Eating out etiquette

[sparkles02]

There’s a group of us that go out maybe once or twice a month for meals sometimes with a few drinks thrown in etc.

Its an all female group and we usually head somewhere that has a set menu (pre theatre/lunch) kind of idea. All taking turns on deciding the place we would eat.

Until recently this worked well, we would split the bill evenly. We’ve all had days where we’ve been on water or soft drinks so it worked itself out.

The last few times though when one of the party suggests the restaurant it hasn’t been where there are set menus which is ok but then this person has then ordered expensive dishes and expects the rest of us to split the bill rather than offering to pay extra as they have had a more expensive dish (for context meals averaged about £18 for a main course they ordered the steak £34+extra for sauce). The first time it was just split and nothing was said. The second time it happened when I got home I questioned it (if I had only paid for what I had eaten and drank my bill would have been about £40 but with all her extras split my bill was closer to £60. Normally it would be about £25/30 if we had set menus.
So this time I suggested if we go for al a carte then we should all just pay for what we eat and get a separate drinks bill (we can evenly split that) but with food it makes more sense. Now I’m questioning whether I’m in the wrong as the group chat I’m getting mixed responses, some are in agreement others think just splitting like we always do is fairer.

With her suggestions we are all having to spend more cash anyway but I think it’s unfair that we’re having to subsidise for her to eat. I also know some of the group money is tight, luckily I’m ok so don’t need to worry too much about spending. But I wasn’t always this lucky, I have been in the position of having to count every penny and made decisions about what to eat/order or even if I can go out on how much I can afford. The difference in costs for set menu to al a carte never mind subsidising someone else can be the choice of someone eating or not for a week.
I do understand that if moneys tight they shouldn’t come out or be that short they can’t eat but when the bill is normally £25-30 this could be doable to go to £40 but when it goes up to £60 then it might not be. So someone tight on money could order cheapest thing on the menu, still come out and afford to live without having to dip into money for other things or use credit cards etc but the people with extra money to spare could then order what they like.

what have others done in this situation? AIBU to suggest it?

We use the Splitwise app, would it help in this situation?

https://apps.apple.com/gb/app/splitwise/id458023433

I don't agree, but that makes the world go round.

Making it public will also empower the others in the group who are thinking the same but may be too scared to say it for some reason.

Nothing is gained by keeping things hidden and DM's when cheeky fuckery is on display. And if she isnt realising she is being Cheeky, and she just "didnt realise" she has far more disposable income ergo others are skint, then not only is she is tone deaf but even more likely that others in the group may need the empowerment support.

Possibly she turns down other get-togethers because they're not situations where she could get herself subsidised!

Thanks all so I have sent a message today to the group. I also heard from one of the other girls privately (single mum) thanking me for bringing it up as she can’t afford to come along this weekend because she’s unsure how she would pay.

Ive just suggested that we stick to what we’re used to and that’s set menus. I explained that otherwise I wouldn’t be coming along as I needed to budget and with a la carte I couldn’t do that, unless they were happy for me to just pay for myself (bar tab excluded). I also said I would be happy to pay on my credit card if they then sent the money later once costs had been divided up. Thankfully a couple of the others girls actually agreed so looks like we’re back to set menus for now.

the girl that initially was suggesting a la carte did push back slightly by saying but it’s giving us a chance to try different places. I agreed but I also pointed out that by doing this people can’t budget and unless she was happy to pay the whole thing and get cash back from everyone for what they ate then it’s fairer to stick to set menus. She did say she couldn’t do that as her husband would question the costs (fair enough) so has reluctantly agreed to the set menus.

Well done, OP!

I have to say, though, I don't quite get why you can't go to different places and do à la carte; surely people would just order things they could afford? And you would obviously still keep the drinks bill separate.

Also not quite sure why her husband would question the cost; she would pay back the credit card once everyone had paid her, no?

happy to pay on my credit card if they then sent the money later

Avoid doing this! This is another can of worms. Everyone pays on the night, or else someone will not pay, or forget... and someone is out of pocket.

Nothing can be more fair than paying for what you eat and drink yourself. You’re right to mention it, you’ll only get more resentful if it continues

The thing to do is when everyone is sat down, tell everyone that you're really hungry and will order a lot so insist on paying for yourself as its not fair for others to subsidise you. Tell the waiter as well.
Then just order what you want.

The danger is that next time people start ordering more expensive items too to make their share fairer.

