To think most people in long-term relationships are just emotionally flatlining together?

[TicklishSloth]

Half the couples I know look more like co-managers than partners.

Nope. 30 years and happier than ever!

Yes I’m sure there’s an element of peer pressure (and also the complaining was accompanied by leering at young women as well) but they are grown adults. If you like and respect your partner you don’t act like that.

I agree, and am happy DH doesn't seem to do it, but we all know that many men are weak and just need to "fit in with the lads".

I view couples who met and married very young and are clearly very very happy and just think HOW???? How can you pick the right person at 18? How come both of you changed together as you matured into being still compatible? How can a person be stable and mature enough to be picking wisely so young? I do know a few couples who are into 40 years married and met as teenagers.

@ViciousCurrentBun RE: hoover cupboard - oh yes that would take us years of emotional non-flatlining

we are still beginners!
outstanding non-flatlining currently include putting tumble dryer on top of washing machine (then the real task of a fitted disposal system where tumble currently is)

and the purchase of 6 garden chairs or we continue to use camping chairs until they fall apart (then drag indoor chairs outside for “a while”) - I am assuming we will just see some whilst out

We're definitely flatlining. I'm very happy, but on my own terms. DP is a brilliant co parent but we don't do much together. I like it.

There is a certain joy in calm acceptance of each other, imperfect as we are. Life is complex enough a lot of the time. I don't want or need an emotional rollercoaster, which seems to be the opposite of flatlining. Love is in the small things in a long term relationship, not grand gestures.

That's an easy question to answer: you marry your best friend.
30 years together now and my husband is still literally my favourite person to be around. I'm not convinced many people even like their other halves! That's where things go wrong.
Yes, we've both changed as people along the way but we fundamentally still share the same values. That's kept us strong as a couple.

It seems you’ve misunderstood my comment. 😆

It wasn’t about “drama”.

I was merely noting the fact that everything “equals death”, eventually… unless you’re now claiming that long-term relationships make us immortal?

Very often it’s the couples you think are totally wrong for each other or have lots of adversity are the ones that are still going strong many years later .

It seems you're quite pedantic aren't you.

Because we just love the bones of each other, we connected in a way i didnt know was possible with another human being. We didnt "pick" each other, we found each other, thankfuck.
Life has been a series of ups and downs and rollercoasters and roundabouts, but in all of that has been an unwavering love for each other, respect, kindness, a deep deep friendship and a hanging on to each other when life battered us.
I love him more with each passing year and he me. I have also never seen a man i fancy like him, 40 yrs later i still get butterflies. He is such a good man, and in this world, we know how lucky we are. I was 16 he was 17.
But we werent there at 16 saying oh lets stay together for 100yrs, we just wanted to be together. We got a flat together at 21. We just didnt want to be apart. Much like everyone else who gets married, we just got there earlier.

Exactly this! Us women in are 60s aren't from the Dark Ages. I too had careers, contraception, home ownership (on my own), lots of boyfriends and no intention of settling for any of them where marriage was concerned. I bucked the trend and married the love of my life - quite a departure from my previous boyfriends. Living my best life now - not back them.

Whatever @TheSecondMrsTanqueray thinks 60 is - it isn't.

I think you're foolish if you expect to see the spark from a new relationship to still be there 20, 30, 40 years later. My marriage isn't the same now as it was 30 years ago. Our love, however, is deeper and stronger.

Er @sunnywithtsunamis - you're @ ing the wrong poster!

My Mum who has been happily married to my Dad for 60 years says “it was just pure luck we found each other… how could we have known?” ☺️

For me it's changed over time. The hardest part was when we were both mid-career with teenage dc. We still got on but the whole business of life felt like a bit of a slog. dh had a brute of a boss for a couple of years and came home unhappy most nights; I travelled a lot with work and there were endless domestic arrangements to be made as a consequence; finances were OK but not improving; life with teenagers - well!

In our 50s, things got so much better. We had time to try new things (together and seperately), contraception ceased to be a worry, kids left home and dh and I remembered how much we liked spending time together. We had more disposable income, more adventures. We had time to invest in each other. We supported each other through deaths of parents.

In our 60's and a new phase of life that we're exploring together. How we spend our time in retirement, how we keep ourselves (individually) motivated and engaged in community and world life, being grandparents and recalling fondly (or not so fondly) the years of our own young family. We still share the same quirky sense of humour, and the same deep passions and values. Doesn't feel like flat-lining.

Yes I know several, long term married couples like this. The initial romantic love (which probably wasn't all that strong anyway) faded over time and left them with a Functional Fondness. But, this actually works for many couples and they're content enough with their lot. And that's absolutely fine.

Not everyone wants or aspires to be Romeo & Juliet, Edward & Bella, Xaden & Violet etc.

But for me, it had to be a lifelong passion or nothing at all. Have been with DH for 34 years and have never stopped falling in love with him.

No, I don't think that. That was maybe truer in the past when divorce was far more stigmatised and also when people 'had' to get married if the woman got pregnant. Now, though, it seems as if more and more people are trying to live their lives as if they are movie stars, ie splitting as soon as the going gets even a little bit tough. Mind you, I'm not saying that it was better in the old days. It very clearly wasn't. However, I think that if anything people are less rather than more tolerant of not being in a state of constant gratification. I also am not aware of any couples who operate as you describe.

Have been with DH for 34 years and have never stopped falling in love with him.

What does that even mean?

What do you think it means? Just because some people are soured on love, doesn't mean everyone is. This whole thread is very sour grapes, I think.

I'm engaging with Arraminta.

I've been happily married for over 30 years so no need to snipe at me if you're struggling

That I still feel head over heels in love with him. That he can still make me blush. That I still find him very physically attractive. That I still miss him very much if he's away.

Really, just that I've never reached that plateau where the passion fades to fondness, I guess? I never expected it. I'm rather pragmatic and cynical by nature, to be honest.

We have a young child so we are slugging through it currently,

but we do love each other and when we do get time alone (not enough) we really enjoy being with each other.

uhh no just because we look all business when we are out in public dealing with the kids doesn’t mean we aren’t totally loved up together once we are behind closed doors.