To think it can be hard to explain how many siblings I have?

[howmanysiblings]

AIBU to now know you to answer this very simple question.

I know it's an ice breaker sort of question but I don't really know how to answer. Which would you pick:

• Youngest of 12, at 6 weeks my mum gave me to her parents who became my guardians until I was 12 years, went back to live with mum. At 16yrs moved back to grandparents. They had 11 kids. Their youngest is 2 years older than me.
• Only child - I am my mums only child
• Step siblings - my mums partner had older kids - didn't live with us
• Oldest of my fathers three biological kids - only found this out when I was 23
• He also has a step daughter, so another step sibling?

I don't want to say 'it's complicated' because I think people think I am being secretive/ enigmatic

I know 99% of people only ask to make polite conversation and aren't really interested in the answer. Well, actually when I have said all the above some people become very interested!

Which would you say? Youngest of 12 feels most 'like me' but not true. I don't feel like I am/was an only child either tho.

I've got a complicated family too. I think in your case I'd say i was raised by my grandparents as the youngest of their 12. They're clearly the people who matter most to you in terms for your childhood.

I would just say youngest of 12 as that’s the situation you grew up in and from what you say that sits better with your personal identity.

Absolutely “I was raised by my grandparents; they already had 11 kids”.

Family of choice can include the family that raised you.

How about I grew up with extended family, I shared a bedroom with 3 of my aunts and uncles who were close to my age.

I'm from a blended generation family which can be awkward to describe at times and have a slightly complicated sibling relationship. I usually say I have 2 sisters by default but when I get to know people more I might explain that I grew up with two sisters, one is technically a half sister but she's always been a full sibling in the family dynamic and my little sister had a twin that didn't make it and I only felt complete when I started counting myself as 1 of 4 as we've always talked about her.
I have an auntie that's only a few years older than me up to the point of her going through adolescence she was like a sibling but since then it's being more of a cousin relationship, so I'll some time mention that when I was a child I had an auntie that spent a lot of time with us and was a close part of the family.
1 of 3 reflects my reality, 1 of 4 reflects my emotional feelings and 2 siblings plus auntie who was a surrogate sibling when describing certain experiences is loosely how I describe my family life.

I would stick with your "I was brought up by my grandparents as the youngest of 12"

It's accurate. It's what your life was.

If other people think they'd say something different in your shoes then that's up to them.

It's hard when your family situation wasn't the norm. I was brought up by my grandparents from age 7 so it is difficult sometimes when you are asked about it and you need to give enough detail that it doesn't lead to awkward questions, but not too much you over share.

"I was brought up in a very big family but technically I'm an only child" 🤷🏻‍♀️

If it's someone you don't know very well or don't want to explain to, then if they push you further you can just say "Oh it would take too long to explain, so much changed and I don't remember all of it" to shut them down.

Well if I was sitting next to you on a delayed train or at a wedding I'd need to know every single detail of that story! I find big, complicated families fascinating.

Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. As I said I really do not launch into any of this when I meet people I know for the vast vast majority it is a polite passing the time question. I was just curious to know what other people would think. And what ever it means I have had a good few people over the years when they get the full story 'but you seem to normal' lol

I think I will stick with 'raised by my grandparents, they had 11 kids'. To say I am an only child really doesn't feel like me at all.

As someone pointed out a few of those would have been gone by the time I was born, def the 1st 4 were. Altho 2 of those moved back at different stages. But I know other people who are one of 10 and not all siblings were there all the time. I know someone who is one of 21!

To throw it into the mix two of my aunts had children in their late teens. One cousin lived with us until he was 10 and we are very close. The other until she was about 3. But they felt less like siblings because their mums were 'in charge' of them. If that makes sense.

I have also lost one 'sibling' aunt in very tragic circumstances when she was only 30. I was very close to her. But unless someone is very close I'd never mention it.

