To think it can be hard to explain how many siblings I have?

[howmanysiblings]

AIBU to now know you to answer this very simple question.

I know it's an ice breaker sort of question but I don't really know how to answer. Which would you pick:

• Youngest of 12, at 6 weeks my mum gave me to her parents who became my guardians until I was 12 years, went back to live with mum. At 16yrs moved back to grandparents. They had 11 kids. Their youngest is 2 years older than me.
• Only child - I am my mums only child
• Step siblings - my mums partner had older kids - didn't live with us
• Oldest of my fathers three biological kids - only found this out when I was 23
• He also has a step daughter, so another step sibling?

I don't want to say 'it's complicated' because I think people think I am being secretive/ enigmatic

I know 99% of people only ask to make polite conversation and aren't really interested in the answer. Well, actually when I have said all the above some people become very interested!

Which would you say? Youngest of 12 feels most 'like me' but not true. I don't feel like I am/was an only child either tho.

'I was raised by my grandparents where I was the youngest of 12'.

@howmanysiblings I live hundreds of miles away from where most of my siblings are or it would have been a consideration.

I was brought up with 2 siblings, then found my dad some years later, then discovered through various stories of his that he has somewhere in the region of 20 kids, he never answered exactly how many, I'm not even sure he knew.

I had double figures of aunties and uncles and hundreds of cousins too.

Weirdly 3 of the siblings have given our oldest 2 dc the same names as I found out.

My family is a mess.

I'd go with something like "I grew up in a large family, there were 12 of us"
It doesn't specify siblings but identifies them as family to you.

An absolute gem of a relation of oofs (genuinely) has had several step dads and mums and lots of bio and half and step siblings.
When asked how many siblings he has he just replies 'loads'!! When pressed he just says 'it gets complicated because I've got steps and half's but they are all great.'
That works for him

Sorry, didn’t see the ‘if they weren’t’ bit. That’s a question made impossible by the fact that the people who were your guardians were also your grandparents.
If you’d been adopted then they’d be your adoptive parents (and yes, you’d hopefully just think of them as Mum and Dad and your brothers and sisters). But being blood relatives blows that out of the water rather…

If you are the youngest of 12 you have 11 siblings. Though it's confusing as you say you are your mums only child.

Say "how long have you got", and whip out a family tree 😀. Personally I'd find it fascinating 😊

There’s your answer -possibly- you’re one of twelve, because that’s what it feels like to you 😊 It doesn’t really matter if the people you grew up were not strictly speaking your siblings, if you felt you had those types of bonds.

Did your aunts and uncles feel like siblings? Were you treated as the youngest sister?

If yes to both, say you were taken in by your grandparents and then grew up in a big family where you were the youngest of 12.

When people ask about families, they don't really want the biological details. They want to know how to continue the conversation, and what sort of childhood recollections of their own they should swap with you to bond over.

What @BleedingLikeABastard said — it depends who’s asking. If it’s a small talk question at a work icebreaker or a slight acquaintance, just say ‘It’s complicated! And you?’ If it’s someone you are happy to confide in, and you’re not pressed for time, say what you’ve said here, or a version of it.

Depends on why you're being asked, if it was in an ice breaker style approach I'd probably say "two half siblings, though im not close to them. Massive family though inc step siblings so I felt like one of the Waltons".

If you were answering factually, two half siblings/one of three.

I would say 'raised as an only child, my mum only had me, but there are step/half-siblings from both sides of my family.

I think you're overthinking this. "I'm an only child but grew up with loads of cousins/aunts/step siblings at various times so sometimes it feels liek I have loads! What about you?"

I don't ever launch into this BTW when I know someone is making chit chat. I normally say something like 'I was raised by my grandparents, they had 11 kids'

I think this is an absolutely perfect answer and you should keep saying this. It reflects your actual experience, makes it clear that the situation is complex (and so perhaps not something for idle small talk) and is entirely honest. If you wanted to be even clearer you could say 'I'm my mum's only child but I was raised by my grandparents, they had 11 kids'.

Some good suggestions from PPs for how to answer this.

