail so it doesn’t get eaten by birds is not a sign of heightened emotional awareness or empathy. My husband does it and he’s not someone who has big feelings or emotions. One could argue that it’s actually cruel as birds will starve without access to food.

You're coming across as self absorbed OP ( to me anyway )
Death is a part of life, for everyone, grief affects everyone, but do you know what, life does go on, it has to, because what is the alternative?

You also seem very judgemental, look at me grieving more than everyone else!

I think language around ‘getting over’ a death doesn’t help. I lost my mum very suddenly several years ago and although I no longer feel the heavy weight of raw grief, I think about her and miss her all the time. When I think about it, I’ll always feel sad about the shock and distress of that day but I’ve learned to make my peace with it.

If you are still feeling active, overwhelming grief over your dad (not to be confused with just missing his presence in your life) then it might be helpful to get counselling. It’s also quite understandable if the loss of your dear friend has compounded things even more.

For me it was helpful to stop thinking about ‘getting over’ the loss but instead learning to make peace with it and live a full life despite it. And regardless of how it feels, life does go on around us and we have to find a way to move forward.

people who use a label such as hsp or empath in my experience have little self awareness. You aren’t either of those things, you aren’t your feelings , you may say i struggle to emotionally regulate myself or as a result of trauma I tend to wallow or whatever but they are learned behaviours that one should want to work on. Labelling suggests this is me I’m not changing.

I do a lot of the stuff and feel a lot of the stuff people have described. I’m not an empath or a hsp, I’m someone who due to trauma fawns and people pleases and gets stuck in my own head. That’s for me to work on which I do every day.

the op is suffering from depression so she will cry she will be sad she will dwell on things, she’s ill. But saying oh it’s just me I’m an empath keeps people stuck. It’s like breaking your leg and saying this is me I’m broken leg woman , you wouldn’t it’s a temporary state and you’d do your exercises and your physio.

Isn’t saying someone has depression labelling aswell? You are basically saying someone who is depressed isn’t depressed because they aren’t their feelings. HSP and empaths are a thing.

Hi OP, you've been through a lot and each loss will accumulate and maybe a new loss triggers the old ones.

People grieve and experience things differently. Some compartmentalise etc. I think this is just another element of your personality. When you attend a funeral you witness first hand how people 'cope with' or experience grief.

I've recommended this to lots of people but I found the Griefcast podcast really helpful. People speaking openly about loss and the many MANY different ways they have experienced it. It will make you realise that there really is no right way.

Perhaps identity is better than label.

They are learned/practised qualities and can be very helpful. However OP is saying for her it isn’t helpful. She’s saying it is getting in the way of her enjoying life.
She has adopted empath as an identity and feels it’s beyond her control. It isn’t. She can choose to practise boundaries and other helpful strategies to feel less out of control. But she won’t while she thinks it’s inevitable and out of her hands.

@Dodeedoo if you have a network of healthy, functioning boundaried friends who have highly tuned empathy and are HSP that’s great. It’s really supportive.

Some people don’t and feel alone in their powerful emotions, at the mercy of uncomfortable sensations that make life hard. They need help to recognise the skills that can support them.

I get this. Your response is helpful. It’s @CaptainFuture post that I don’t understand.

I know people like those she describes. You walk on eggshells around them because they are so sensitive to having their feelings hurt, expect people to run around closing windows and opening doors because they are sensitive to draughty/cold/heat/smells… They perform grief at other people’s funerals/weddings/birthday parties because they are so so sad…

If the world doesn’t revolve around their needs, they get very distressed and then ‘can’t help being so sensitive, I’ve always been highly strung..’ etc.

They are who we turn into if we aren’t careful - and they give everyone else a bad name 🤣

I understand this but that poster made a huge generalisation. The people you have described sound narcissistic as opposed to empathic.

some other posters on here are being cruel to the OP who clearly recognises that she has a problem and is asking for help (not you). There is a poster up thread who said the post her angry. Talk about the irony around people over sensitive.

It wasn't me who said the post made me angry, but it does.

Not at how the OP acts or feels, that's up to her. But the OP declared her partner and family aren't grieving for their losses as much as she is because they don't act like she does. The specific examples she gave were her partner isn't grieving his parent as much as her because he doesn't go to the grave as much as she does. Her siblings aren't grieving their parent as much as she is because she's the only one who made a photo album.

So for OP to declare her grief is worse because other people aren't grieving in the "right" way, yeah that makes me really fucking angry actually.

Try not to let it make you angry though. I do agree with you that the OP was ignorant in her statement around people tending to graves are feeling griefing more so than those who don’t, but that’s on her. Don’t let it impact you.

I save worms that have found themselves on the patio.

I do this too but it doesn’t mean I experience the worm’s emotions 😂

No a label would be I’m a depressive like I’m an empath or I’m an hsp. We will have to agree to disagree, empaths are not a thing, it’s a trauma response. You can have empathy we all should have empathy.

This 100%. Sorry you are struggling OP.