9 year olds out on their own

[Ineedtorunaway]

Hi, Just want some other peoples thoughts on this. My DD went to a friends house on Friday for a playdate. I was told the dad was going to take them to the park. When DD got home I asked if they went out and she said yes, total of 3 girls and 2 boys from their class went to the local park with no parents. It isn't far from the persons house, about 3 streets away and only side roads to cross.

I'm not sure if I'm more up set that they were allowed to go along or the fact I was told the dad would be taking them and then went alone.

My DD hasn't had any experience of going out like that before and I know she will have to at some point but surely that should be my decision to make?

YANBU you were told an adult would be there and this turned out not to be the case. As a parent you should have been the one to decide whether this was appropriate.

Surely a 9 year old should be able to play out, go to nearby park, shops etc with friends without parents? If not now, then when? They need some reasonable independence. Lack of independence at this age will be of no benefit to them and may well be damaging.

Round here they generally start going to the park on their own in Year 6 so age 10/11. There are a few busy roads to cross. I guess it probably varies by area (we are in a city).

If they're 9 I'm guessing they're in Year 4? Which seems a bit young, unless it's a small park directly on the estate or something.

It's definitely something I'd expect to check with the parent at that age.

Exactly this. And we wonder why children are not resilient and get anxious. They lack problem solving skills and confidence which are developed through figuring stuff out. Parental fear like this is giving them the message that they cannot be trusted so why trust themselves?

Then when they do eventually get freedom they don’t know how to handle it.

In Switzerland they walk to school at 4.
I know there are differences but I think we as a nation need to encourage independent activities like popping to the shop along the road nearby and buying Mum a paper etc a bit earlier than 9.

It’s so sad. I was travelling the world at 18 in my gap year before uni. We also need to remove the parental culture of shame that seems to be everywhere when parents let their children play outside and explore their neighbourhood.

Those things don't prevent children getting age appropriate independence though, they just mean they can't play literally on the street like they could in decades past. They can still walk to the park, crossing at crossings (I taught mine only to cross if the oncoming cars have stopped, that crossing while they're slowing down isn't safe because there's no guarantee they'll stop in time)

My 14 year old hasn't quite reached that stage yet it seems. She asked me for a lift to D&D club once, I said I only would if I could come in and say "hello nerds" to her friends and she agreed happily, and seemed a bit disappointed when I didn't do it

Do not infantilise your child. t is terrible parenting that your 9 year old has never been out without an adult (unless you live in the Bronx or something). No wonder so many teens suffer 'anxiety'

One of my kids is 9 so I can relate, and the general rule I always go by, even though we're in a village where kids play outside by themselves from age 7-8ish, is that if kids are at my house and decide to go to the local park, I send a message to the parents letting them know. However, I know my husband did forget to do this a few times. Also, the kids all have mobile phones (old ones, just for dialing) or tracking watches. I'd tell the parents in a nice way that "next time could they please let you know because your daughter isn't used to going anywhere by herself yet". And also consider getting her a smartwatch or an old phone, because this kind of thing is going to happen more and more as she gets older.

Mine are now 21 &18 so long ago for me. I would just say better to introduce these things now ( after may half term) with the long light evenings than in the Autumn as the nights draw in. FWIW I think building independance at the end of yr 5 and thoughout yr6 is really important.

Terrible parenting? Wow!!

my 9 year old has never been out without me or her older sisters.

my 15 year old is about to fly to and from France by herself, she was brought up the same and I can assure you that she is not crippled by anxiety!!

My DS and a friend both aged 10 have been meeting at the local park to play and have a kick about since the age of 9. A lot of his other friends are not allowed to go out without a parent so it's definitely an age where both views are fairly normal. They don't have phones and tbh I think phones for young children give a false sense of security, better to teach them some life skills and problem solving techniques than just give them a phone.

So imagine they text to say ' a group of 5 are walking the park, is it ok?"

What would you reply?

This. 100%. Yes you should have known she was going but you should have facilitated this type of independent activity already.

I have an almost 9/12 year olds and the 9 year old is slowly getting more independence. He has a phone watch and walks the mile back and forth to school. But each step has been my choice and after ensuring I felt confident in him. I’d never assume another child could do what he is doing and I’d be furious if someone took that choice away from me.

You would be be ‘furious’ if someone took that choice away from you. ? Furious really?

Perhaps he just forgot and it didn’t seem necessary to him as they were in a group all together and in an area that he deemed safe.

The OPs child ‘survived’ going to the park. Amazing! There were no sexual predators hiding in the bushes on this occasion and a crowd of crazed knife wielding delinquents stayed at home that day. They were able to have a … childhood ! Free from suffocating parental helicoptering.

and in a few years time they will probably swig their first vodka in that park.😂

Although I agree with much of what you've said, you can't compare your childhood with theirs. It is a very very different world.

When dd was 9 I’d have expected to be told but I would be ok with it, considering ot was local and a few of them. That is at the young end around here so other parents would feel similar. She’s 11 now, y6 and building independence up gradually over the year. It’s great to see her confidence increasing. We talk about minor things that have happened while she’s out with friends and how to deal with them, so she’s getting used to problem solving. Some of her friends aren’t allowed out without adults, however, and a couple have said they find it hard to let go, so I can believe that kids are being held back.

