9 year olds out on their own

[Ineedtorunaway]

Hi, Just want some other peoples thoughts on this. My DD went to a friends house on Friday for a playdate. I was told the dad was going to take them to the park. When DD got home I asked if they went out and she said yes, total of 3 girls and 2 boys from their class went to the local park with no parents. It isn't far from the persons house, about 3 streets away and only side roads to cross.

I'm not sure if I'm more up set that they were allowed to go along or the fact I was told the dad would be taking them and then went alone.

My DD hasn't had any experience of going out like that before and I know she will have to at some point but surely that should be my decision to make?

In the 90s my kids started going out with friends on our estate from 8. They built up to walking into town by 10.

In the 1970s I was roaming around from 7, ( I was very sheltered by 70s standards) started off in view of the house, on a slope with view across to a wooded slope. We built dens in there. From 9 I was biking miles from home. By 10 walking or catching the bus into town.

We didn't have a phone at home, so once we were out, that was it, parents didn't know where we were. I took picnics out on my bike rides ( famous five style) during summer holidays so was gone hours.

I guess from some responses we can see why childrens mental health is such a concern these days.

I'd be fuming OP. I took three 11 yo's shopping yesterday - they were under strict instructions to stay in the shopping centre but I gave them freedom to wander by themselves in there.

When we moved to another shopping centre a short walk away, I walked with them and was always nearby. All three had phones and all were warned to answer if I called them.

I also made sure that all parents knew and were ok with this plan beforehand.

I wouldn’t be happy. DD is 9 and I wouldn’t let her go to the park yet without an adult and not a chance I’d let other peoples children go while at our house.

But we live in a city centre and the parks can be a bit dodgy round here. If we lived in a small town similar to where I grew up the. I’d probably be ok with it.

but I’d not make that decision for another parent and I’d be cross if they didn’t check with me.

I am already debating this in my head and he's only (almost) six so it's not even an issue yet. I want him to have the freedom I did, but we don't live where I did!
I'd be bothered by this situation too, I'd really want to know it was happening at least!

Yanbu because you didnt know and had no chance to prepare your child. Most people would give a talk about strangers, what to do in an emergency etc before letting a child go out alone the first time.

why am i not surprised that it was a man supposedly in charge?

I understand why you're unhappy. Your child doesn't have the experience of going out alone and you were told they would be supervised. It doesn't matter one bit what kids in the 80s were doing or what anybody else's is allowed to do. You've every right to be annoyed.

We've got a park at the end of our street that my daughter has been going to alone (meaning with friends and without an adult, not solo) since just before she turned 5. She's just about to turn 10. I have never once assumed in those years that her friends or cousins from different areas could do the same as her and I have always checked with the parents beforehand if they were happy for theirs to be unsupervised or preferred me to go along with them. I would expect the same from them.

You're not being unreasonable at all.

It seems to be a shame that parents are so risk-adverse.

They talk about when children were 'safe' in the 1950/60's But when were the Moors murders happening?

My thoughts is that children need to be given their freedom along with the tools to keep themselves safe - don't talk to strangers, NEVER get into anyone's car, NEVER go into anyone's house before checking with your mum that its ok.

I was brought up in the country. I remember my brother aged about 14 getting completely pissed when he'd told my parents he was going fishing with some mates. They got hold of some cider & got blasted. A farmer friend brought him home in the back of his land rover, unable to walk & puking everywhere the friend said 'I think this belongs to you' with the attitude 'boys will be boys' & commented that will teach the lad a lesson. My parents made him clear up all his puke before putting him to bed.

Then my father made him eat a big fry-up and go to the farmer friend to apologise.

My brother is tee-total. I wonder why?😂

I have 3 daughters, so I have experience! I’m fairly chilled and relaxed I think.

Youngest is 9 , nearly 10, and no, I wouldn’t let her walk to the shops or the park. There is be need , plenty of time in the future for all this and it’s just not worth the worry.

i found with the older 2, that I just ‘knew’ when it was the right time, and we aren’t there yet with Dd3. There’s no rush to make them independent i dint think.

When this happened to us, I mulled it over for a while but in the end I had.to say something because I didn't want to keep avoiding playdates. It wasn't fair on my DD to miss out on playing with her friend.

I just approached it and said that honestly I'd rather my Dd didn't go out to the park alone while on a play date etc.

It was well received, no problems.

Holly wells and Jessica chapman were 10.

evidently their parents thought they were old enough, but who’d have thought the caretaker would do that. My 15 year old wouldn’t go in to her caretaker’s house. My 10 year old would.

everything is fine….until it isn’t.