But much sympathy for the thought that has to go into navigating these small talk questions, where anything other than a very straightforward answer risks making you seem attention-seeking or a bit of a downer.

Family based small talk requires a lot of conversational strategising for anyone who has lost a child / grown up in care / has any other difficult or unusual set of circumstances, so as not to make other people feel uncomfortable.

I'm fine with "it's complicated"
It prepares people for when the conversation stops abiding by the conventional rules of logic

Otherwise count the relationships that mean something to you. I'm guessing that you're not that invested in the steps of a parent you met in adulthood and they add little to small talk.

It's entirely up to you what you feel is most accurate (without a long explanation if you want to give one) and/or "naturally" how you feel.

I might say "I'm my mum's only but I was raised by my grandparents and they had a big family" and answer any questions or not as they arise.

My beautician chats a lot during treatments and fairly early on she told me she'd had 3 kids and might have more because she was an only child and whilst her mum was fab she had always dreamt of having a big family. A few visits later and she told me about her largely absent father and that she'd found out in her 20s that he'd had a total of 14 children. Some of whom she then met a few times. She thought it was quite funny that on one hand she was an only and on the other, one of 14! But that she considered herself at heart to be an only as that's how she grew up. Technically she has lots of half siblings but thinks of them as "my dad's other children" rather than brothers and sisters.

Sorry am waffling! I think I'm trying to say is west you feel is a good fit is more about family dynamics than genetics and legalities.

I would say I'm an only child but was mostly raised by grandparents in a large family. If the conversation continues you could describe your relationship with your aunts and uncles akin to siblings, but I'd leave step siblings out of it. If you don't know them they don't count for the purpose of a casual conversation

I'd say "I lived with my grandparents, who had 11 children" and leave it at that.

Id just say I have a blended family of siblings, step siblings, there are about 12-15 of us in all but some I haven't met and others I do have a close relationship with.

If you want to go further you can say my grandparents brought me up as an only child so its complicated

but most people know what a blended family is and would be a simple answer - if that is what you are looking for

My mum didn't raise me, apart from 4 shit show teenage years.

I don't feel like an only child. At one point 4 of us shared a bedroom and 2 per bed.

Some of the aunts/ uncles think of me as a sister, some don't. Some of the older ones were gone from the house by the time I came along.

@VoltaireMittyDream I am a master at accidently making people uncomfortable. lol. and over sharing. But I have got way better at it with age.

I'm in counselling right now and these things are going around my head. I used to flat out lie and say I was the youngest of 12 when I was younger then end up having awkward conversations with people who I became closer with/ who would meet my family. I lied because I wanted nothing more than to actually be 'one' of them.

I was asked a few years ago in an interview. I said something like 'raised by my grandparents, they had 11' the interviewer asked loads of questions about why!

I don't ever launch into this BTW when I know someone is making chit chat. I normally say something like 'I was raised by my grandparents, they had 11 kids'

Your original answer is the best, you don't need anyone else's help! It's succint, but gives exactly the right impression. You were raised as part of a very large family, and it's not a straightforward situation. Any of the answers of 2 are possibly more strictly accurate, but give the entirely wrong idea.

@Strengths yes I know people will say that it doesn't matter what others think. But I don't want to give the wrong idea. Because I have said in situations sometimes that I am my mums only child and it leads to comments like that I must have been spoilt/ had lots of attention/ are we close etc

If its just people being making small talk then, kindly, no one really cares. Just pick whatever number seems a good number to you. They'll have forgotten 10mins later if its just "average". As you have already seen, it becomes interesting if you'll get more questions so if you want to talk about it, give the answer in your OP, if you dont, just say "2" or whatever. No one will test you or come back to you about year later to double check what you said

Your grandparents kids wouldnt be your siblings but I can see why you would view them that way if that is the relationship you had with them.

If it matters but you dont want to get into it, say that you lived with your grandparents and they had x number of children and that you have x number of step siblings. Dont go into any other details.

Of course, if you want to talk, Im sure the other person will listen.

I'm sorry for using "x" instead of the actual number but since MN got rid of the page numbers, its impossible to scroll back and forth.