To think most people in long-term relationships are just emotionally flatlining together?

[TicklishSloth]

Half the couples I know look more like co-managers than partners.

No it doesn't. Not everyone wants drama.

DH and I both dislike drama and our main goal is a quiet, happy life. Working towards that gives us satisfaction and happiness.

Explain why that means our relationship will inevitably die?

Yeah it's a bit mundane and comfortable but there is love, friendship and companionship which is not to be sniffed at.

I might be in the minority but actually I love stability, comfort, support. I don’t need fireworks every day. I love knowing that whatever happens, he’s got my back, and I’ve got his. We’re on the same team. If that’s “emotionally flatlining” then so be it.

Same. Fireworks and drama are incredibly overrated.

You do make some interesting points though, OP. I think many married people are living lives of quiet desperation.

Not sure what’s wrong with any of this! It’s not flat lining in my eyes either. I grew up with parents ina frantic argumentative relationship… no thanks.

We are 14 years together maybe we seem boring to others but i dunno but i’m 46 i couldn’t give a shit. We are very happy and secure in our relationship. You can’t judge a relationship from seeing people on their phones, sometimes we both are checking them other times we are constant chatter while out. Neither is a complete overview of our relationship.

Being together with someone you love, trust and can rely on is a wonderful thing.

I've been with my partner for 20 years…he’s my best friend and we share everything. Yes the first flush passion goes, but what’s left is a deep respect, love and happiness.

who needs the drama???

Exactly. It’s a bit teenage to denigrate a respectful, supportive relationship for being “soooo booooring”.

I think that, unless you have been in a very long term relationship and brought up kids with someone then you have absolutely no idea what goes on.

I do wish younger women didn’t look at older women in such a negative light.

I’m 56, run my own successful business, dress relatively young, go to yoga and the gym, and believe it or not, regardless of what the big numbers say, we don’t act and feel our age….I'm not ‘old’ regardless of my age….is what I’m trying to say….and believe me, these big number come faster than you think.

back in the 80’s, 90’s when these mythical unhappy 60+ couples probably got married, relationships weren’t much different to how they were now. You met someone, you fell in love and got married. Some lasted some unfortunately didn’t.
There was no ‘settling’….. it wasn't the 1800’s !

I work in the wedding industry, so have more of an insight into the longevity of marriages in the 2000's.

I have worked with several brides twice…got married, got divorced, and getting married again….all in a matter of years…. It’s more common than anyone realises.

people aren’t much different in their hope and aspirations for relationships now, then they were 30 odd years ago….

Surely it’s more emotionally flat being single?

Me & H aren’t emotionally flat at all, we can have engaged conversations expressing emotions over bread bins, if need be (hence why it took 15 months to buy “the one) if we had had to do this solo it would have been a much more emotionally flat “journey”.

Talk to your friends OP you might be pleasantly surprised at how much unforeseen emotion is lurking behind closed doors.

This.

I do get this totally and in the same sentence they say how great the marriage is and it may well be. My friends I always thought they were in loved up marriages and the 'perfect match ' but the more I got to know them and as a couple the more I could see them changing. And then I count myself lucky with my other half , as a pp said we cuddle every day, make each other laugh and I am lucky I know after that 20+ years together and 2 kids later....

I was determinedly single before meeting dh, and I never saw a relationship that made me think “I’d like to be a part of that”. My dp’s marriage was a train wreck. I’d known lots of catholic married for life couples struggling on together. And many peers seemed mostly afraid of being single, so many bright and brilliant girls with men that didn’t seem to bring anything much to the partnership. And some abuse.

I was so cynical about it all that dh completely sideswiped me. I’m still a bit baffled how he managed to pin me down.

I wonder how we present to outsiders - not particularly well I imagine because we’re both quite private. We also bicker a bit which for us is a sort of affectionate doublespeak but sounds grumpy to others. Inside the relationship it’s full of kindness, support and a deep curiosity about each other. It’s sensual as well as sexual. We often have those little telepathic moments of being on each others wavelength. And of course we irritate each other, challenge and argue too.

Throw in a couple of teenagers and emotional flatlining sounds like a distant blissful dream!

