To think most people in long-term relationships are just emotionally flatlining together?

[TicklishSloth]

Half the couples I know look more like co-managers than partners.

I think you're right that a lot of relationships have issues but I don't think it's a matter of flatlining or going into autopilot. On the contrary, I think when you're with someone for long enough you are intensely vulnerable and dealing with issues can feel very raw and difficult - there is so much to lose. So people choose to maintain a status quo for fear of losing something so valuable.

Keeping a relationship going for multiple decades isn't easy and it is hard not to let resentments and routine get in the way of really seeing each other. A lot of couples want to be good partners to each other but lack the skill to deal with the issues that have built up over the years. That's just a fact of life unfortunately.

If 'family values' people were really serious about keeping families together they'd offer everyone good couples counselling for free.

I don’t want to live on an emotional rollercoaster. We’ve been married nearly 20 years. We’re happy most of the time and love each other very much. Sometimes we’re just bumbling along together but we love each others company, we laugh and laugh together. We enjoy holidays and days out together. We’ve been through a lot and grown together so much. Is it always exciting? No, but I don’t want it to be. Real life isn’t like that.

I'm sure some people, OP included, would find my relationship boring but luckily I love it. I love the peace, the reliability, the quiet love instead of fireworks and drama. We laugh together, cuddle together, support one another but we're definitely not demonstrative about it. We're fine sitting in silence if that's what we want in the moment. I also don't talk to friends about my marriage unless it's to share travel plans or something. So from the outside looking in I don't think anyone would have a clue how happy we are together.

I would say amongst my (our) friendship groups not at all, most are seemingly in very loving marriages, still fancy each other etc. or they are single. We are probably the most tumultuous but not flat lining at all- I long for that sometimes!

Although I agreed mostly with your initial op, I dont think how couple look when in public or groups is at all a good way of judging... They've probably already been 'curious: as you put it about what's happening with the other one, and has their in jokes and playfulness when alone. When out with other people they are going to pay less attention to each other, or be more surface in their interactions as that isn't the time for the deep stuff. And actually once you have been together a long time you've done a lot of talking, so companiable silence / looking at your phones etc isn't necessarily a bad sign - trying to fill every minute with conversation could be pretty exhausting for some quieter people!

I'm not sure it is always better to be single / move on than emotionally sidelined. It depends, but for many people in a long term commitment, that would mean a significant financial blow (especially if have kids so somehow have to be able to afford 2 homes suitable for them to stay in instead of one between you), less time with your kids, less help with them when you do have them, emotional upheaval for your kids. Obviously if you are actively unhappy or in an abusive situation it would be worth all that change to get out, but if you are just flatligning, lots of people wouldn't think it was worth it.

Especially as that would then leave you the choice of either being single (so no extra emotional attachment) or dating and having to deal with the messiness of bringing another adult into your kids' lives, potential blended families etc. And of course you'd have no control if your ex decided to date and give them a step parent even if you decided not to.

Life isn't that simple!

I think you are mixing or watching the wrong people. We have been married for 42 years and on the same day we could look affectionate or we might not, obviously just like younger couples. You just cannot judge someone's relationship by a minute's observation.

I agree with finding people who say “married life is hard” or a marriage takes work aren’t in happy marriages.

Adult life is hard.

My husband makes it all easier. I do the same for him.

We don’t always agree, but we don’t fight.

We have discussions, but fundamentally we share the same beliefs and life goals etc.

I have mum friends who I think settled, or came from families with dysfunctional relationships. So it’s easy for me to sit here and say marriage is the dream when I know I wouldn’t have married someone who wasn’t willing to be my equal, or wouldn’t have parented how I wanted to etc.

DH and I say it to each other quite often, but of course never to anyone else, we certainly feel we’re happier than many couples we know. Quite a few friends who always seem to be bickering or moaning about each other or the kids etc etc.

But the maybe the bickering and moaning is part of the dynamic and actually they love it.

Kind of like how you imagine no one else is having sex as good etc. I’m sure people are but I’m not going around talking about my sex life to compare to other people who’ve been together 20 years etc.

We all just need to be happy with what we’ve got and if we aren’t then figure out how to improve it.

I think this is exactly it.

We don’t have big negative emotions, nor make a big song and dance about the positive ones.

Hugely in love, wonderful marriage, I’m never in any doubt he’s there for me in anything I need.

I think there are lots of people who, for them, big blazing rows are normal. We literally have never shouted at one another in 20 years. That to me would be horrible.

People all have very different relationships.

I might have agreed with you at one point, but I don't anymore and I think this viewpoint is simplistic. My best friend and her husband adore each other and are very well suited but there are various situations that have made their relationship hard. I've tried to help but there's a limit to what I can do - really what they need is counselling to get them past some sticking points that are causing conflict. The fact that they struggle to deal with those on their own isn't a failing - they were never taught the skills they needed to figure it out. It breaks my heart because they are such a lovely couple but they just can't get it right. I feel if they stick at it and don't bail they will get past it but I'm not sure they can do that - their marriage is very hard, not because they chose badly but because life dealt them some very difficult blows.

I have huge compassion for people who struggle. It really isn't easy to get it right all the time and you never know when life might smack you one and make you less certain about how perfect your relationship really is.

Well it is a bit like that (16 years in here) but I think it’s unrealistic to expect it not to be. Life moves on and we can’t all be shagging and ripping each others clothes off all the time and being romantic 24/7. (Just maybe one day of the week…)!