Yes. I would be. I know my own child best. And am absolutely not a helicopter parent - he is the only one in his class of 60 to walk himself to school so far so I actually trend on the relaxed, independence is good side. But I still check with other parents before assuming what their kids are ready to do on their own.

My daughter was attacked in a local park by an older kid who chased her to the nearby shopping centre. Before my son is left alone in a park I’d want to walk through scenarios with him and make sure he knew what to do in various situations. But perhaps I’m just projecting as we live in the middle of a city.

DC here (small Uk town) play out on the street from around 3 years (usually expected that the older ones would shout if anything was wrong with the little ones, and there is an occasional glance from the window). DC still in nappies playing out in the street is considered fine. They usually make their way out of sight for a decent portion of the day by 4-5 and are in and out of each others houses and gardens, by 5-6 they are definitely crossing the bigger roads as they are out on their bikes and scooters. 7-8 have free rein of the area really and are up the park, in and out of the shops buying chocolate and ice pops.

Im considered very protective because I made mine play in the garden only until they were at least 5 and wouldn’t let them cross the main road until 8 but once they could do that they were able to go about with friends, go up the leisure centre for a swim, on a bike ride, walk to and from school etc. I also don’t let them go into neighbours houses unless I know them first which has offended people multiple times even though I don’t mean it that way.

I can’t easily understand a 9-10 year old who doesn’t do anything unsupervised. That’s the age where they start getting the bus to the next town to go swimming with friends, and yes that’s nerve wracking too but it goes in stages. By 10-11 they have to get themselves to school every day, often alone, often in the dark - by bus on the main A road and manage cars, rivers, livestock, any number of potential dangers.

I would start thinking about giving them a bit more freedom op.

Totally agree with this. Tracking a phone only tells you where the phone is, anyway. Anyone who had bad intentions could just grab it and chuck it in a bush.
It also teaches them that if any issue arises, they must phone mum or dad before trying to solve the problem themselves.
It also sends the message that the world is dangerous and they can’t be trusted to navigate it on their own. I get that scares some people, but the detrimental effects of not giving your kid independence are very real.
You start building this independence slowly from quite young. The first time they can go off on their own in a soft play, for example. Sometimes DS might come over and tell me another kid is doing x, y or z to him and (as long as it’s not overly serious) my response is to tell him what I would do but that I trust him to handle it himself. He needs to learn and make mistakes. We cannot intervene in every little thing that happens to them. It’s not good.

We have a culture now of too much adult supervised structured down time. This club on this day, that club on another. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against clubs but I’m glad my 7yo is confident enough to go over to the park, make friends and climb trees.

I also wonder how many parents on here who would dream of letting their 9yo play out are totally ok with them playing online for hours on Roblox or similar. IMO that’s much worse. Predators don’t need to hang out on the streets anymore, they can just go online.

Gosh- I would never assume a bunch of 9 year olds could be out in their own without checking first or knowing for sure that’s what they usually did. If anything happened to one I would never forgive myself.
Even now, in year 8 I would still check if I didn’t know the child well or the parent. Takes but a moment to check and is just courtesy to the other parent.
The fact they said another adult would be there and then wasn’t- I wouldn’t be happy at all.
All the judgement on this thread- oh I was out playing alone at 4 in 1952- yes great for you. It’s now 2025, very different. All children are different too- what one 9 year d is capable of is not the same for a different 9year old. If 4 of them decided to me mean and run off back home whilst one had their back turned that would leave 1 in a strange estate with no phone, not knowing where to go.
There are plenty of ways to foster independence but this has to be done with full consent from the parent

Nope. My child is never online. Not entirely to avoid predators, I just am not a huge fan of screens and how they affect my son (my daughter isn't bothered). So my protectiveness has many aspects!

It's obviously hugely dependent on where you live. I live in a city and a couple years ago a 10 year child was kidnapped from a local park by a group of older children in my daughter's high school. Obviously this isn't common but there are issues in the local parks. So I'm totally happy for my son to walk round to friends or walk to school or - soon - go down to the shops (my daughter started doing this sort of thing around 10/11) but not just go hang out in a park without a lot of preparation first.

It completely depends on the area you live in, my dd has been walking herself to and from school through the woods since age 7/8 (very encouraged by school) and going out to play with friends - that's all completely normal in our area. Kids as young as about 5 are streets away from home. However in the area my family live in I wouldn't let her now and she's 12.

Probably should have checked with you first if they've not had this independence before but again, if it were in our area it'd be completely normal not to go with them, especially in a group.

It didn’t sound from the original OP post that the park was either too far away or potentially risky or dangerous. It was relatively nearby and no dangerous roads to navigate.

You might have a different view at any age if it was an area where it’s well known that unsavoury characters hang out/ high incidence of knife crime/ gangs/ criminal activity.

I see young children wandering around by themselves and I always think to myself what kind of parents is ok with that. Now I see! It’s always a certain part of society too. .