To think most people in long-term relationships are just emotionally flatlining together?

[TicklishSloth]

Half the couples I know look more like co-managers than partners.

“Spark” can be difficult to maintain when you’re trying to work, run a household, and raise children. I expect a lot of the couples you know who seem to lack it also would like things to be different, but don’t know where to start. And particularly if you grew up in a family where your own parents just quietly got in with doing much the same thing, there’s not much of a template for being different, or knowing how to make things different.

I don’t see it among my friends; but we’re all childfree and both halves of couples tend to be financially independent - more time to focus on ourselves, and plenty of options if things really aren’t working out and aren’t fixable.

I don’t know many happy couples in their 60s+ but I put that down to people having to settle for the wrong people back then. It seems to go beyond not being happy and actually they are deeply resentful of each other.
I don’t notice it much in under that age

I agree with a lot of what you’ve said. I’m not suggesting that single people have it easier or that long-term love should look like a romcom. I know all relationships ebb and flow and some phases are just about survival, especially when kids are young.

But I do think there’s a difference between enduring a rough patch and quietly resting yourself to emotional disengagement as the default. It’s not about expecting constant sparks, just… some genuine connection behind co-running a household. And I think we’re still not great at talking about that without shame or judgement - like people feel they either have to pretend everything’s fine or blow it all up. I wonder if there’s more space for honest middle ground.

No true here, I am literally married to the love of my life and think how lucky I am every day

Been together 15 years and it's better than when we first got together age 19...

But I don't exactly shout about it, so I doubt outsiders would know how loved up we are. If you're looking at others relationships, you can't ever know what they're like from the outside. If you're unhappy in a LT relationship, know that definitely isn't the norm!!

Going through break up and we ended up like this, I think most do. I'll never live with anyone again and stay independent but just date or have a relationship without living together. They seem the most happiest. INDEPENDENT but csn come together like best of friends and lovers.

That’s definitely one of the things that’s made me notice it yeah. You’ll see couples sitting across from each other, not saying much, or just scrolling on their phones, and it starts to feel less like comfortable silence and more like emotional autopilot. Obviously, you can’t know what a relationship’s really like from the outside but when that quiet disconnection seems to be the norm rather than the exception, it’s hard not to wonder how many people are just coasting out of habit.

Tolerable level of unhappiness

But where and when do you see them? At home in the evening whilst they are on the sofa? In bed?

Marriages go through stages and fulfil different functions at different times. In the child care years a lot of people would put a good, calm, fuss free 'co manager' relationship ahead of the emotional high drama of the deeply 'in love'. Later on when responsibility eases they might rediscover that, or move onto a different phase. The most important part is that the relationship fulfils its purpose and can adapt to what's required at the time.

Half can't be a minority. That's not how numbers work.

A lot of being a family is "managing" stuff that needs to happen. It doesn't mean that those people's emotions have "flat lined". They just don't show their love for each other to you.

Of course I’m not seeing them in their most intimate moments. But I’m talking about what people project day to day - in public, at gatherings, when chatting about their lives. It’s more the tone - the constant joking about nagging or tuning each other out or the sense that they’re coasting on routine rather than connection. It doesn’t mean they don’t have private moments of intimacy but from the outside a lot of it looks more like low-grade detachment than partnership.

I noticed a remark someone made that stuck with me. She was talking about marriage in general and saying that she thought people who had to 'work at it' or who said 'marriage is hard' had married the wrong person. She said that she and her husband were best friends and never had a cross word.

I wondered if there's some truth to that.

How many couples have you observed to come to this conclusion ?
Your description does not describe any ltr i know.
My 32 year long relationship partner will be getting a good seeing to in the morning before work, i absolutely would not describe our relationship as flatlining !

Hmmm....

I love being single.

But if you are "emotionally sidelined" then you're in the wrong relationship - and you move on. Of course if you can't find "your person" being single is better than being half of a crap couple.

Personally we're 35 years in and in our heads we're still those 20 somethings we were when we met 😁we still laugh every day, we have joy and fun and so much love, we are still each other's favourite person, we fit together, it's right and both of our lives are infinitely better for being together.

Quiet contentment, peaceful satisfaction and a drama-free, moderate life together doesn't equal death.

Crikey, no. Nearly 40 years together and we adore each other. In every way.
And we work together every day too.
We love our lives together. Another 100 years wouldnt be enough.

I disagree. I think as the relationship goes on and/or you get older the PDAs reduce but there's still plenty of emotional connection in private.

I’m not claiming to have universal insight, just sharing a pattern I’ve noticed in my own social circles and daily life. Of course there are long-term couples who are still deeply connected and enjoying each other, that’s great to hear in your case.

But I also think it’s okay to say that relationships can settle into a kind of autopilot. It doesn’t mean there’s no love or value there, just that for some, the emotional and romantic spark gets buried under the logistics of everyday life. That’s not everyone’s experience but it is some people’s. And I think it’s worth talking about without shame or defensiveness.

I thought all my friends were in happy relationships, but as soon as I split from my exh, they started talking about things in their marriage they had not wanted to share before

I would say you are wrong, it is not half that are flatlining, far more than that are.
There are plenty of studies and statistics showing that married men are happier than single men, but for women is the other way around. I guess not many of us relish the idea of being housekeepers, PAs, whatever to our husbands, especially in these times when being “equals” means we split the bills 50/50, we both work full time, but someway women are still expected to carry the mental load for everything at home, do most of house chores and the child rearing 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m about to take the dogs for a walk With dh (20 years) and if you were to observe us you’d see us walking silently together. We’ve both had hard days at work, sorted our 3 teens and got each to where they need to be for clubs and we’re done. I love the fact that when I have nothing to give, I can be in dh’s presence with no need to give more. The fact we can be silent in each other’s company is a strength.

I see what you’re saying. I know a lot of relationships like this, including mine.
I’ve been with my DH 25+ years, if we didn’t have children, I’m not sure we’d still be together.
We’re very good friends and good co-parents and I’m certain I’m happier in the relationship than I would be out of it for now. Financially and emotionally (I wouldn’t want to split time with my children). He seems happy enough too.
But once our youngest reaches 18, I’m not sure…. But we’ll be mid 50s by then 😂

You're coming across very childish.

Of course a couple in a committed relationship for decades isn't going to be leaping around with stars in their eyes like a pair of lovestruck teenagers. Neither are they going to be having big emotional dramas every other week.

People have busy lives, with jobs, kids and houses to look after, maybe also elderly parents. A huge part of an adult relationship is working as a team to keep on top of the minutiae of every day life.

Some days, my husband and I barely have a moment together and by the time we do, we're too tired to say much, but I can assure you I would die for him, and he would for me.

Most people's lives are too full to be analysing what it means when two people drink a coffee whilst looking at their phones, or how "connected" someone is to their partner. I think you need to take some more time looking inwards and what's missing in your life to feel the need to do that.