I called my gran mum until I was about 10 ish, when one of my aunts told me not to because she wasn't my mum. She's the one that got up at 2am to feed me or change my bum.

@MorrisZapp I would most likely be willing to share! I used to be sent via public transport about twice a year to see my mum. I always told the person sitting next to me, regardless of if they wanted to know or not!! Now I'm in my 30s I realise it is mostly a polite chit chat question.

@howmanysiblingsI have a different but also complicated sibling story. I think it depends on who’s asking and why. If it’s just chit chat/ icebreaker / politeness, I’d go with the socially acceptable one liner. Something like ‘I grew up in a big family and I’ve got lots of halves and steps’

When someone genuinely wants/ needs to know and I know it won’t upset them, I do explain the details but my situation can be upsetting because it also includes sibling death.

@howmanysiblings do you mind me asking what's your ethnicity/ heritage? Just curious.

I have never met my biological half siblings. So they don't feel remotely what I feel for my aunt.

Then essentially say that!

'I have two biological half siblings but I've never met them. I was actually raised by my GPs as one of 12, so I tend to consider my aunts and uncles to be more like siblings.'

More factual than emotional and describes your situ perfectly.

@Dontlletmedownbruce I'm white British, but from what would have been a strong Irish Catholic area when GPs got married/ started having kids. I'd imagine the majority of my 'bloodline' is Irish

@Jumpingthruhoops I don't even say anything about the half siblings, honestly I often forget I have any! That sounds like it might make people a little uncomfortable though, saying I have 2 half siblings I've never met. I think people are well accustomed to blended/ stepped/ half families these days. But you know things haven't gone right if I say I've never met them! Not really what you want to say at the local mum and toddler group or at a networking event.

I often have said 'I was raised by GPs, they had 11 kids.' I have been asked why, depending on the situation, but I usually say something like 'my mum was young and it was the best solution at the time. But we have a good relationship now'

What I mean is she was actually nearly 23, with my father but neither of them could be bothered with a baby ruining their social lives. Then later on I'd have been an awful hinderance to getting pissed nightly. After years of very low contact (I lived abroad and didn't hear from her for 3 months) where she'd often only contact me for money - even though she was on a good salary - we actually have a reasonably good relationship now. Vastly due to me being so desperate for a family member who I actually belong too and who wants me to belong to them. But I am learning how to put in boundaries.

To be honest, then, if you don't really want to engage in further conversation with people, you don't need to tell them anything about your siblings, aunts, uncles or upbringing. Just say 'it's complicated' and move the convo onto something else.

I guessed it was Irish Catholic. I'm Irish and as a kid in the 80s 4 or 5 kids was the norm, but the previous generation was totally different. Most people I know of my parents or grans time had at least 6 or 7, i know of many 11 and 12s, my friend's Gran had 20. It's unbelievable to even contemplate now. A pregnant daughters child would be passed off as another child, as some women were permanently pregnant no one really noticed another.

@Dontlletmedownbruce I was certainly confused over who my mum was for a few years. And my Gran used to call me her youngest. Even now many people I know around the area think I am my Grans youngest. I know it would have been a whole different kettle of fish but I often wish I was just told my GPs were my GPs. Their eldest was born in the 60s and youngest late 80s. Certainly not something you hear of these days!!

It's very complicated but like I said, not totally unusual for Irish Catholics. I had a very conventional upbringing, one of 3, parents married etc. But I was adopted at birth from a Catholic mother and baby home. It turns out my mother was a 'repeat offender' and gave away multiple babies, then kept some as we moved into the mid 80s and things began to change culturally. My birth father married and had a large family. I know of 10 half siblings but suspect there could be more. Its one of those things if I say it to an Irish person of my generation (I'm Irish and still live there) they think 'oh yeah fair enough' like its not that unusual, say it to someone born 10 years later or from another culture and they find it shocking. It's quite hard to explain so i generally don't bother, I don't really ever mention the adoption. I'm glad I can just say yes two siblings and that the end of it.