9 year olds out on their own

[Ineedtorunaway]

Hi, Just want some other peoples thoughts on this. My DD went to a friends house on Friday for a playdate. I was told the dad was going to take them to the park. When DD got home I asked if they went out and she said yes, total of 3 girls and 2 boys from their class went to the local park with no parents. It isn't far from the persons house, about 3 streets away and only side roads to cross.

I'm not sure if I'm more up set that they were allowed to go along or the fact I was told the dad would be taking them and then went alone.

My DD hasn't had any experience of going out like that before and I know she will have to at some point but surely that should be my decision to make?

There were five children who were looking out for each other. You describe it as a new estate, which probably means it has quite a lot of families, as family housing was built. Most parents, most people, would help a child in trouble, if trouble did arise.

Do you genuinely think what the children did was dangerous? If not, why do you think you needed to be asked? Would you have said No if you were asked? If not, then why are you bothered by this? I am saying this to get you to challenge your thinking around this.

Your kid got some independence with her mates. You know she is able to deal with this. All this is a good thing. Only good things have happened here.

Yes you didn't get to steer the boat on this new phase of independence - but does that matter much? Were you planning to do that? Isn't it good it happened if you weren't? Isn't it good it happened if you were?

9 seems very young to me, wouldn’t love it in they came across eg a roaming dog, or tough kids, and traffic wise it’s have to be a very quiet area.

I think at 9 they should have checked if it was ok. I'd probably stop checking with parents about this at the age of 12/secondary school. So not far off 9 but still a bit young to just assume.

I'd let them know that was actually the first time your child has gone anywhere without an adult and it might make them think twice before they make choices again for other people's children.

God it wouldn’t even cross my mind that it might not ok to let a group of 9 year olds go to a park 3 streets away. Does your 9 year old really never go anywhere alone?

In principle, this sort of thing is fine. It’s positive to give children the opportunity to have age appropriate levels of independence. However, I’d be mildly irritated to have not been checked with. Some children are not very capable of independence at 9, which a friends parent might not be able to an accurate judgement call on, if they don’t know the child well.

This happened to us years ago. Was pregnant with second child. First was 8. No sign of them. “Oh they’re out playing, it’s fine, it’s a gated community”.

Yes, because we all know weirdos don’t live in gated community (with over 200 properties)!

Was bloody furious. Said so. She didn’t go there again.

They don't really have anywhere to go locally so no, never been out on her own. She doesn't have friends close, closest is about 2 miles away

Sorry, I misread.
But YABU anyway because she's plenty old enough to go to the park on her own.

So.i have checked with the parent of one other and they weren't happy either. They weren't told and said the park is further away than we first thought.

I wouldn't think to check with other parents at 9 unless it involved crossing a busy road as I'd assume that of course they're allowed to go to the park.

But its odd because you were told that the dad was going to take them and then he didn't.

Many people would disagree.

Do people not know that by about 11 they will just hang around chatting, not really play as such. So people who think a child shouldn't be out playing by 9 should just straight up admit they don't agree a child should ever ever in their entire childhood play outside. When you say it like that do you genuinely think it's a good thing? To live your life without any moments of natural unselfconscious play? Personally I think it is extremely damaging to a child to not be allowed play like this.

You really should make such other assumptions for other people’s children. You have no idea of family circumstances.

It's the face you were told he would go and then he didn't which is the issue. My barometer here is if I leave my own child do it, and obviously I've considered and risk assessed it, I let visiting friends do it - walk in nearby woods, walk to the shop ,play outside on green unsupervised. I agree with pp we should be encouraging them more once they are comfortable and able. How did your dc feel? If OK, I'd let it go. My dc has been walking the mile to school since he was 7, with older sibling and doing it aline or cycling the last year. I'm v grateful I can let them have that independence. The most dangerous thing we can do is... put them in a car.. and most of us do that every day.

I am confident that by that age all the parents round my way would be on the same page.

It's getting to the tricky age, where children are given very different levels of freedom and it's hard to manage for parents! Either you check too much, and you are overprotective, or you don't check enough, and other people are not happy.

I will allow my children to have independence but shouldn't I have been given the choice and been told they were going alone?
It's becoming your problem to actually check. When you have groups with independent kids, most parents genuinely forget that one might be less free.

She hasn't got a phone
she's 9. Either you keep her with you at all time, or you start thinking about getting a phone and discussing going without adults.

I wholeheartedly agree @IPreacts I also work with young children and the way parents infantalise their children is truly disturbing and goes against every piece of research into child development. I see it everyday, parents gushing over really basic achievements yet preventing them from progressing, they might as well say 'hey kid, i think you are useless and stupid'. Today I saw an almost 5 yr old being carried from the car to the school, no physical reason, and it happens almost every day so it's not a managed tantrum situation.

You should be delighted OP your kid can go to the park with friends now..she has achieved something good, she handled it well showing you she is capable and it's something you should be proud of.

Do you know every family circumstance, though?

My dad would happily have snatched me off the street to distress my mum.

just a different perspective.

I think in principle I’d be ok with it but only if I’d been asked first.
My 9 year old is in year 4 and whilst they are quite sensible there are plenty of their peers I wouldn’t trust to do the same. Their maturity levels vary wildly at that age.

Why do you think that if children can't go out by themselves it means they can never play outside?

Happens a bit later here but we are in London.

Even at 11 (yr 6 not yr 7, so some of the class are still 10) I check with the parents first before allowing kids to go to the park alone. It’s all they want to do though, because it’s novel at the moment!

Absent additional needs, they are wrong, and they are not helping their children gain independence and be safe in the outside world.

I do think if you trust the parents enough to send your child over alone then you have to abdicate a reasonable amount of decision making to them.

I would consider this a reasonable decision.

Children need to start going out on their own. 9 is fine, It’s more unhealthy and damaging for them to be stuck in front of screens all the time! It’s causing an anxiety epidemic. Which is be far more to be concerned about.

That being said! It should be your decision and you should have been informed.

Miscommunication. They probably did think the change of plan was an issue; their child might have been doing that trip with friends for over a year so they assumed it would be fine. I can't see an issue with it and I'd assume a 9 year old had been taught to cross roads safely and play at the park safely.