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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

9 year olds out on their own

140 replies

Ineedtorunaway · 09/06/2025 13:44

Hi, Just want some other peoples thoughts on this. My DD went to a friends house on Friday for a playdate. I was told the dad was going to take them to the park. When DD got home I asked if they went out and she said yes, total of 3 girls and 2 boys from their class went to the local park with no parents. It isn't far from the persons house, about 3 streets away and only side roads to cross.

I'm not sure if I'm more up set that they were allowed to go along or the fact I was told the dad would be taking them and then went alone.

My DD hasn't had any experience of going out like that before and I know she will have to at some point but surely that should be my decision to make?

OP posts:
ridingfreely · 09/06/2025 13:46

similar experience here recently except DD is 7 - I wasnt happy at all. Either way and whatever age if still in primary I think the parents should have checked if you were okay with this beforehand.

for me by age 9 I do hope under those circumstances that DD and a group of friends may be able to do as you described

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/06/2025 13:46

Who told you the dad would take them?

SkintSingleMumm · 09/06/2025 13:48

Its on the cusp. Is it a village/city? Im still twitchy about my 11 year old being out in the village on his own. Idk are the other kids more streetwise?

NeedthatFridayfeeling · 09/06/2025 13:48

Yes your decision, i would be angry that another parent made that call for you especially after being told an adult would take them.
My 8yr (nearly 9) old has only just gone to the park with a friend and no adult for the first time and that's only across 2 small roads (village)

drspouse · 09/06/2025 13:50

My year 6 was walking home on her own from school at 9. The only part YANBU about is that you weren't told.

AmelieSummer25 · 09/06/2025 13:50

I wouldn't be happy I was told the Dad was taking them, then didn't go, BUT I do think 9 is old enough to go to the park with a few friends & no adults.

definitely talk to DD about what to do in various situations. Would she have been able to find her way back to her friends house alone if she'd been left behind? Does she have a phone? What would she/they have done if someone had got hurt? If older kids were intimidating them? Etc etc

Original poster
Ineedtorunaway · 09/06/2025 13:50

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/06/2025 13:46

Who told you the dad would take them?

The mum told me he would be taking them

OP posts:
drspouse · 09/06/2025 13:52

Then you did know.
YABVU.

Original poster
Ineedtorunaway · 09/06/2025 13:52

SkintSingleMumm · 09/06/2025 13:48

Its on the cusp. Is it a village/city? Im still twitchy about my 11 year old being out in the village on his own. Idk are the other kids more streetwise?

It is a "new" estate. Lots of houses built up with a small park in the middle. As far as I'm aware, the other 2 girls haven't been out on their own before. Not sure about the boys

OP posts:
Original poster
Ineedtorunaway · 09/06/2025 13:54

drspouse · 09/06/2025 13:52

Then you did know.
YABVU.

How did I know? I thought a parent would be with the children, not on their own

OP posts:
Original poster
Ineedtorunaway · 09/06/2025 13:56

AmelieSummer25 · 09/06/2025 13:50

I wouldn't be happy I was told the Dad was taking them, then didn't go, BUT I do think 9 is old enough to go to the park with a few friends & no adults.

definitely talk to DD about what to do in various situations. Would she have been able to find her way back to her friends house alone if she'd been left behind? Does she have a phone? What would she/they have done if someone had got hurt? If older kids were intimidating them? Etc etc

Thank you, She hasn't got a phone and not very good with directions. I will have a chat with my DD about different situations.

OP posts:
itsnotabouthepasta · 09/06/2025 13:56

honestly I'm struggling to start working out how much independence my just-turned 10yr old can have. I know from September she can start walking herself to school, but right now i'm in that weird space where I'm not sure what she could/should be doing! its an utter minefield isnt it?

IPreacts · 09/06/2025 13:57

Five children go to a local park a short distance away with only safe side roads to cross and this is a cause for concern?

I weep at the world we have created where children get so little independence with the associated loss of building social skills, problem solving skills, confidence building skills and risk assessment skills. I have a friend who is a child psychologist and her colleagues say teenagers nowadays are several years developmentally behind where teenagers the same age were in previous generations. And its because of over-protection like this.

The best advice I ever had was the manager at my son's nursery who told me that ' Kids are capable of more than we think'. And they are. We just don't let them show it anymore. Or even discover their own capability. Most schools and nurseries teach parents to believe in children's lack of capability( in anything that cannot be tested in a written paper set by the Government for league table purposes anyway).

