FIL - Why is this funny?

[Tryingtomakesenseofit2025]

Have been lurking for a long time, looking for other opinions without embarrassing my DH by discussing his dad with friends.

My MIL was given a trip away as a birthday present and FILs response was to worry about what he would eat while she is away.

Their division of domestic labour in general makes me uncomfortable but I understand it works for them. Re. food, she always does all the cooking, he always does all the washing up (it’s not this that makes me uncomfortable btw).

He was joking but I am trying to understand what the joke is? Is it a kind joke, like I love you and I need you? Or an unkind one, like you are my servant and I resent you taking time off?

The response to joke was muted, my SIL suggested he buy ready meals.

The only way to find out is to ask but I’m not sure he’d know.

AIBU to suspect he is being unkind?

Is your MIL Shirley Valentine?

I think the joke is sort of meant to be self-deprecating 'i am useless and unable to cope on my own'. But whenever I have heard men make it, it does seem to have a nasty undercurrent of 'how dare you have a life or desires outside of looking after me'.

It’s not clear what you’re asking. Is your FIL the kind of helpless Neanderthal who is incapable of feeding himself for a few days?

The 'joke' doesn't sound particularly unkind, it just sounds he is largely thinking of himself. The 'joke' might reveal a deep seated sense of entitlement and inequality in the marriage, but there isn't really anything you can do about that tbh.

Was he hoping someone else would be doing it in her absence?

Similar situation except my FIL asked for the dates to see if they fitted in with him. He also assumed he was going with MiL on the trip.

Not sure how he fared, he didn’t starve so assume he had to do something for himself during the time she was away.

I’m asking, if someone jokingly characterises themselves in this way, is the joke on them or on their wife?

Thanks for responses. As I wrote their domestic life makes me comfortable but I worry I don’t give him the benefit of the doubt. I’d prefer not to think badly of him.

You really are reading too much into this. If he said it light heartedly, then it's up to MIL to either laugh it off or tell him, which she did, to sort himself out. You're offended on her behalf. I think she's more used to her husband's behaviour than you.

Why do you refer to it as a joke? Did someone laugh? My mum always did the cooking, my dad was terrible at it but they cleaned together, did garden, got us up for school and walked with us to school and drove us everywhere at weekends so not the same but yes if he was never made cook maybe that’s just the way their house is (I’m a shite cook by the way and love when I’m working or dh is home so he can cook!)

My ex-FIL is like this.

My ex-MIL’s best friend just became a widow, so my MIL has gone to stay with her and FIL took it upon himself to move in with his son and their family whilst his wife was away, so he could be “looked after”.

No physical or mental disabilities btw, just laziness 🙄

So glad he’s not my problem anymore.

Honestly OP, I think you're overthinking it - if she is in the habit of providing all meals, he probably is just used to that. He may be worrying a bit and made a joke but actually is feeling a bit anxious about MIL going away if he's used to them being together all the time. I would just let them sort it out between themselves, either they can get some ready meals in or MIL might cook and leave some meals in the fridge/freezer. Either way, they're both grown ups and I'm sure are capable of sorting it. Do you think he's trying to make your MIL feel bad about going away? Because if that's the case, it's up to her to stand up for herself.

Why do you need to know? It's between them really.

Usually that sort of a joke is on them or on neither really. I might say it if my husband was away on bin day. It's a tongue in cheek joke about the fact that the bins are his 'job'. Clearly I wouldn't expect him to never miss bin day. Nor would I be unable to put them out myself.

When we told my late MIL that after being married for 8 years I was pregnant with her first grandchild, her first words were How will you manage his meals when you're in hospital?!! I told her that anyone who couldn't manage to get a meal together deserved to go hungry! She was of her time.

I’d say this about my husband as he does the cooking here. More a joke on myself about being incapable and left to fend for myself which isn’t true, I’m perfectly capable of cooking for myself but he is better at it and actually enjoys it whereas I find it a drag but am happy to do our washing whereas he hates doing that. It’s just a change from the norm isn’t it, if someone goes away and the household runs differently for a few days.

I think it’s not that uncommon in older couples that the wife goes away and either prepares food for the husband or he just eats beans on toast for a week. I don’t think it’s a joke aimed at the wife, it’s more about the husband’s uselessness. I’d have some unsympathetic words to say to my own partner if he said that, but I don’t see feeding him as my “role” in the relationship

My DF said something similar when DM was hospitalised.
His DF (my Granpa) told him he should have learned to cook as he had to because of "all them babies your Mum kept having & had to stay in bed".
I burst out laughing, but neither man could see what was so funny.

Imagine being born a man of that generation must have been flipping awesome. Someone else does all the drudge work on your behalf like a live in maid. Meals appear. No need to even think what’s for dinner - there it is. All you need to do is mow the lawn occasionally. I fantasise about that life. Sadly for men women have woken up and shut that shit down. Must have been nice while it lasted (for them anyway).

I’d say it was his idea of a joke combined with a hint that he’d like someone else to do it for him.

Yup. I would say this if DH was out and dcat did the poo from hell.
'I had to clear it up all on my own. Bloody cheek of you going out and leaving it to me'
It's a joke. I can clear cat poo and dfil won't starve. It's just chitter.

This is a genuine question - are you Autistic, OP? I only ask as it sounds like you take some things very literally which is something my Autistic DC does. This would be the exact same question my DC would be asking in the same scenario.
For example, I have to be very careful not to say “I’ll bloody kill him!” when my older brother has been a pain in the arse as my DD will think I’m being deadly serious! In this scenario, I’m certainly not going to actually kill him! It means I’ll go mad at him but it’s very cathartic when you’re angry, to say something like “I’ll bloody kill him” or “I’ll kick his flipping arse!!”

Depends entirely on on his personality And past history , no way we can know. If you don’t

was he making a joke at his expense or was he trying to make her feel guilty for going away and guilt trip someone into feeding him ?

id make sure no one in the family panders to him

PIL are like this. It's odd to me as at home my dad was responsible for just much meal preparation as my mum and was just as capable, and they were a few years older than PIL too. FIL wouldn't go hungry though, he'd just go to the pub for his dinners.

I wish I had your life where I have so little to worry about, that I overthink a comment someone made to their wife, possibly in jest? Weird.

ive made this joke myself to my DH as he does all the cooking. As a family we joke that when he goes away with his mates, all my children eat is jacket potatoes with a variety of fillings (they don’t, I make a point if cooking complicated recipes which I post on the family WhatsApp as a fuck you, also a joke).

Perhaps just keep out of it, given it has absolutely nothing to do with you.