She should have said I’ll chip in an extra whatever before the bill is split. In a group situation I pay in what I’ve eaten / drank with 10% for tip and let them share rest if that suits but I don’t drink alcohol so that’s main factor.

I’ve had to be blunt in a group about this before.
some people don’t realise the disparity in incomes and budgets.

Depends entirely on the group.

We always just split the bill as the faff of paying for what we had is not worth it and we meet often enough for it to more or less even out. Also everyone is financially comfortable enough to let $10 here or there slide.

If you’re on a tight budget and/or you don’t meet often, then maybe say something, yes.

I don’t understand it either I would be happy to pay for what I eat and that way everyone orders what they can afford. It’s the one person that seems to order more expensive items that pushed back by doing this. To me she wants the expensive food but not willing to pay for it and wants others to subsidise it. This was why I suggested she just pay the whole thing and we pay what we owe to her. No idea why her husband would question things. We’re good friends but I don’t know the ins and outs of the relationship or finances etc.

This is what we’ve always done in the last but with set menus.

We are a mixed group, 3 with kids and a husband , a single mum and one child free and living with a partner. Incomes all very different and finances too.

I would never presume that any of them have spare cash or no cash. I don’t know their finances or incomes etc. I could probably work out incomes to a degree with digging but again I have no need to know.

Yeah, she definitely wants to just be subsidised! I would say firmly that you would all like to try new places too and are all happy to do so and go with the à la carte when these places don't have set menus, but you will all pay for what you eat.

Back when I was skint I would’ve been a secretly fuming, but as I was trying to keep up appearances I wouldn’t have said anything. Nowadays (when I actually have money) I don’t feel like I need to prove anything so would speak up.

I think you’ll have some people in the group that are silently cheering you on and hope you win this argument on their behalf, some who agree with you, and the ones that don’t are the ones that are doing better out of the arrangement.

I would just reply back and say “ok, I get that you are happy splitting the bill, but as it was so much more expensive last time I am just going to ask for my own bills in future as I feel more comfortable knowing what I am going to spend. It shouldn’t impact on the rest of you”

It’s been agreed now and everyone is happy to come (even the single mum) so I’m assuming she does have a budget she needs to stick to.

I do feel much better now though knowing I’m not being unreasonable by suggesting this. And that it’s not that big of a deal to split the bill with what people have chosen to eat.

None of us are bothered about the drinks as this always evens itself out as sometimes people don’t drink and then the next time they do.

When I go out with family I always pay for myself/kids/husband, each branch I guess would pay for themselves and just get separate bills or sort it ourselves. It’s so easy now with card machines etc

I think this is why I’m so annoyed. There have been times in my life where I’ve had to pay more than I budgeted for and then been left short for the rest of the month/week whatever. Not with this group but with other and when I was dating etc. I didn’t speak up then but struggled on. Now I don’t need to struggle and money isn’t a huge deal but it’s more the principle I think and entitlement that comes with it.

as a group we’ve been friends a very long time and all had times where money has been tight (known them since we were teens now in our 30s)

I think in future if we do a la carte I’ll just say to the waiter or at the table as the bill comes out that I’ll just pay for what I had to eat on my card and you guys can do what you want with the rest.

for now though everything seems to be on

This!

When we go out as a group we all pay what we have ordered, don't split the bill.
Some restaurants will agree separate bills which is of course easier, l wouldn't subsidise some cf.

Can you summarise how this works for groups eating out? It sounds really useful!

Sorry not tax. I meant tips. Service charge and any extra tips

Nothing wrong with ordering a la carte etc as long as you pay your share and don't expect other people to subsidive you.

But do you add the service charge also? So often I’ve been in situations where people add what they ordered but don’t add the automatic service charge and then bugger off and other people end up paying more

She's a CF and not considerate.

"I do understand that if moneys tight they shouldn’t come out or be that short they can’t eat"
I disagree- if you're good friends you'll all be mindful of each others budget so far as you are aware. My friends insisted on always going for extravagant meals at the most 'in' places in town and for a while I did my best to keep up. (I'm nowhere near in as well paid a job as they are plus I'm a single mother and they all had equally well paid partners). It just got to be too much so I had to start to refuse which they felt insulted by and stopped inviting me. Needless to say I am no longer friends with most of them.

If you value your friendships you'll make allowances to have the people you want there, and do something fancy separately.

I do, I always tip and have never had a service charge reward. I also totally respect people’s decision not to pay service charge or tip.