Eating out etiquette

[sparkles02]

There’s a group of us that go out maybe once or twice a month for meals sometimes with a few drinks thrown in etc.

Its an all female group and we usually head somewhere that has a set menu (pre theatre/lunch) kind of idea. All taking turns on deciding the place we would eat.

Until recently this worked well, we would split the bill evenly. We’ve all had days where we’ve been on water or soft drinks so it worked itself out.

The last few times though when one of the party suggests the restaurant it hasn’t been where there are set menus which is ok but then this person has then ordered expensive dishes and expects the rest of us to split the bill rather than offering to pay extra as they have had a more expensive dish (for context meals averaged about £18 for a main course they ordered the steak £34+extra for sauce). The first time it was just split and nothing was said. The second time it happened when I got home I questioned it (if I had only paid for what I had eaten and drank my bill would have been about £40 but with all her extras split my bill was closer to £60. Normally it would be about £25/30 if we had set menus.
So this time I suggested if we go for al a carte then we should all just pay for what we eat and get a separate drinks bill (we can evenly split that) but with food it makes more sense. Now I’m questioning whether I’m in the wrong as the group chat I’m getting mixed responses, some are in agreement others think just splitting like we always do is fairer.

With her suggestions we are all having to spend more cash anyway but I think it’s unfair that we’re having to subsidise for her to eat. I also know some of the group money is tight, luckily I’m ok so don’t need to worry too much about spending. But I wasn’t always this lucky, I have been in the position of having to count every penny and made decisions about what to eat/order or even if I can go out on how much I can afford. The difference in costs for set menu to al a carte never mind subsidising someone else can be the choice of someone eating or not for a week.
I do understand that if moneys tight they shouldn’t come out or be that short they can’t eat but when the bill is normally £25-30 this could be doable to go to £40 but when it goes up to £60 then it might not be. So someone tight on money could order cheapest thing on the menu, still come out and afford to live without having to dip into money for other things or use credit cards etc but the people with extra money to spare could then order what they like.

what have others done in this situation? AIBU to suggest it?

How can anyone think splitting evenly is fairer? I can see how it can be perfectly fair when everyone orders about the same and it all evens out over multiple meals etc, but it’s never going to be fairer than just paying for what you order.

I was providing a rough example! I would always add enough to cover my meal, PLUS enough to contribute to the 12.5% service charge. I wasn't suggesting I'd underpay and be a CF too! 🙄

You mean the opposite I take it? You chose not to split.

It’s the same person/people doing this each time?

Agree with blunt. I would probably go more along the lines of “I’m just not prepared to pay an extra £15 a time to subsidise Jane’s steak.”

Thanks everyone this makes me feel slightly better. Like others have said if it was me I would offer to pay the extra £14 and split the rest if I fancied something much more expensive.

it’s the same person that chooses a la carte everytime, but its only just been recently. I think there was such a difference in price because I only had 2 soft drinks but there was bottles of wine too. I don’t mind the alcohol thing as this evens itself out overtime.

I can afford the extra cash but I know others in the group possibly can’t.

I think I’m just going to speak out and say we should just stick to set menus from now on and if we do a la carte we each pay for what we eat and then spilt the rest. Tips we normally leave cash anyway and normally about 10-15% of the total bill.

i just dont want confrontation or upset in the group but I do think it’s unfair when there’s such a huge difference at the end.

I dont understand how one persons extra food added £20 PER HEAD to the bill. Might you have blown it out of proportion

I read the thread title and had totally prepared myself for this to be about a different sort of etiquette entirely. 😳

Tax? Are you in the USA? In the UK the tax is included in the menu price. And tipping is optional

As stated below there was wine and alcohol too and I only had 2 soft drinks. I didn’t mind this and don’t mind this as we all have days we don’t drink and it does even it out over time. I’m pretty sure there was some starters and deserts and I only had a main course.

