To think it can be hard to explain how many siblings I have?

[howmanysiblings]

AIBU to now know you to answer this very simple question.

I know it's an ice breaker sort of question but I don't really know how to answer. Which would you pick:

• Youngest of 12, at 6 weeks my mum gave me to her parents who became my guardians until I was 12 years, went back to live with mum. At 16yrs moved back to grandparents. They had 11 kids. Their youngest is 2 years older than me.
• Only child - I am my mums only child
• Step siblings - my mums partner had older kids - didn't live with us
• Oldest of my fathers three biological kids - only found this out when I was 23
• He also has a step daughter, so another step sibling?

I don't want to say 'it's complicated' because I think people think I am being secretive/ enigmatic

I know 99% of people only ask to make polite conversation and aren't really interested in the answer. Well, actually when I have said all the above some people become very interested!

Which would you say? Youngest of 12 feels most 'like me' but not true. I don't feel like I am/was an only child either tho.

I have this exact same problem OP. I won’t describe the set-up as it would be outing to anyone who knows me. But I normally say how much time do you have, and if they have time I explain, and if not I just say there’s no one answer to that question, it’s complicated, a lot/a mixture etc.

I didn't say in my post that your mum raised you, I said 'raised as an only child, my mum only had me.' They were two separate points. You can then go on and give a detailed account of all siblings and living arrangements if you want to, which is a choice to overshare. I was merely giving a generic response that allows the conversation to move on if the only reason for the question is to create an ice breaker, and not because the person asking wants to know the 'this is your life' description. As others have mentioned, it really is subjective to who has asked the question, why they have asked, and what you want them to know.

I haven’t read all the thread so apologies if I’m duplicating. You don’t need to tell all of this to everybody who asks in general conversation. They are asking with a passing interest so no need for a life story about everyone’s business and secrets. Tell them about full siblings or half / step siblings that you are close enough to actually view as siblings.

Hi OP, I’m similar!

im one of two from my mum and dad, but sadly I lost my sister so where I used to normally simply say one sister, it depends how heavy I want the conversation to be!

on my dad’s side I also have three half brothers and two step brothers. I actually grew up with the step brothers but dad divorced their mum ages ago so I see them the least!

my step father has three children but a fair bit older so we are close as adults but didn’t live together etc.

i normally go with a breezy, “I’m from one of those big married and remarried families so there are loads of us!” And leave it at that

I think when people ask that they are generally wanting to know what your experience of family is like. Eg is yours big or small, have you been surrounded by lots of siblings or none. So saying "it's complicated! But I grew up as the youngest of 12" covers it really. Saying you're an only child would be technically correct but it would not give any sense of your actual experience.

I know someone who was raised with her cousin so she usually says she's technically an only child but has a sibling relationship with the cousin. My own youngest half sibling was born when I was at uni, but when people ask how many siblings I have I say the total number, and only go into the half sibling stuff if it's relevant later. They're all equally my siblings to my mind. People tend to find it quite interesting. I know that some Mumsnetters tend to invalidate or dismiss any relationship that's outside of the classic nuclear family but that's not everyone's experience of life.

I'd just say, I'm an only child with my mum but I've got various step siblings on my dad's side, who I found out about as an adult and I also spent some time living with my grandparents who had 11 of their own kids, so it's complicated.

Or, I'd just say I'm an only child if I didn't want to tell people any details.

I just say “there’s X of us in total, but we are a mix of steps and halves and things”.

My mum had two half siblings that she only met as an adult. She describes herself as an only child and I view her as an only child. I don’t see her half siblings and their children as in any way being part of my family. So if I were you I’d not see your dad’s kids as siblings. And family is about more than biology so seeing as you were raised with your grandparents kids and would have been legally their sibling if they’d adopted you I’d say I was one of 12. Also it’s got nothing to do with anyone else. It’s your family.

I agree that if it’s small talk/getting to know you then the answer is

’I was the youngest of 12 in the house.’

The person says ‘WOW! that’s a lot of family! What kind of car did you guys have?’ Or ‘Oh my! How on earth did your parents manage?’ ‘What were the age differences?’

And if you are willing to go in to more detail about beds etc then do. But people likely only want light chit chat and not delve too deep until a more appropriate stage of the relationship.

