To think it can be hard to explain how many siblings I have?

[howmanysiblings]

AIBU to now know you to answer this very simple question.

I know it's an ice breaker sort of question but I don't really know how to answer. Which would you pick:

• Youngest of 12, at 6 weeks my mum gave me to her parents who became my guardians until I was 12 years, went back to live with mum. At 16yrs moved back to grandparents. They had 11 kids. Their youngest is 2 years older than me.
• Only child - I am my mums only child
• Step siblings - my mums partner had older kids - didn't live with us
• Oldest of my fathers three biological kids - only found this out when I was 23
• He also has a step daughter, so another step sibling?

I don't want to say 'it's complicated' because I think people think I am being secretive/ enigmatic

I know 99% of people only ask to make polite conversation and aren't really interested in the answer. Well, actually when I have said all the above some people become very interested!

Which would you say? Youngest of 12 feels most 'like me' but not true. I don't feel like I am/was an only child either tho.

Surely it depends who's asking.

If it's just a random acquaintance making small talk, "Its complicated". They're just making small talk, they don't care about accuracy or secrecy. If you wanted to be less secretive, just follow with "Basically I'm the youngest of 12 but there are step parents and step siblings all over the place".

If its a new partner or a new friendship that you're developing then you'd go into more detail and explain the history. But this would only be as part of a wider getting-to-know-you conversation. Most people won't care about the complexities of your life history and how that impacts sibling constitution.

Which brothers/sisters are you close to and likely to talk about? I would just briefly mention those. It gives the conversation somewhere to go next and saves sharing all the history.

Surely you're one of three.

You may have grown up with your grandparents children but they're your uncles and aunts, not your siblings.

I'd just pick one and then you can go in to more detail if you need to, so technically you have 2 younger siblings so you could say "I have two brothers" or whatever and then if you end up explaining more you then say what you've said in your op.

It does depend though, if you feel no connection to the siblings on your dad's side and you feel more connection to the 11 siblings at your grandparents house then just say that instead.

I think I would go with 'I'm an only child but I grew up with lots of aunties and uncles', if it's mainly a conversation about childhood. And 'I've got quite a big, complicated family' if it's more focused on what family you have locally and elsewhere.

I have a super complicated family, all in all I have around 20ish siblings, maybe as many as 25.

I just laugh and say "too many" and then move the conversation on, if its just chit chat.

I mean you have various options, but none of those options include the children of your grandparents: they are your aunts and uncles…

I’d say I had two siblings as that’s what you’ve actually got, and then give more detail if you feel it’s necessary and you want to. Or I’d say I’ve got two siblings but we didn’t grow up together.

I am in a similar situation to you (though I don't actually know how many siblings I have, there is an official and an unofficial count). Yes my family could go on Jeremy Kyle.

Sometimes I include my half siblings and sometimes my full siblings only. Steps are not counted.

I have two half-brothers, but was raised by my grandparents in a big family of 12?

"Too many too count!"

You have two half siblings on your dad’s side. That’s it.

My DCs are adopted and AFAIK one has no siblings on his birth dad's side and one may or may not have them.
However we know about half siblings on birth mums' side so that's what they tell people about.

@NetballHoop biologically yes, but I only found out they existed when I was 23 and I've never met them. I hadn't seen my dad since I was a baby. I've cut all contact again.

@MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble my grandparents became my legal guardians. If I had no been biologically related to them would their children not be 'just' my adoptive/foster siblings?

@TheNightSurgeon wow that's a lot!! Were you ever worried about accidently going out with a sibling? I was, I didn't know how many/ where until relatively recently. Even I am sure there are more than the 2. My mam said something about kids before me. But he insists I am his eldest.

I don't ever launch into this BTW when I know someone is making chit chat. I normally say something like 'I was raised by my grandparents, they had 11 kids'

How many siblings do you feel you have?

I have two half brothers, but those relationships feel no different to the ones I have with my other brothers. So I say I have four brothers and never mention that two of those are half, because that doesn’t matter at all to me.

There are apparently some questions about whether one of my half brothers is even related to me at all. I couldn’t care less. As far as I’m concerned he is, and always will be my big brother.

For me “siblings” is not just about blood relations, it’s also and perhaps even more so about bonds. If another sibling came out of the woodwork who I’ve never met, I’m not sure I’d consider them a sibling.

whatever you’re comfortable saying,

none
2 half siblings with or without but I’ve never lived with them
i was raised by my grandparents with my younger x number aunts and uncles

my friend has her 2 grandchildren being raised with her own younger children, if asked the grandchildren call the aunts and uncle their siblings (not including their bio mum in the number they give)

I’d just go with “I’m the youngest of 12” or “none”

Keep it simple, nobody wants complicated details of your family tree.

EDIT: I changed my answer after I realized I misread the OP

Them: “How many siblings do you have?”

You: “Two”

Easy and true

I am very close to my aunt who is just older than me. I am pretty close to the rest of them too. It's no secret in the family that my grandparents are not my parents. But so far most of my cousins have been surprised to find out I am not their aunt.

I have never met my biological half siblings. So they don't feel remotely what I feel for my aunt

I'd say 'i'm an only child but have various step and half siblings'

I think people are being very literal about this. If it's part of small talk, you don't have to stick to the most literal, accurate, biological truth. Even if there was only one way to understand 'sibling' (I'd argue that all family relationships are social as well as biological), it would still make sense to answer based on what you actually want to talk about. So OP you should say the one that feels most like you, and where the follow-up questions actually lead to a nice chat.

I would say I am my mother 's only child but I was raised by my grandparents where I was the youngest of 12.

I'd say "My family structure was a bit complicated, but I grew up the youngest of a big bunch". That describes your actual experience of sibling-like relationships, without lying. Then you can go into more detail if it fits the conversation.

No, they’d still be your aunts and uncles, just as your grandparents (while doing an incredible thing in becoming you legal guardians) would still be your grandparents. If my partner and I die before our daughter reached independence then my BIL and his wife would take her. They wouldn’t become her parents. She might look back and say that they were wonderful and treated her like a daughter and she grew to think of them as substitute parents, but they would still be her aunt and uncle.

Then I'd say that's your answer then. Count the people you see as siblings as siblings and just give that number. Although, given that there's so many of them you could probably just get away with "A metric fuck-ton", and avoid having to give an exact number.