To think most people in long-term relationships are just emotionally flatlining together?

[TicklishSloth]

Half the couples I know look more like co-managers than partners.

We are coordinating logistics, completely relying on each other, being intimate, respectful companions, and raising children together.
Im not sure what’s your objection?

I never found raising DC "gruelling." It was great fun.

Not the point of the thread, I know, but I love the idea that the “other half” are “in the minority” 😜

By far the majority of couples I know are very happy and have been together many years.
My DH and I have been together nearly 20
years and are happier than ever, we will be retiring in a couple of years and have so much to look forward to together.

Divorce rates peaked in the late 80s and 90s, those people are probably in their 60s+ now, so I don't think it's that

The happiest couples I know are actually 60s plus. They've weathered the storms of having children, bereavement, strving to establish a career and are looking forward to retiring.

Of course, yes. A lot of people are being very defensive about this but it is hard to feel hugely emotionally inflamed by someone you share a home with, whose socks you are washing and with whom you share a fridge.

That's the whole point though isn't it? Marriage and raising children is supposed to be stable, predictable and (dare I say it) boring. Hormonally driven fireworks, soppy romantic displays and all night long heart-to-hearts are the last thing you want if you're raising teenagers.

I'm fine with that. I love my partner to bits and we still have a good sex life but it's not like a teenage romance. I don't have time for that and I don't want it.

Love can survive children and cohabitation, and love morphs into something more calmer and probably ultimately more sustaining.

But cohabitation is the death knell for what's conventionally called "romance". If you don't want the spark to die for God's sake don't move in together or have kids.

I think from the outside a lot of relationships may look like that when you have kids. It’s just the logistics of life. My husband calls me every morning after he’s dropped DD off to school so we can have a half hour chat, no-one would see that. We don’t have any childcare so date nights are often a bottle of wine at home, you wouldn’t see that. You wouldn’t know that DH did the majority of nights whilst working because I had PND without complaining or that I like to sleep squished up to him. Whats that if not love, enjoying each others company, laughing together, holding each other up.

We aren’t always demonstrative in public, often in group situations we barely speak to each other. We both have resting bitch face as well lol. Someone reading us from the outside would probably get it wrong. We have definitely had conflict over the years, we both had dysfunctional childhoods which we try to overcome so yeah we both had to work on ourselves, our marriage and our parenting because neither of us have a healthy blueprint.

I would say though I’ve known couples who look like they are really happy in public who were privately struggling. Things aren’t always how they appear.

People in healthy relationships do fall into a bit of a cozy routine. That isnt a bad thing. After (god, Ive just added it up!) almost 30 years together its not going to be all excitement and chaos and huge emotions. That would be exhausting and it wouldnt give the stability most people in a relationship want.

It also goes in cycles, so sometimes it might seem a bit flat mate or transactional eg when you are going through a period when you are just trying to survive day to day but other times it definitely isnt.

And of course, you never know what goes on behind closed doors. So those couples you think are flat-lining might be very different in private.

Uktimately though, if you're happy being single, concern yourself with that, not with what other people's relationships look like.

Not true in our case. Been married 35 years this year, still romantic and sexual partners.

I think unless you know the people and the details of this relationship it is just nonsense. People can have companionable silence. These days young couples even sit on their phones in the same room messaging each other! Sometimes if you've spent all day together you might just want a bit of quiet. I'm not saying those kind of relationships don't exist, of course they do, but to make this assumption is very lazy. And definitely in my opinion feels like someone trying to justify their life situation/choices. Why comment on something you say you don't want?

Not true for us. Happily married and have a great relationship with fun. Sex and shared goals and dreams

'emotionally flatlining'

In other words you hate the idea of settling down and have a personality which craves drama, and you want to normalise this and so are beating other people with a stick to do this.

Perhaps come to terms with the fact that you seek out highs and lows and get off on it rather than questioning what other people do.

Personally I'm married to some who is chaos and that works for me.

