FIL - Why is this funny?

[Tryingtomakesenseofit2025]

Have been lurking for a long time, looking for other opinions without embarrassing my DH by discussing his dad with friends.

My MIL was given a trip away as a birthday present and FILs response was to worry about what he would eat while she is away.

Their division of domestic labour in general makes me uncomfortable but I understand it works for them. Re. food, she always does all the cooking, he always does all the washing up (it’s not this that makes me uncomfortable btw).

He was joking but I am trying to understand what the joke is? Is it a kind joke, like I love you and I need you? Or an unkind one, like you are my servant and I resent you taking time off?

The response to joke was muted, my SIL suggested he buy ready meals.

The only way to find out is to ask but I’m not sure he’d know.

AIBU to suspect he is being unkind?

Surely it’s just a joke? I tend to cook evening meal and of DH works from home he makes us lunch ( I wfh full time and tend to have toast or cereal for lunch of on my own). He went away for 3 nights in February and I asked how I would cope having cereal for lunch all week (away Monday morning - Thursday evening). We laughed and that was the end of it

OP, kindly, get over it.

For me, it would depend how old he is and whether he is generally a kind and decent person. I think many men who were my dad's generation (born in the 1930s) didn't cook but would help with the washing up. I would expect men of my generation and my adult children's generation to be able to cook and look after themselves.

If the subtext is that he thinks that it is 'woman's work', rather than a joke about him being a bit useless, I would find that very annoying.

I think no one can really tell from that one interaction.
I will sometimes joke about how I’ll cope if there’s a spider/it’s bin day/I need to reach a high shelf when DH is away. He will do the same about laundry/tending to the garden if I’m away. We’re both capable of doing all these things, we’re not annoyed at the other for going away. It’s just a tongue in cheek thing.

A friend of mine on the other hand - when she went away her ex husband wasn’t joking when he asked what he was going to eat and genuinely expected her to leave him with pre-prepared meals. It was said and done in a mean way and reflected his view of her.

Massive sweeping generalisation but men in their later years are used to being looked after. Its not acceptable for modern relationships, particularly if both parties work, but at the same time, who are we to question what's (apparently) worked for another couple for 40/50 years?

But I think this kind of comment is like when my DH goes away & I text him 'you've been gone three minutes and the house looks like a bombs gone off!'
It's a jokey appreciation for the effort he puts into keeping our home tidy, not an attempt to quash his fun or make it all about me.

I do tidy up before he gets home & in the same vein, no doubt your PIL won't starve himself for the duration of her trip.

Thanks for all the perspectives, mostly really helpful! No need for anyone to be exasperated, I’m not losing any sleep over this, just talking.

It was a joke . Why don't some people get that other people's sense of humour may be different to theirs and are therefore always overthinking . OP, forget it .

Fair enough, but being interested in his behaviour isn’t going to change anything. You and your husband can teach your children how to be fair and considerate human beings by demonstrating good behaviour yourselves. Unless you’re planning on explicitly holding him up as an example of how NOT to behave, which won’t do much for their relationship with him.

He's joking about his own terrible cooking skills.
He is as inexperienced at cooking as she is at laundry, I expect.

He is also saying that normally he has a great deal, he recognises that he will miss the lovely meals.
Not offensive.

A joke doesn't have to be "on" anyone. It can just be a joke. There's no reason to assume anything about their relationship from a bit of banter.

I get what you mean. I'd be embarrassed to make a 'joke' that essentially admits I can't function without a personal slave - and that's what he thinks of his wife. Not a carer, not a partner, but a slave.

Of course, we know there's likely some low level emotional manipulation going on 'I'll basically starve without you around to feed me', and I hate to think the guilt tripping that will be going on when she gets back if she even goes

Weird thing to get your nose into really.

My aunt did all the cooking in her marriage and my uncle was never 'allowed'. She'd get really dramatically upset if he so much as lifted a frying pan.

It worked for them during their 60 year marriage.

No-one else's business.

If my mother went on holiday without my dad I would drop off a couple ready meals because if I didn’t he would just simply eat toast and jam every night.
It’s just the way they are and there is nothing nefarious about it.

Your over invested they clearly have a dynamic that works for them

my dad would of been the same never cooked a meal in his married life

that said my mum
never cut the grass
Did the garden
took bins out
painted and decorated
paid the bills
Sorted the car
there used to be a random dog that shit on there drive she’d shout him to clean it up

it worked for them

Could he just be hinting for an invitation to meals?

You sound like a right drama queen.

It's a running joke in my family that if I'm not there my OH gets a takeaway 😅 worst cook in the world definitely can't feed herself

I would love that division of labour

It's the sort of joke my PIL would make - MIL is very "chuh, men can't even boil an egg, what are they like". And of course she encourages this by yelling "what are you doing, let me do that, you'll break it" if FIL even attempts to make a slice of toast.

While to modern ears it's ridiculous, and we just think "well what the fuck, they should learn to cook" I suppose you could say it represents progress of sorts because her mum would have been like "poor men, must make sure they are dutifully fed". MIL is that sort of Shirley Valentine middle generation who are so close to getting it, but not quite.

Not of your bloody business is it? Just let it go.

It depends on the generation. I live in an ex mining area and the men's bodies were destroyed by 50 years old. My Dad was dead by 60 because of his working life. For ordinary WC, Northern families, it was a matter of working together. It wasn't WC men's fault that women's wages were so low. Those men had little control over the political landscape. Once families were in Council housing, had birth control, if you had a good husband, being a SAHM wasn't a bad deal.
I've booked a weekend away to Krackow Christmas markets, my DP is disabled, but lazy with it and I've joked that I best buy in plenty of cereal, because that'll make up most of his diet. The jokes on him, not me. Like Homer Simpson.

I think you are overthinking this. DH and I have an even more old fashioned set up. He works and brings home money. I don't work and when I'm home I am responsible for everything in the house. It wouldn't suit everyone but it works for us.

OTOH I travel a lot , I'm probably away from home 100+ days a year (all funded by DH's earnings). He makes similar jokes about how will he cope when I'm gone but somehow he gets by. I'm sure your FIL will too.

Your children will learn what a loving/respectful marriage/partnership is by witnessing what goes on in their own home, not by what goes on in their grandparents home.

Though, given that sadly the majority of women seem to still take on most of the domestic and childcare load, at least your FIL tidies up after your MIL cooks!!!

Depends on the bigger picture I think which I suspect is what you're asking. My husband does most of the cooking because he's a better cook so I have joked we'd all be living on McDonald's and oven food when he's away for anuthing. The reality is if he's away we revert to easier to cook food, I make decent pasta with different sauces, chilli, fajitas, veggie bakes with rice, I will often throw in frozen veg instead of fresh to avoid chopping, everything will often be chucked in 1 dish and nothing is measured but we eat grand. I did also once joke I would never have clean pants without him because pre kids he did most of the laundry (but I then organise and put a way clean clothes)

The other side is though I dothe vast majority of actual house cleaning, previously I worked more hours than him now I work the same as him but also do more childcare while he offsets by cooking and throwing laundry in. For me the jokes are acknowledging the key role he plays in keeping life ticking over!

My dh doesn’t cook, he always worked much longer hours than I did (inc. many years abroad with only 1 day off a week) but he now invariably clears up the kitchen (perfectly), loads the dishwasher and unloads it in the morning.
Might add that he’s an entirely unfussy eater and is always appreciative of whatever he’s given.

If I’m away for a night or two he will typically raid Waitrose for their Nasi Goreng. 🙂. But is equally happy with shepherd’s pie - or a couple of eggs on toast.