I consider myself very lucky, but now when I look at other couples I can see more of the partnerships and connections than I could as a singleton. And I know it can be very different on the inside.

There’s also a part of me that would have liked to stay single and live that life too. I miss who I was, and I think I’d be quite different now. Dh and I have very different perspectives on the world and I’ve grown and changed a lot as has he. And there are passions and hobbies that got set aside by the time, energy and cash constraints of rearing a family.

To me, 'partners' doesn't sound any more exciting than, 'co-managers', it all sounds like a job, it isn't very romantic. I think marriage works when you remain individuals and your not expected to sacrifice your identity for the partnership.

You're not 'your'.

but my feeling is that 'marriage needs work to maintain' is accurate.

I have never felt that my marriage needs work. I take the view that if it really needs a lot of work then it can't be a good marriage.

Married 44 years next month and no flatlining here.

Couples come in many variations.

We are retired now though DH does do some consulting, this was our day yesterday. DH was working in the morning at home, I spent yesterday morning volunteering. We then had a walk and some lunch out, a scrabble game with a new made up rule of our own. I laughed so much I cried during that scrabble game. We then had dinner and snuggled up on the sofa and watched 2 episodes of a new series.

He is off to ‘ that London ‘ today, he is actually from that area and there will be much joking about it. I grew up rurally. Very town mouse and country mouse ribbing. I adore the weird little in jokes that mean absolutely fuck all to anyone else. On the way to the station we will have what we call our ‘horrible little club’ in the car if needed where we complain about others behaviours, no holds barred.

@frozendaisy I raise your bread bin wars with which cupboard to store the hoover, DH ended up building a special cupboard from scratch, it has no lip so can be wheeled in without lifting.

Co-managers support each other, they're aware of the potential risks without their input and support and strive for a good outcome.

Sounds good to me. I am the manager, DH is the assistant manager, with perks. 🥰

"From the outside" is key. Your observations aren't enough to have any real insight into anyone's relationship. Seems a bit like people who go "ooooh she must be having a hard time" based on a paparazzi shot of a celebrity through a cafe window, or "you can SEE his EYES are EVIL" based on a mugshot.

DP and I don't perform our deepest connections in public. The idea makes me cringe. Our silly private jokes, our physical connection and the lowest moments we've supported each other through are things I would be uncomfortable for other people to see, to put it mildly (and I imagine they would be uncomfortable too).

Most couples I know are like that as well. No gushing over each other in public (IRL or online), gentle ribbing of each other, not joined at the hip. I was out for a birthday dinner at the weekend and we joked with another couple about swapping places at the table so none of us had to sit next to someone we saw every day of the week, I imagine you'd have thought that meant we were all coasting on routine rather than just making a joke?

Every couple I know who has done public gushing over each other has been quite short-lived.

I don't really know what "emotionally flatlining" means but I do know that feeling safe, secure and stable is one of the best feelings in the world, infinitely preferable to an emotional rollercoaster.

Don’t mistake peace and balance for a flatline.
Id take harmony over an emotional rollercoaster anyday

I know one couple this could possibly apply to, but the rest of the circle seem really happy in their long term marriages/relationships. It's not the hearts and flowers of a new relationship, but a much deeper connection, shared history, the gruelling years raising children and building careers. Our circle are mostly of an age where the offspring are launched, and are settled, content (these are not boring things to be) and enjoying life with their partner.

I think relationships and friendships have transformed into this generally of late. Technology, phones, social media, busyness.

Eh, it depends.

I hate to admit it as I grew up with divorced parents myself, but people in broken relationships tend to hang out with others in similar circumstances, so that’s all you end up seeing.

Whereas people in stable, happy relationships seems to have a similar network, which in turn would make them perceive relationships differently.

Plus it’s ever evolving. Especially if you have children added to the mix.

You can't really judge a relationship on how they juggle the daily grind, the real test is how they show up for each other when one of the couple gets made redundant or a loved one is sick in hospital or in those fleeting moments of connection first thing in the morning or last thing at night. A lot of my friends have young kids at the moment, so I partly recognise your description, but I've no doubt that they still love each other profoundly (well, there's one exception to that that but that's not to do with the issues you describe).