FIL - Why is this funny?

[Tryingtomakesenseofit2025]

Have been lurking for a long time, looking for other opinions without embarrassing my DH by discussing his dad with friends.

My MIL was given a trip away as a birthday present and FILs response was to worry about what he would eat while she is away.

Their division of domestic labour in general makes me uncomfortable but I understand it works for them. Re. food, she always does all the cooking, he always does all the washing up (it’s not this that makes me uncomfortable btw).

He was joking but I am trying to understand what the joke is? Is it a kind joke, like I love you and I need you? Or an unkind one, like you are my servant and I resent you taking time off?

The response to joke was muted, my SIL suggested he buy ready meals.

The only way to find out is to ask but I’m not sure he’d know.

AIBU to suspect he is being unkind?

I’m with you on the discomfort. I suspect it wasn’t an unkind joke. But.
This type of weaponised incompetence is so much more insidious and problematic than it seems as a “joke”.

With all due respect, get a grip.

Yes it is because as home owners we should all be able to do basic DIY.

As car drivers we should be able to do basic car maintenance.

As adults we should be able to feed ourselves.

I mean ... not really, OP. The world is and is going to be full of an awful lot of things you don't like and don't want your children to be exposed to, but they are and will be. It's not a reason (especially this) to insert yourself in someone else's relationship.

Children need to develop to understand things in context, appropriateness and also the imperfections in this world – not just idealism.

That's just a normal, common, joke. He's likely pleased for her and very capable if feeding himself. Everyone would laugh and move on in my family.

He maybe joking about something that is a real concern and is starting to play on his mind. My dad has always worked hard and my mum kept the house running. Until 5 years ago my dad couldn’t use email, had never used a cash machine, had never paid a household bill, and when he needed to hire a car couldn’t as there was no bills or paperwork in his name.

He can cook the odd meal, but I don’t think he could plan a weekly shop. My mum always used to joke that if she went first, he’d starve within a week. Funny in his 40s, now in his 70s it’s a real concern. He still works, and is starting to do more at home, but it is apparent without a household manager he really can’t manage real life.

If it were my father, it'd most certainly be meant as nasty towards my mum daring to neglect her role as his unpaid skivvy. An attitude he had years to reflect & repent over after she died, & he realised just how much she did do for him that he never even noticed, never mind showed any appreciation for. I never give men the benefit of the doubt over good/bad intentions anymore, unless I know them really well. Misogyny serves them too well to automatically think they'd willingly give that kind of unearned & undeserved privilege up without a struggle.

Surely if it's not his domain it would be helpful for him to know how to use microwave in case his wife /partner was in hospital and he'd have to manage??

It's a basic life skill,surelt?!

My partner does do a lot of bloke things... Simply as he's better at it /has more interest... But I can still change lightbulb/basic car maintenance /bajsc house stuff for when he's not around

It depends how it was said. Did it sound like a joke? Or did it have a mean undercurrent or sound like he was annoyed/angry. I’m not sure why you are giving it any thought and asking about it on here, unless you are genuinely worried about your mil and thinking she might not go?
I hope she answered him with something ‘I don’t know, you’ll need to get thinking about that won’t you? I’m sure you’ll survive’

When men are passive aggressive in public I'd wonder what they say when there's no audience, and how they behave when she comes home after enjoying herself without him.

It isn’t really a joke even if they try to pretend it is. It is more of a statement along the lines of “how dare you have a life of your own”.

when my MIL was ill and couldn’t cook, FIL went to a local shop and bought several tins of soup that neither of them liked to feed them for the week. It was weaponised incompetence designed to push someone else into shopping and cooking for them.

It sounds like you're reading a lot into a passing comment between a long term couple, something that does not need this level of scrutiny from someone outside their relationship. Not everything said between a couple needs deep analysis, especially when it's not harmful.

If they have, over many years, fallen into cook and dishwasher roles and it works for them, that is absolutely fine and between them.

Your aim should be to raise your children with a healthy and balanced perspective including an understanding that not all dynamics they observe need picked apart, judgment or intervention. This will be difficult to achieve if you are not modelling it yourself, so it might be worth reflecting more on your own behaviour rather than others.

I completely agree with you. I’m not trying to avoid my children being exposed to different things but I am interested in and curious about the things they are exposed to.

I don’t think asking Mumsnet for opinions on a Monday morning is inserting myself in to someone else’s relationship.

DF was a bit like this, although very practical with things like DIY/gardening/anything car related. He could heat up a tins of beans and that was about it. 1950s marriage. When DM went into hospital for knee replacements she filled the freezer with meals for him and left him a list. I still got calls from him asking where the frying pan etc was kept in the kitchen and how to use the microwave he bought 🙄

I disagree, I think it’s quite usual to take car to mechanic or call plumber etc. for basic repairs every time you need help but it’s quite unusual to eat out or eat a ready meal every time you are hungry.

It’s also not as though men and women are starting out on an equal footing. We’ve only been able to have our own bank accounts for fifty years.

Thanks for all the comments, I know anxiety about my own relationship is a big part of this. Appreciate everyone’s contributions.

If it works for them then I dont see a problem at all. Sounds like my MIL & FIL she goes on a yearly girls trip for a week and makes up 7 frozen meals that FIL needs to defrost and microwave. Thats the most cooking he does all year. I dont think hes being unkind joking that he needs his wife around. Especially if hes of a certain age thats just how it is for most couples. You're reading far too much into it, their relationship is certainly not going to have a negative impact on your DCs. Its your job to teach them right from wrong.

It's only usual for basic repairs if you happen to have a lot of money.

Most people will do what they can themselves if they don't.

Especially as Youtube is a Godsend when it comes to this sort of thing.

My dad says the same. I take my mother to marks for a little shop once a month and he’ll say “I’ll be on my own for a few hours… what are you going to buy me for a present”. He is useless on his own, but he normally sleeps when she’s out and then she’ll buy him a cake from the bakery. She just laughs

What's the anxiety in your relationship??

Yeah but I think you are looking for something offense where there isn’t any. Their division of labour is set up so she always cooks. She’s going away and he makes a joke about who is going to cook.

What if it had been the other way round and MIL had said ‘only thing is who’s going to do the washing up??’ Or ‘who’s going to take the bins out?’ Would you be bothered about that??

Yes I think so if I was sure it was unkind.
Though I think it has more weight when men take the domestic work women do for granted than the other way around as historically women have had much fewer choices about how they spend their time.

I am going away for a week soon and I made the same joke to my DH - What he will eat when I’m away. Not because he’s incompetent or unable to fend for himself. I do all the cooking because I love it and he is more of a “heat up a ready meal or a pizza” person