Eating out etiquette

[sparkles02]

There’s a group of us that go out maybe once or twice a month for meals sometimes with a few drinks thrown in etc.

Its an all female group and we usually head somewhere that has a set menu (pre theatre/lunch) kind of idea. All taking turns on deciding the place we would eat.

Until recently this worked well, we would split the bill evenly. We’ve all had days where we’ve been on water or soft drinks so it worked itself out.

The last few times though when one of the party suggests the restaurant it hasn’t been where there are set menus which is ok but then this person has then ordered expensive dishes and expects the rest of us to split the bill rather than offering to pay extra as they have had a more expensive dish (for context meals averaged about £18 for a main course they ordered the steak £34+extra for sauce). The first time it was just split and nothing was said. The second time it happened when I got home I questioned it (if I had only paid for what I had eaten and drank my bill would have been about £40 but with all her extras split my bill was closer to £60. Normally it would be about £25/30 if we had set menus.
So this time I suggested if we go for al a carte then we should all just pay for what we eat and get a separate drinks bill (we can evenly split that) but with food it makes more sense. Now I’m questioning whether I’m in the wrong as the group chat I’m getting mixed responses, some are in agreement others think just splitting like we always do is fairer.

With her suggestions we are all having to spend more cash anyway but I think it’s unfair that we’re having to subsidise for her to eat. I also know some of the group money is tight, luckily I’m ok so don’t need to worry too much about spending. But I wasn’t always this lucky, I have been in the position of having to count every penny and made decisions about what to eat/order or even if I can go out on how much I can afford. The difference in costs for set menu to al a carte never mind subsidising someone else can be the choice of someone eating or not for a week.
I do understand that if moneys tight they shouldn’t come out or be that short they can’t eat but when the bill is normally £25-30 this could be doable to go to £40 but when it goes up to £60 then it might not be. So someone tight on money could order cheapest thing on the menu, still come out and afford to live without having to dip into money for other things or use credit cards etc but the people with extra money to spare could then order what they like.

what have others done in this situation? AIBU to suggest it?

Most places are set up for people paying separately now. If we are in wine bars or restaurants and a group of women we all just pay what we’ve spent and can usually pay a tip on top of our bit too. Usually the waiter can accommodate that by ticking off the bill or more usually now on a screen. Most places we have been to can accommodate that. Unless it’s a set menu and we split the bill but broadly split drinks out on top if there’s a massive disparity. I think it is also kind for people that aren’t hard up to make sure it’s fair so it doesn’t always have to be the ones that can’t afford it stating that. I’m ok these days so I will push against splitting the bill if it’s not fair (I also want to be able to spend what I want as I don’t drink and have an allergy so sometimes end up with more expensive items on the menu although alcohol free options have been more expensive the last few times I’ve been out)

Why would you pay tips ON TOP of the service charge?

I will also ask for tap water for the table when they say still, sparkling or tap. People can then order bottle individually if they prefer but I’ve been on the side of being embarrassed saying tap or not having factored in bottled water to my bill price in the past. Also helps if some people are drinking a lot and someone’s spent up on their drinks budget then they can have water to drink. I really can’t see why people would have an issue with it being fair to everyone unless they want to rip their friends off

I had a similar friend. She liked to think of her self as a foodie but actually she was just quite greedy. Liked crappy crisps as much as she liked the pricey seafood.
She knew I hadn’t got the budget for eating out so would suggest places that had half price offers …but then order an extra meal or two “to share”. Hers was the large wine at £10 a glass mine was the beer at £6.

We stopped being friends because her need to have the “best meal” topped mine - to just have a nice catch up.

@yakkity We are a group of 8 and go away once a year and meet up every 8 weeks or so and have a ongoing kitty, so this replaces that.

You create a group - say Friday night club, and add everyone who is in the club to the group. Then if you pay the whole bill for food, you tap who all was there and it splits it up, if someone pays the drinks they add what they paid and it splits, and if someone tips they put it on and it then works out who owes what. If only 5 out of 8 are out one night, you only select the 5 who were there. It stops all the I owe you £25, but you owe me £9 and I owe someone else £5. You then hit settle up and it works out who owes who what.

Hope this makes sense 😂

Some restaurants have a service charge, but others don't. When they don't, you have the option of leaving a tip, and if so, how much.

The person most financially disadvantaged should always get final vote on equal split or pay for yourself

I think it would be better to suggest only going to ser menu places and point out the reason. It isn't cool to buy a £34 main when everyone else's is £18 & profit from your mates paying for your dinner

Another vote for Splitwise. It also works well for a weekend away with friend/s. So you just add in whenever anyone spends money, it keeps tally and at the end of the trip it settles it all up for you. You just pay what you owe at the end. Saves all the faff as pp said.

When I go out with friends we just pay for our own food and drink. It’s much easier now a days as the staff can just select your items on the till.

I would say the person ordering the cheapest meal/drinks get the final vote. Not necessarily the person with the least money (who could be a jerk who wants people to subsidize his/her treat).

As long as you add extra to your individual bill for a tip.

Pointing out that you're effectively subsidising her isn't shaming. 😉

Sorry I meant disadvantaged by the split not poorest generally. I agree with you

If the person wants to tip.

Nothing is fairer than paying for what you have. The benefit of splitting the bill is that unless there a big price differences in what people tend to order or some people who never drink while others hit the wine, the differences usually even out over time and it’s less time consuming / less faff than paying for what you had. Obviously if it’s not evening out because one person is a big spender then paying for your own is more sensible unless no one minds subsidising her. It’s never unreasonable to suggest you pay for what you eat and drink.

Get your own bill.This woman has no social intelligencr to say the least..She sounds like a bit of a free loader to me.

After I posted, I realised you might have meant that.

However, I work in South East Asia at an international organization. When we do team/work dinners, it is the custom that the local staff (mainly on the admin side) don't pay because their salaries are considerably less. It is sometimes painful when there is a weird balance between local and international staff (depending on who shows up) since we (international staff) can end up splitting the costs among half or less of the diners (i.e. there are 11 us of eating and only five paying). Plus, I don't drink but alcohol is always split with the food (admittedly, there isn't usually that much). I just decide if it's worth it to me to subsidize others and go or don't.

I quoted a poster who said you have to add tax and service charge otherwise you don’t pay enough.
We do not add tax in this country.

Why are you correcting me on adding a tip? I didn’t say anything about the service charge (which is the tip already added for you and, in the UK, service charges are legally required to go into a tronc system and must be split between staff. It cannot be taken by the company so it is the tip. We pay a service charge/tip if we want. We don’t have to add tax.

I wasn't referring to your post. I was referring to the previous post. I was actually agreeing with you and was just mentioning about the service charge.

Ah, then quote the post you are replying to because it made no sense in reference to what I said.

I thought it did make sense in that I was just adding to what you had already said by mentioning a service charge, in addition to your tax comment. As you say, it might have been better if I had quoted the pp, but it seemed to make sense to me at the time. Perhaps I should have clarified it better.

I would list exactly how much more CF adds to the bill and suggest everyone pays for their own food and adds their own tip that is what Germans do and it is fine.

Then watch the cf go on a diet of starters and tap water...

Next time order the tomahawk steak or lobster etc, most expensive dessert and wash it down with lots of cocktails.... then watch her squirm.
She's a CF- plsy her at her own game.

I only ever order steak when out with my family and we are paying.

it’s rude to order on a group outing. - the bare minimum is to pay the extra

You aren't unreasonable. If people can't be fair and chip in extra when choosing expensive food then paying for your own food is the only fair way to do it. Otherwise those on a budget won't be able to attend because they can't manage how much it will cost.