This is a non-issue OP. This was utterly normal in my (British) childhood and pretty much every childhood throughout history. it is still normal in many European countries, and other countries in the world. We went much further afield without adults as children OP.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/06/2025 13:58

Then it sounds like a miscommunication. At this point what’s done is done. I’m assuming all came out ok in the end.

You can ask the mum what happened but I’m not sure what you’d gain from that. The only other thing is not allow your DD to go over to this friend’s house again.

SkintSingleMumm · 09/06/2025 13:59

Its horrible letting them out the first few times on their own for fear of situations they could get into. I do think in this situation of a small park on a new build estate, it is ok imo as there were a lot of other children with them. Maybe talk to your child about stranger danger etc

DonnaBanana · 09/06/2025 13:59

The true question isn’t are you okay with this, but do you think other people would be okay with this. Because having 9 year olds be out all day with each other was extremely commonplace as recently as the 80s. And it ain’t all about “we have more cars now” or that people are more likely to be kidnapped (they aren’t). It’s all about people not wanting to look like “bad parents” because of other people’s judgments.

OverpricedCupcake · 09/06/2025 14:02

That honestly sounds fine to me, but yes, you should have been told.

Original poster
Ineedtorunaway · 09/06/2025 14:02

IPreacts · 09/06/2025 13:57

Five children go to a local park a short distance away with only safe side roads to cross and this is a cause for concern?

I weep at the world we have created where children get so little independence with the associated loss of building social skills, problem solving skills, confidence building skills and risk assessment skills. I have a friend who is a child psychologist and her colleagues say teenagers nowadays are several years developmentally behind where teenagers the same age were in previous generations. And its because of over-protection like this.

The best advice I ever had was the manager at my son's nursery who told me that ' Kids are capable of more than we think'. And they are. We just don't let them show it anymore. Or even discover their own capability. Most schools and nurseries teach parents to believe in children's lack of capability( in anything that cannot be tested in a written paper set by the Government for league table purposes anyway).

This is a non-issue OP. This was utterly normal in my (British) childhood and pretty much every childhood throughout history. it is still normal in many European countries, and other countries in the world. We went much further afield without adults as children OP.

Edited

I was always out playing aged 9 and probably younger. Back in my childhood, yes this was normal. I feel like we live in a different world now. Not so much of a community anymore, with everyone looking out for each other.
Also, I will allow my children to have independence but shouldn't I have been given the choice and been told they were going alone?

OP posts:
legoplaybook · 09/06/2025 14:02

It sounds like going to the park was fine BUT the dad should have told you first.
Even when my 11 year old has friends round I check with the parent if they're ok about them going out alone.

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 09/06/2025 14:03

Not unreasonable at this age it’s your decision if she can go, however I know my husband wouldn’t have thought to check.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 09/06/2025 14:03

I posted too soon…

This was probably a really good way for your DD to experience a bit of independence. 5 of them together, short distance away, safe area sounds ideal really. It sounds like it wasn’t ideal for you, but honestly it was probably also good for you too long run. You now know your DD is capable of a little more independence.

Original poster
Ineedtorunaway · 09/06/2025 14:04

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 09/06/2025 14:03

Not unreasonable at this age it’s your decision if she can go, however I know my husband wouldn’t have thought to check.

This is a really good point. Might have not been planned and he just didn't think to check. Thank you

OP posts:
853ax · 09/06/2025 14:08

Is the park a green in the estate?
Maybe the other children they with live in houses along the way. Know where I live if children go to the green in the estate it not really like going off in their own as parents can usually keep eye on them easily enough by wandering out of house or looking out a window. Children are used to going to the green without parents with them so may not have told the parents they going over.

Or did they go out on public main roads where they needed to cross traffic, pass shops, bus stops ... Into a public park

Think this makes a difference.

greencartbluecart · 09/06/2025 14:14

9 is quite old enough to have sone independence - they shouldn’t need supervision to go to a nearby park

BeMellowAquaSquid · 09/06/2025 14:22

It doesn’t get any easier and mine are almost 19, 15 and 14. 9 is young but safety in numbers and so long as mine all had the life 360 app on and their location settings on I probably would have been ok with a very local safe park so long as there were no roads involved. My girls are fairly aware and safety conscious but at 9 maybe still a bit naive. It only takes one of them to have an accident and things can escalate quickly. I guess I’d probably in this instance speak to the parent and check out the route they took and if I was comfortable go from there.