What happened to those girls is a tragedy but I don’t think it’s a convincing argument for not allowing your children age-appropriate independence. You’ll probably find that statistically, they’re more likely to have something bad happen to them in their own home (through accidents) or in the car on the way somewhere.

The world can be a scary place, but it can also be wonderful and fulfilling and interesting and throw challenges out that build resilience. I imagine nearly everyone on this thread played out at 10 years old and we are all still here to tell the tale

This is how I feel. My kid still likes to hold my hand when we go for a walk - I’m not going to discourage that as I know I’ve only got a few months more till she’ll never want to do it again.

she’s an only child but I see some of her friends who are so desperate to grow up - they have their own phones, wear make up, etc. I’m happy for her to still be a kid and mess around!!!

i’m not letting her have a phone until she’s 11 and even that’s under duress so she can have one when she starts school. I want to keep that toxicity away from her as long as possible.

My point is that Jessica and holly at 10 weren’t mature enough to know that even though they knew the caretaker, it was odd to be invited in to his house. He wasn’t a stranger, so it was ok!!

my 15 year old is mature enough to know that it wouldn’t be ok to do that, but she also would have gone in when she was 10, so at some point between 10 and 15, she matured.

there is so much time for them to develop their independence slowly and steadily, it’s not a race.

its only when their maturity is ‘tested’ that we really know , if Jessica and holly hadn’t been put in to that situation, all would have been well, but sadly they were just not mature enough to correctly risk assess.

im just not prepared to take that chance with my daughters.

that’s not to say they are wrapped in wool. The 12 and 9 year old go to the shops together, I let the 9 year old shop in the mall and I follow discreetly behind.

and because none of her friends go out alone, there’s no peer pressure.

My 15 year old still holds my hand 🥰🥰🥰

Teens I know are deeply offended if parents just walk past and breathe when they are with their mates 😂

I mean it’s obviously only when we are about 400 miles from home and in the pitch dark, so she knows no one can see her (and possibly when she’s after some new clothes from Subdued!)

I agree. I don't live in the UK and find all this angst over when children can do things alone, or with friends but no parents, mind boggling. I see quite little children heading to and from school by themselves, and a few 9 year old kids in a park without parents would be totally normal.

I read posts on here where parents are treating their almost adult teens like children. It's ridiculous, and this poster is correct, it doesn't do kids any good to not be taught to be independent and to learn skills they will need to navigate adult life.

My daughter last year, so just around turning 9, wanted to stop holding my hand, wouldn't let me give her a cuddle goodbye at school, and was absolutely desperate to walk to and from school on her own and even though I was devastated with the speed of it I tried to let her go as much as I felt was safe. After a few months she started asking me to walk all the way down to the school with her again, although she likes to walk halfway home herself, and she's not big on the goodbyes at the gate but she holds my hand all the time again. I feel like I was given a real reprieve ❤

So I'm with you on balance. They're only wee for such a short time. We're all walking a fine line and trying to do our best with the children we know better than anyone else does.

Why do people keep posting as if what they done 20, 30, 40 and 50 years ago is remotely relevant?

Because the adults that were children 20, 30, 40 and 50 years ago largely grew up being much more resilient and independent than the kids that have grown up more recently…

It's not relevant though. Parents are adapting to what is in front of them now, not what was there in the 70s. More traffic, for example. Less open space for many people. Even residential streets are packed with multiple cars per household that 9 year old children often just aren't tall enough to see over and around. This stuff wasn't a factor in the 1980s.

From a safety perspective I think it’s ok for five children of that age if they are generally quite trustworthy (so you think it’s unlikely they’d leave her behind on her own for example).

But what’s not safe is for that decision making capacity to be taken away from you by another adult because they said an adult would be with the children and then they weren’t. That’s the part that is definitely not ok. It is your decision as a parent whether to let your child out without adult supervision and the mum told you an adult would be there, so an adult should have been there.

I wouldn’t trust these parents to do as they say again and so would think twice if my child wanted to go over to their house again.

I remember the Soham murders like yesterday. Never once have I thought their parents shouldn't have left them out. At ten years old, together and in their own neighbourhood, the risk was absolutely minute and I can't live mine or my children's lives fearing those thankfully, rarer than rare situations. The chance of that happening your child is one in 14 million. The chance of death in a car accident is much higher but we do it daily, multiple times a day, and just prevent risk as much as we can.

Unfortunately, we just can't protect against every possible eventuality and even if we did there are other consequences to that.

That’s absolutely appalling! It’s not the 80s or 90s anymore you know!

Literally hundreds of children locally (Ireland) are walking and cycling home on their own each day at that age. Roads a d paths are safe, two traffic lights with green man crossings for my DC and there is a huge number on the route which ups the safety. It's not appalling at all!
ETA Apologies if you were being sarcastic! 😆