Its not even just the £14 difference though it’s also the added extras that she had (steak sauce and a side salad and starter) so likely her food bill would be more than the £14. I do also know that the difference was likely only a few ££££ there were 4 of us but it’s more the principle I think that she didn’t offer when ordering the steak. I don’t even think starters / deserts etc are that big a deal but then again maybe they are. As I only had one course.

Is she on a decent salary/good standard of living? That would make her even more of CF.

yes, sorry, my post was making no sense at all was it..i was trying to say the opposite of "share", didn't work.

I prefer to pay for what I order is what I was trying to say...

The person suggesting the more expensive restaurants and then ordering expensive dishes knows what they are doing. They are being an absolute CF. I think you should suggest only going somewhere there is a set menu.

I'm always mindful if think I've had more and will pay extra.

I think I’d add up what I’ve ordered, put that on my card and leave the others to sort out the remaining bill. It doesn’t have to be a thing and is easier to do if you haven’t had any alcohol so maybe the first time mention to everyone you’re sticking with sparkling water today.

Agree steak with the extras almost never included does really add up

I like having steak when I’m out, depending who I was with I’d put extra £20 in or split on what we’ve eaten. Same for wine

if it's just one person always ordering off set menu as other PP have said tell the restaurant they want their own bill when you arrive

Both her and her husband work, they live in a modest home and have 2 kids.
So yeah they have a good standard of living, salaries probably match how they live although it’s difficult to know for sure.
They do have a family holiday every year and the odd weekend break.

I do know she doesn’t get out much though, she has mentioned in the past our catch ups are the only time she gets out. Never seems to get date nights and has turned down other get togethers.

Perhaps then she's just one of those who is socially unaware then. That's not your problem and I think your course of action is the best one. I couldn't imagine being that solid, where she gives no thought to the unfairness of what she's doing.

I think as soon as someone says they aren't comfortable splitting, they would rather pay for their own that is them sending a message of what they are comfortable with financially and you have respect that. I think it's a bit crass that some are suggesting it's more fair to just split. You can't get any fairer than people just paying for what they consume.

You don't even have to suggest to them about paying for your own or ask permission, just tell them that's what you are doing. I don't think they will think it's as fair when they are the ones subsidising a greater portion of someone else's bill.

Tax?

I have several groups of friends I eat out with. Usually, if we have similar priced items or the same number of courses or extra drinks etc, we just divide the bill equally, regardless of exact costs. But if one person has had an extra drink or course, or something notably more expensive, we deduct their extra costs first, then split the rest equally.

It feels more friendly and fair than insisting on sticking to a set menu or nitpicking to the last penny. But we are also considerate about not making each other pay more if one of us has spent significantly more than the rest.

Your friend is being unfair and greedy basically. It would raise my hackles if someone did this, though I'm not on a tight budget myself. I just don't like to be taken advantage of.

If a group meal, to avoid any messing at the table, I always pay the bill including the tip in full on my credit card and then take the itemised bill home. Next day I tot up what each person had individually (food and drinks) including an allowance for the tip and send a what’s app group message listing who owes me what and my account details. Plus I send a photo of the bill.

This is the only fair way as depending on which group of friends I’m with, one doesn’t drink, one or 2 might be driving, I might fancy a steak and sides and 2 large wines and I’d never expect my friends to subsidise my choices. We are all professional working women but some have much more disposable cash than others. This is the fairest way and a way we have used successfully for many years.

Good plan.

Yep, totally avoids any awkwardness within the group. We are a very mixed group, some working mothers, some very wealthy. I’d hate for an evening to be overshadowed by someone worried about the bill being split when they’ve only had a lower cost main and a soda water and lime. Plus I get the points on my credit card so everyone’s a winner.

I wouldn’t try and set a rule, and I wouldn’t shame the lady with expensive tastes. Both will make things awkward. I would just say ‘if it’s okay with everyone, I’d like to pay separately tonight’ and leave it there.

As other people have said you just need to be blunt. Polite but fair, if the others are happy to pay the extra for the greedy one they are pushovers