Yes, I wondered that. Growing old with DH and we love each other more than ever. But most of our married friends are pretty happy with each other too. Most have some separate interests as well as a shared social and home life.

Have been with my DH for 20 years and we have a DC. We still make time during the workday (DC at daycare), to go out to breakfast or lunch. We get dressed nicely and go to a nice cafe and we talk the entire time.

I will agree at times at home, we are not the sparkling conversationalists that we were when we first met or tearing each other’s clothes off. We have routine and work.

For us, we chose to have DC and navigating it together so we will get some right and some wrong. As long as we can provide a secure house for DC I don’t mind if we do come across to others as stale or flatline or whatever lol, if someone is that interested in our relationship enough to make observations because I checked my phone in the shops while together or something.

To the outside world me and my husband (together 12 years) probably look like ‘co-managers’. We have busy lives with two young children. Relationships evolve. We’re not staring in to each other’s eyes and holding hands across the table at dinner but I love him and he loves me and is committed to our family. Affection and sillyness is now saved for behind closed doors…

My husband of 25 years is my favourite person in the world, he makes me laugh more than anyone else and there is no one I would rather spend time with and he feels the same way. We spend a lot of time together just the two of us because we enjoy it, so when we are with other people we focus on them and not each other. You often can't see into relationships from the outside.

I honestly think you cannot tell what is going on between other people. Everyone’s ’emotional connection’ is different.

I spent a large part of my childhood thinking my parents were on the verge of divorce. I was often hiding from the shouting or ducking a flying plate that my dm had thrown at my DDad. Then my dm died, quite young, and my DDad has been in the wilderness ever since. He has been utterly desolate without her, for over twenty years now. Rudderless. There was clearly a deep connection there, but you’d never have known it.

I'm probably one of those you observe OP and many of my friends are too. But we have young kids or teens and we are often totally overwhelmed by our responsibilities. I don't want to talk to DH half the time because I'm so tired. Yet despite this we acknowledge life is hard now and we are both positive about our future when things get easier. We have only recently been able to go out without taking turns or babysitters and the world has opened up again. Just because we aren't starry eyed doesn't mean the relationship is weak. It's strong when it really counts.

Depressing thought. Married 20 years - very happy. Actually, happier than ever. What's driving your cynicism?

Why would they have had to settle for the wrong people back then? I am 68 and divorced was I was 25 remarried when I was 26. There was no question of remaining a bad marriage, for me, my ex husband and many friends who also divorced.

Divorce was not unusual in the 1980s,

I think ‘comfy’ is perhaps the right word rather than emotionally flatlining… my DH is my best friend, he is very supportive and I love him to bits, our relationship is not difficult and we rarely argue. we do lots together and sometimes it is good to try new stuff/go somewhere new to get out of that comfort zone… but I don’t feel the need to talk to him even if we’re out as we spend so much time together, but it’s always companionable - just because we might sit and look at our phones doesn’t mean we are flatlining!

likewise I think it’s common to take each other for granted and feel in your comfort zone of not having to make an effort, esp when things are busy or one of you has a lot going on mentally- if it’s a good relationship the other understands that. then you get a reminder to change things up a bit, make some effort again and balance is returned. Ups and downs of a normal relationship I think…

I think if a relationship has emotionally disconnected then it’s doomed of course- perhaps the older generation stick at it more due to tradition despite falling out of love?? My M&D are in their 70’s and can’t stand the sight of each other but will not do anything about it because of all the upheaval and ‘one of them will be dead soon’… very sad way to live.

Well, I am happy with my DH of 25 years in a calm, quiet way, that's true. Suits us both very well. I imagine it looks very dull from the outside.

I think that life is very hard now for a lot of people—especially in the early childhood years— and if one was not fortunate to pick someone resilient, optimistic, skilled, and financially successful a lot of difficult and wearing stuff happens that knocks the stuffing out of one or both of some couples.

As my mother—married successfully and passionately for 70 years always says “people get married in the present and then start living in the past.” She meant that people often naively think that the person you date and fall inlove with has the same mental model of marriage/success/family that you do but one has a rude awakening as they begin operating out of their childhood experiences which may not mesh with yours.

And of course people have quiet tragedies and losses that you can’t see and that the youthful versions of themselves did not anticipate. Job loss, sick children, family crises, tanking economy, wars, etc…

I have been lucky in many ways that had nothing to do with me or my romantic choices: covid struck just as I could start to WFH, my dh retired just before the economy tanked, my children were not at a vulnerable stage of their education. All ghese make it possible for me to be happy, optimistic, resilient, and non resentful of my dh (or he of me). What i mean is that anyone’s good guess about a life partner can be overwhelmed by the harsh facts of world events.

What i mean is that anyone’s good guess about a life partner can be overwhelmed by the harsh facts of world events that is a very good point. Throw disability or unexpected deaths into the mix and it's much harder.

Inevitably, I’m afraid that it does, in the end…

I don’t know many happy couples in their 60s+ but I put that down to people having to settle for the wrong people back then

Back then?! 😂

Those of us now in our 60s met our spouses in the 80s and 90s. We had careers, contraception and more of an opportunity to purchase a house without our partner than young women have now. And in many cases those houses are now paid off and have enough equity for both couples to live separately if the relationship is no longer working.

DH and I always have lots to chat about, laugh every day and he's got my back and I've got his.