@howmanysiblings that was actually my point: your original answer doesn't give the wrong idea at all. It conveys your situation perfectly, which is that you were raised as part of a large family, but it makes it clear that it wasn't just a straightforward family setup.
That's why I wouldn't go into the only child or 2 siblings scenarios, as that actually gives the wrong impression even if they are technically correct.

Edit: by your original answer, I mean this one: 'I was raised by my grandparents, they had 11 kids'

I have two full blooded brothers and two older half siblings from my Dad’s first marriage.

My parents divorced and I had 4 step-sisters from Dad’s third marriage, and 5 step-sisters and 2 stepbrothers from my Mum’s second marriage.

Dad then remarried for the fourth time and I got another 4 stepbrothers and one half-brother.

Technically that’s

• 2 brothers
• 2 half sisters
• one half brother
• 9 step sisters
• 6 step brothers

So 20 altogether. I’m close to my 2 brothers, 2 half sisters, and most of my Mum’s step children.

Sympathy that this is complicated and presumably a bit of a painful subject.

I’d say “it’s a bit complicated and one for another time but I was raised in a family of 12 kids” and then quickly deflect the conversation onto them.

It’s also worth thinking of some things you could use to shut down further conversation, so for example if they ask why you didn’t grow up with your mum being able to say something like “well sadly not all families are simple, like I said it’s probably one for another time, anyway let’s talk about something else”.

I can’t believe that interviewer. Some people are so insensitive!

i was brought up by my grandparents who have 11 older children is probably the simplest explanation, but I think many people would be intrigued and a full story would be interesting in the right setting

i was brought up by my grandparents who have 11 older children is probably the simplest explanation, but I think many people would be intrigued and a full story would be interesting in the right setting

i was brought up by my grandparents who have 11 older children is probably the simplest explanation, but I think many people would be intrigued and a full story would be interesting in the right setting

If you feel like you are one of 12 because your grandparents raised you, say that. Or something like, “I was raised by my grandparents as 1 of their 12 children, so I feel like I have 11 siblings, although they are technically my aunts and uncles! I have some biological half brothers and step siblings too.” Or just say “A lot! I’ve lost count!” and laugh 😂

You have three siblings…..no need to explain anyone else in your life, not that they’re any more or less important.

I once knew someone who used to talk about his sister, who was very close in age to him but was actually his aunt. His mother and his grandmother both had kids within a matter of days of each other and they were raised together. I think he generally referred to her as his sister because that’s how he saw her, but if he got more personally involved in conversations he would explain.

It’s not necessary to go into all the detail or to be mysterious with things like “it’s complicated”. I have half siblings but I just call them my siblings because that’s how I see them. In fact one of them isn’t actually my dad’s but she calls my dad “dad” and I call her my oldest sister. I think the way you feel is more important than the biological accuracy. You weren’t raised an only child, and you weren’t raised the oldest of three - you were raised the youngest of 12.

Saying I am the youngest of 12 does invariably get a 'wow' response!

Some really helpful suggestions on here

@Notreallyme27 That does get complicated!

I'll say I never mention any steps/ half because I don't know them. I only did recently because the psychiatrist that assessed me asked.

@OneFineDay22 I do usually refer to my aunt as my sister. We are very close and I talk about her a lot.

I would just say you're an only child with an assortment of step and half siblings, some close, some distant.

Or say this line from You've Got Mail

memes.getyarn.io/yarn-clip/882e4ff3-4cd3-4ff0-ac61-ca967be162ae

I don’t find this is asked very often, but in your shoes I’d say 2 and leave it at that unless more detail is required.

I think you need to change your answer depending on the environment.

An interview? 2 singling but I haven’t been raised with them is plenty.
Small talk? It’s complicated lol. I have an arrangement of siblings, step and half siblings.
Anyone who is close enough to know your family history? 12 because thats who you really consider your siblings (regardless of whether you’re close or not. They are the people that you grew up with)

I'd probably just say whatever feels most comfortable and change the subject/immediately ask about their family. Most people are not likely to quiz you for specifics.

"I was brought up at my grandparents house with lots of aunts and uncles close to me in age" would be a less enigmatic version of 'it's complicated' but without too much personal detail maybe.
To be honest asking a straight 'how many siblings' is complicated for a lot of people these days - do you count full, half, step? What about those you didn't grow up with? I'd avoid it as a simplistic opening question.