To think it can be hard to explain how many siblings I have?

[howmanysiblings]

AIBU to now know you to answer this very simple question.

I know it's an ice breaker sort of question but I don't really know how to answer. Which would you pick:

• Youngest of 12, at 6 weeks my mum gave me to her parents who became my guardians until I was 12 years, went back to live with mum. At 16yrs moved back to grandparents. They had 11 kids. Their youngest is 2 years older than me.
• Only child - I am my mums only child
• Step siblings - my mums partner had older kids - didn't live with us
• Oldest of my fathers three biological kids - only found this out when I was 23
• He also has a step daughter, so another step sibling?

I don't want to say 'it's complicated' because I think people think I am being secretive/ enigmatic

I know 99% of people only ask to make polite conversation and aren't really interested in the answer. Well, actually when I have said all the above some people become very interested!

Which would you say? Youngest of 12 feels most 'like me' but not true. I don't feel like I am/was an only child either tho.

Just chiming in to say it‘s ok to misname relationships to make them fit with your experience, particularly in small talk. We have 2 young relatives in the family who are technically 1st cousins once removed. We have a close relationship with both and refer to them as niece and nephew. I think the girl refers to our son as her nephew, while her brother talks about his cousin‘s child. It‘s shorthand to understand the closeness of the relationship, which second cousin wouldn’t convey.

A school friend was close to the daughter of her much older brother.There was a year between them, so they referred to each other as cousins.

Your story could be that you grew up as the youngest of a large family. You were close to the next in age.

I have 2 half siblings via my father but i have never met them so am in effect an only child

I’m one of many

I either state one or if I’m really going into it. Around 23 maybe more at this point as the breeder keeps breeding and sadly his penis hasn’t fallen off yet.

Only one is the only I’m in contact with and grew up with.

"Quite a few half siblings and step siblings"

Go with youngest of 12 since that feels most real.

You are an only child if you didn’t know your half siblings, or one of 3 if you did.

and then you say you’ve also got some step-siblings.

you do not reference your mum’s 10 siblings as yours, you are not one of 12, she is 1 of 11. You’d hear my eyes rolling if you told me that you were one of 12

“I’m an only child but lived with my extended family growing up and there were 12 of us kids in the house”

This

If it's just small talk and you don't want to say 'It's complicated' then I'd say 'I'm the only child my mum and dad had together, but I grew up living with aunts and uncles who were actually similar ages to me, so that was like having lots of siblings really.'

I wouldn't bother to go into step-siblings and half-siblings given that that you didn't live with them or even find out about them.

It's really up to you though. If it's someone you want to get to know well - like a date or something - then say 'Brace yourself, because this is complicated' and tell them the full story if you want. But if it's a colleague or someone you're just making small talk with, you can say whatever you want, it really doesn't matter if you give them the full picture or not. They're only asking to make conversation.

Yeah not sure how you explain because my family dynamics are confusing too. Not quite as confusing but:
Only child of my mum and Dad.
1/ 4 children that my mum had who grew up in her house.
My step dad had 8 children.

We were brought up as siblings, when in contact with one another however the ones related to my step dad were also my cousins as my step dad was my Dad's brother.

I have multiple half and step siblings.

If people ask I only give the number of siblings I share a mother and father with.

I don't see why it would be a pressing question.

I don't think it need be a big deal. Most people who ask that are probably just trying to be polite and make mundane convo. Not open up a huge can of worms.

There's no right or wrong in family relationships.

If I didn't want to go into detail and was asked I'd just say It's quite complicated. Or just say 'a few' and change the subject.

I doubt anyone would press you and be desperate to know. It's very common to have half and step siblings. Or some people have close family or friends they call siblings/aunties/uncles etc.

It's how you feel comfortable describing your family that matters. Nobody has the right to judge.

I have historically always told people I'm an only child because telling strangers my only biological sibling died when I was a child and I have a posthumous stepsister (of sorts) seems a bit extra for polite and disinterested chit-chat.

Since my mother's death, I struggle a little more in this regard when someone asks about family and I say "my mum is dead". If they then ask about siblings, it feels strange to admit the one but deny the other. On the other hand, I'm loathe to make myself sound like Little Orphan Annie.

I am honestly not even following and it’s written down.
Just say 4. It’s enough to highlight there’s a lot of you, but not so many it’ll get probing questions. Reality is, nobody cares enough to know the details. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

I'm jealous.
I'm an only one and it feels quite lonely sometimes.
Also, it would be nice for my DC to have aunts, uncles, cousins etc.

The 2 other siblings from your dad, I take it they're only half siblings? In that case, I'd say only child.

I think you say “ It’s complicated, you might want to have a wee, turn off your phone and make yourself comfortable on a chair. And a pen and a piece of paper could come in useful.”

🙂

you do not reference your mum’s 10 siblings as yours, you are not one of 12, she is 1 of 11. You’d hear my eyes rolling if you told me that you were one of 12

This, you aren't one of 12.

"I'm an only child but I grew up in a large family household" if you feel it's appropriate and you're inclined to explain that your grandparents largely raised you.
Or "One of 12/only child" -
Whichever you feel more defines you as a person? Do you have behaviours and a personality that you feel has been influenced by one or the other?

I don't understand why not? OP was parented by two people who had 11 other children, many close in age and living together as a family. She was and is a part of that family. Those are her sibling relationships, whether or not they are technically her siblings. She has no relationship with her half siblings.

In my heart I'm one of three (full) siblings. After their divorce my mum went on to have one more child and my dad two more. So my dad says I'm one of 5, mum would say I'm one of 4. But when I'm talking to people that aren't them I am one of 3. Not necessarily because they aren't my full siblings but because I didn't grow up with them so I more see them as younger relatives?

I don't want to say 'it's complicated' because I think people think I am being secretive/ enigmatic

You don't have to be mysterious. ..you can say,

'It's a bit complicated as I'm an only child, though found out as an adult I have some half siblings, and I also lived with my grandparents who have eleven children so they feel like siblings'

If you don't want to tell all and sundry your business, say you're an only child.

Although you were raised as one of 12 there wouldn't have been 12 kids in the house, for starts your mother was gone (I presumed). So there are likely to be older uncles or aunts that had also moved on before you were born. So you can't say there were 12 kids in the house. You could say you were raised by your grandmother with many other kids and leave it like that. As a general rule if I ask someone and they tell me they were raised by their Gran, I don't pry because that fact in itself tells me the circumstances are complicated and possibly sensitive to discuss.

I have a similar problem. Not grand parents but blended families, step siblings, new siblings from 2nd/3rd marriage and my only full sibling has died. Never quite sure how to answer. But no one really cares either. The same person asked me 3 times about siblings which hurts when you have to repeat that one died as it didn’t register! I just laugh and say oh loads!