FIL - Why is this funny?

[Tryingtomakesenseofit2025]

Have been lurking for a long time, looking for other opinions without embarrassing my DH by discussing his dad with friends.

My MIL was given a trip away as a birthday present and FILs response was to worry about what he would eat while she is away.

Their division of domestic labour in general makes me uncomfortable but I understand it works for them. Re. food, she always does all the cooking, he always does all the washing up (it’s not this that makes me uncomfortable btw).

He was joking but I am trying to understand what the joke is? Is it a kind joke, like I love you and I need you? Or an unkind one, like you are my servant and I resent you taking time off?

The response to joke was muted, my SIL suggested he buy ready meals.

The only way to find out is to ask but I’m not sure he’d know.

AIBU to suspect he is being unkind?

It's a male chauvinist's idea of what's funny.
I don't know why, but some men (and to be fair on with too) seem to find the idea of grown men struggling to shop and cook for themselves amusing rather than shameful.

@rwalker "there used to be a random dog that shit on there drive she’d shout him to clean it up" 😂

I'd probably call my DH about that too. He also hasn't cooked a meal that I am aware of in about 5 years. Had both kids most of Saturday tho and no one was empty or broken when I got back

He’s joking about himself .. it’s very obvious 🤷‍♀️

Might be a bit of both, both on him and his wife. He might be worried about being without her but trying to make light of it. As you say probably not a big deal.

My sister-in-law has made it very hard for my brother to cook. He was a perfectly adequate cook before they married and then she assumed responsibility. He expressed a wish to cook more once he retired but she discouraged this. How will she know what food to buy if he takes it into his head to cook? He will also 'make a mess'. But as a great favour he and his male friend, are allowed by her and her female friend to cook very occasionally from the Jamie Oliver book where none of the recipes has more than 5 ingredients. They are considered to be capable of doing that.

Meanwhile my spouse and I - he's older than my brother - have been sharing the cooking between us for years. (I did more at one point when he was working long hours. He did more at another point when the situations were reversed.

So while I've no doubt that some men are extremely lazy, I'd say that that there are also some women - perhaps a minority - who wish to retain the kitchen as an area where they have power and control.

I'd stay right out of it OP because he might end up expecting you to feed him (not his own son of course - he has a penis).

Get ready to refuse just in case, MIL can choose to be his slave but it doesn't mean that you have to be one in her absence. If he chooses to be lazy enough to live on jam on toast or whatever then that is up to him, not your responsibility.

Is this not just something that people say?

Whenever I go away with friends my husband will say something similar. But it's just light-hearted. He often helps out with travel costs or a bit of extra cash to spend.

As long as it's not said in such a way that the intention is to guilt-trip the other person into not going, then there is nothing sinister in this type of comment. If anything, it's recognising that the person going away does do a lot for the rest of the family.

I am a bit confused as to why you haven't encountered it before.

It depends on their relationship, surely? My DH says things like this if I go away but he cooks half the meals around here and is perfectly capable. He just hates me being away, he always says he ends up wandering about the house aimlessly. What he is saying is, "I can't cope without YOU." I love that.

It depends on their age, if they are fairly elderly it's not common and if they are content with life we don't need to tell them to behave how we would chose. If they were in their 40's it would be a massive red flag.

@Tryingtomakesenseofit2025 I dont understand why their domestic life makes you uncomfortable???

How old are they?

My dad is late seventies and would definitely fret about meals if my mum, mid-seventies, went away for a few days. Their division of labour is that she cooks, he washes up, and they split the rest of the chores, gardening and DIY between them. It's how they've always done things since retirement.

Not sure what your issue is with FIL bringing up what might actually be a genuine concern for him.

My grandad nearly set the house alight when my grandma went away (something he never lived down) he wasn't really capable of looking after himself like that. He was a very talented carpenter and joiner but cooking basic meals completely stumped him - just as building a staircase would have stumped my grandma. Yet he worshipped the ground she walked on (and she did him too). By today's standards people would probably roll their eyes and think it very old fashioned but it worked perfectly for them, they had a great relationship and supported each other through an awful lot. I think tone plays a big role here and also whether he is prepared to work around it - buy microwave meals or takeaways while she is away or if he is trying to guilt her into not going? I would say it sounds like your view is being swayed based on your own view of gender roles, but if they are both happy in the relationship I'd take it as a lighthearted joke and stay well out of it.

who cares how you feel about this? it’s their lives and they have had a relationship of god knows how many decades. maybe this is their banter style?

Oh FFS I make a similar joke about me (a woman) all the time. It’s usually along the lines of “DH does all the cooking in our house if left to my own devices it’s toast”.

Or “DH does everything at home, left alone it’s fires and chaos with goats running around”

Well I say joke but it’s really the truth and gives DH the credit he deserves.

But yes as others have already said it’s really none of your business and I’m not buying the line about your DC.

😂 Well good luck OP on monitoring everything everyone says to each other from now to whenever you feel DC can make their own minds up about anything that's said. Quite the task!

And you might find that others, your MIL for instance, don't actually appreciate you 'policing' their relationships like that....

But was it said a joke? or was he genuinely musing on what he would do?

If it was a joke then it is completely self depreciating, if he was musing on what he would do then it's not a 'joke' at all.

How would you not be able to know the difference??!

You might find it's the making of him. Friends of ours (a couple in their mid 70s) lived like this too - she then went away for a week (ironically cooking for a residential course so swapping one needy man for 100 needy teenagers!) and basically said he'd have to fend for himself. We invited him round for one evening (because despite the division of labour, he's an absolute superstar, as is she, and we love him dearly). He turned up with the best Victoria sponge I have ever tasted and said actually cooking wasn't that difficult, he was just following directions from a recipe book.

What goes on in their marriage and how their household works in no one’s business. I suspect you would probably not appreciate someone judging the set up in your household.

He made an offhand remark. He could simply not be a good cook or like his own cooking. Whatever the case may be he’s a grown up and can figure it out. Your opinions are not required.

You are massively overthinking!

My DH would probably make the same joke. He does all the housework, laundry etc. he’s just a really shit cook.

If my MIL is out for the day she will leave FIL with some oven food bagged up and instructions. Also leaves sandwiches wrapped up in foil

My MIL was given a trip away as a birthday present and FILs response was to worry about what he would eat while she is away.

What if your FIL was going away and your MIL was worried about mending the car, fixing a leak or doing any other emergency DIY job that your FIL might typically do instead of her?

Would you have started this thread then?

It can be both. I mainly cook during the week and dh at weekends. But he jokes when I'm away that he will only eat takeaways and waste away - i know he is joking
Fil on the other hand uses it as a little dig to get at mil for going away. He isn't happy but know he can't say anyhting without coming across as a tool.

Exactly the type of joke my farther would make, if my mum is going away. "Well looks like im having frozen pizza for the next few nights".

It is never meant in a nasty way towards my mum, it it meant as a laugh at how crap he is at cooking.

They both split jobs and not always down traditional lines, he does all the washing and ironing etc. He has just never really cooked.

Is it really comparable?

Eating is something you have to do every single day to stay alive.

Not quite the same as fixing a leak which isn't something that needs to be done at least 3 times a day.