I think it depends on the couple, and on where they are. When we first got married it felt very romantic and intense and sexual. When kids were very small definitely mainly co-managers of logistics. Now they’re older and more independent it’s somewhere like best friends who can finish each other’s sentences with really good sex and no drama or rollercoaster of emotions. And it’s the perfect point for where we are now. I do know some couples who are flatlining emotionally, and others who are madly and obviously crazy in love. It is hard to generalize.

Threads like that make people hide that they may be unhappy or disconnected or have rare sex

Emotional flatlining - does this even mean anything?!

In any event, maybe they like it that way. Maybe the roller-coaster ride does not appeal.

You’re reminding me of a friend who is single, but has a few long term relationships and lots of flings / one night stands. When she is in a relationship there is lots of passion and drama, and she seems to disparage relationships where she perceives there is no passion.

and I would rather still be with my husband or 20 odd years even if there isn’t any drama, and not a lot of passion, because: I love him with all my heart, he feels the same, we are happy and content with each other, we are kind to each other and yes, sometimes we are “co managers” in our home. But I wouldn’t change it for passion and drama that fades quickly

Really? How long have these people been together? Because I would easily say about half the couples I know are flatlining and don’t seem to have much genuine affection for each other or any interest in one another. I’m not single myself so I’m not trying to project or anything.

How do you know? DH and I are pretty affectionate when we're alone together but not so much Infront of others. We laugh and joke together and we have a good sex life, which other people wouldn't know about either.
I'm not entirely sure I know what you mean by your comments. I very rarely see people who act more like housemates than partners. Or perhaps I do but it doesn't register. I'm not that interested in other people's relationships.

The cost of living doesn’t help. If you’re in an ok boring marriage/relationship what is the alternative? A lot of hardship for everyone.

I seem to know quite a few couples who speak to each other like shit and make snide remarks all the time. I mean maybe in private they are really affectionate and I’m missing something.

That's a different point though isnt it? That's just a poor relationship and with a lack of respect for each other.

I know some people will say that's "just bants like innit" but talking to each other or about each other like shit is just nasty and if you cant speak nicely to each other then you shouldn't be together. Regardless of whether you are "flat lining" in a relationship there needs to be a level of respect.

DH and I "bicker" a lot, it's affectionate and never mean or nasty and it's definitely reciprocal, not just one of us "digging" and the other seething. It might seem to outsiders if they hear us like we're arguing or digging but they'll not be catching the inside jokes or the giggles.

They also won't see things like the fact I'll barely be in bed before he's cuddled in, or that even when one of us has to leave the house at 5am we kiss goodbye. They won't see the fact that he calls the second he's in the car on his way home from work to tell me about his day or leaps at every opportunity to leave early (such as having to pick something up from elsewhere or drop something off) to get home earlier than I'm expecting and surprise me (I WFH).

They won't see that he's the first person I need to tell when good or bad things happen or the last person I want to see before bed. They won't see me giggling like a school girl when he goes up a ladder to fix something because I find that image of him weirdly attractive.

All people see outside of our relationship is fleeting moments in public. They don't see the love inside it.

Editing to add that we do indeed have a young DC and both have quite demanding jobs. So it may seem like we are just "managing" life together sometimes but aren't we all just "managing" life and what needs to happen?

I am not talking about jokey bickering. More like calling the other a “fat fucking cunt” and stuff like that. I also used to work in a male dominated office and used to go out for drinks with the men and the disparaging way they talked about their wives and partners was quite disgusting. I always used to think why the hell are you with her seeing as you clearly hate her.

I think that's the "done thing" with men tbh. DH came home one day from drinks after work (he rarely goes, doesn't drink and he's got an hour's drive so just likes to head home) and said there was a lot of "complaining about the missus" happening and when they asked him why he was quiet he said "I actually like my wife". Apparently they all started backtracking saying they like theirs too and it's just a laugh.

It's not right, but I do think there's a certain level of "expected" complaining about your spouse. Women I work with do it about their H's too. Weirdly, not the men but maybe they just don't do it around me, cos woman.

I have never heard the term 'emotionally flatlining together' but that sounds like a healthy relationship to me.