Eating out etiquette

[sparkles02]

There’s a group of us that go out maybe once or twice a month for meals sometimes with a few drinks thrown in etc.

Its an all female group and we usually head somewhere that has a set menu (pre theatre/lunch) kind of idea. All taking turns on deciding the place we would eat.

Until recently this worked well, we would split the bill evenly. We’ve all had days where we’ve been on water or soft drinks so it worked itself out.

The last few times though when one of the party suggests the restaurant it hasn’t been where there are set menus which is ok but then this person has then ordered expensive dishes and expects the rest of us to split the bill rather than offering to pay extra as they have had a more expensive dish (for context meals averaged about £18 for a main course they ordered the steak £34+extra for sauce). The first time it was just split and nothing was said. The second time it happened when I got home I questioned it (if I had only paid for what I had eaten and drank my bill would have been about £40 but with all her extras split my bill was closer to £60. Normally it would be about £25/30 if we had set menus.
So this time I suggested if we go for al a carte then we should all just pay for what we eat and get a separate drinks bill (we can evenly split that) but with food it makes more sense. Now I’m questioning whether I’m in the wrong as the group chat I’m getting mixed responses, some are in agreement others think just splitting like we always do is fairer.

With her suggestions we are all having to spend more cash anyway but I think it’s unfair that we’re having to subsidise for her to eat. I also know some of the group money is tight, luckily I’m ok so don’t need to worry too much about spending. But I wasn’t always this lucky, I have been in the position of having to count every penny and made decisions about what to eat/order or even if I can go out on how much I can afford. The difference in costs for set menu to al a carte never mind subsidising someone else can be the choice of someone eating or not for a week.
I do understand that if moneys tight they shouldn’t come out or be that short they can’t eat but when the bill is normally £25-30 this could be doable to go to £40 but when it goes up to £60 then it might not be. So someone tight on money could order cheapest thing on the menu, still come out and afford to live without having to dip into money for other things or use credit cards etc but the people with extra money to spare could then order what they like.

what have others done in this situation? AIBU to suggest it?

I’d reply, “How is it fairer? We can budget accordingly for a set menu but either a la carte, we order what is in our budget after seeing the menu. For someone to order a meal costing twice as much and then expect us to pay part of theirs isn’t fair. My meal came to £40 but I paid £60. Set menus are great to avoid this, but if we’re not doing set menus then I will be getting my own bill. You are welcome to do the same or continue to split. That’s fairer.”

Sometimes you just need to be blunt.

When you arrive, or phone ahead, and quietly tell waiter or front of house that you want to pay your own food bill & please will they set up a tab in your name.
Would that work?
It does for me.

You are not at fault here, OP. Your suggestion is perfectly reasonable, and with mobile Apps and money transfers etc., there really is no need these days to 'split the bill'.

'Splitting the bill' presumes that people understand basic manners and mutual respect, which clearly the "£34" person does not. She sounds like a CF to be honest. She's certainly not your friend.

I’m hard up and I’d be fuming and quite hurt by this. As it has happened twice now I’d be making excuses not to go in future. Why do people have to be grabby and ruin a good thing? Good on you op for questioning it.

I'm sorry but id be being very direct when she stated she wanted to split. Exactly what youve said here.

Last time Sharon, you ordered the steak £34+extra for sauce). if I had only paid for what I had eaten and drank my bill would have been about £40 but with all her extras split my bill was closer to £60. I cannot afford to subsidise your food Sharon, I'll pay for what I order. Anyone else wanting to subsidise you is free to do so.

Or we can go back to Al la carte menus where we all chip in £25.

Cheeky Fucker. Attack her head on

She's taking the piss and the others are weak. Pay separately for what you have and if they have a problem with it, stop going out with them.

Splitting the bill is only fair where you all spend much the same, as with a set menu.

I would say "OK I can see there are different opinions. I need to budget so will ask for a separate bill, you all do as you please"

I think of you strike out and do a separate bill, then other will follow.

We go out at work and the waitress just wakes what we had and we tap our cards, paying our own way.

I'd just put on the chat 'shall we stick to the set menus? It cost over twice as much last time! Laugh emoji' because in my group we can say things like that, and everyone would have thought the person ordering the expensive food was cheeky.

Paying for what you choose to eat and drink is fairer, for everyone. Apart from those who value their greed over your friendship.

No need for the op to be quite so combative with a good friend that they have known a long time !

I’d send similar message but privately to the steak lady and let her know politely that you can’t afford to split but will be paying your own tab

I don’t assume my friends are mooching CF’s
some people just have more disposable income and just don’t think

If it's not the same set price for everyone, then each pays their own share. She is being a CF.

If I ate a £34 meal when others had a £20 meal I'd say 'mine was £14 more than yours, so take £14 off the bill then split the rest.' Then I'd pay my share plus £14.

If the person isn't doing this one of YOU need to say it - 'Yours was £14 more so let's deduct that and split and you pay the extra £14.'

Just bloody say it. No one else is going to object to that and she can hardly object without looking like a knob. It's not difficult. Use your words.

No need to be passive aggressive or even aggressive - just factual.

I'd say this too.

Exactly what @toomuchfaffsaid.
I've had this too many time but with alcohol when eating out with my wider family.
I'm not a big drinker so I usually end up as designated driver.
The bill is split evenly and I end up paying for alcohol that I haven't had.
Final straw was when there was a mistake on the bill and we got a refund, £10 notes were dished out at the table, I didn't get a £10 refund, I can afford it apparently

I am confused how ‘Sharon’s’ Steak and sauce added £20 to everyone’s bill. How many people are in this group OP?

Perfect way to deal with it.

Problem is it’s not just £14. It’s £14 plus tax and service so if you just added 14 you’d be underpaying nearly £5.
the problem when people just pay their own is they usually mentally add up what the menu prices were and fail to add on the tax and extra service charge. So everyone pays what they think they should and there is a shortfall

They they can afford to get a taxi.

Could each of you in rotation use their card to pay for the lot and everyone pays her for what they had + service charge and tip. Using Revolut or other instant payment thing.

On the one hand, I’d just split the bill and not really notice.

On the other, I’d not choose an expensive item on the menu if no-one else was. That’s quite rude.

I'd either suggest you each pay for your own or the set menu thing going forward. Nothing wrong with that at all.

My only gripe was out with work colleagues. 1 woman, would sit there with a calculator, working out everyone's exact amount to the penny!

Also, where say my meal was £18.30 and I put a £20 note in to cover the tip. 1 CF would wait till everyone else had done similar- then declare that they only needed to put say £10 in, because there was all the bill was short. I even saw them return to the table to take the tip!

You’d be underpaying by just over 50p if like most places they automatically added on a 12.5% service fee.
not a big shirt payment but if everyone calculates poorly there is a problem at the end

We don’t need to add tax in the UK. It’s already included.

Without set menus, I would insist on splitting too.

It goes both ways, I don't want to subsidise someone but I don't want to give up on my steak if I fancy a steak and I would resent eating something I don't want just because I feel pressured to chose a cheaper dish.

That's why I always ask to split!