FIL - Why is this funny?

[Tryingtomakesenseofit2025]

Have been lurking for a long time, looking for other opinions without embarrassing my DH by discussing his dad with friends.

My MIL was given a trip away as a birthday present and FILs response was to worry about what he would eat while she is away.

Their division of domestic labour in general makes me uncomfortable but I understand it works for them. Re. food, she always does all the cooking, he always does all the washing up (it’s not this that makes me uncomfortable btw).

He was joking but I am trying to understand what the joke is? Is it a kind joke, like I love you and I need you? Or an unkind one, like you are my servant and I resent you taking time off?

The response to joke was muted, my SIL suggested he buy ready meals.

The only way to find out is to ask but I’m not sure he’d know.

AIBU to suspect he is being unkind?

It was a joke. My Dad makes similar jokes about when my Mum goes away - he's more than capable of cooking for himself but often comments he will treat himself (and the rest of us) to a pub lunch or M&S ready meal for a few days.

The division of labour in their house is actually very equal, she just does all of the cooking. My DH probably makes similar comments when I go away and gets himself and the kids McDonalds for tea Wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

It's just exactly the sort of joke a man of that age would make. I wouldn't really think anything of it. Maybe would offer to take him out for dinner one night or something.

It is a self deprecating joke

I don't think it was intended as a joke? He was genuinely wondering what he would eat when his meals weren't being cooked for him. I imagine if there were other women present it may have been a hint that they should rush to provide.

Oh my god, such a nothing to worry about .

Well it depends. Was he furious when he said it or was it lighthearted? Personally I wouldn’t have given it much thought unless there is a history of toxicity and abuse in their marriage.

Not autistic (as far as I know!)

Is he trying to dissuade her from going in any way or just cracking a joke? The two are very different.

It's the kind of thing we would joke to my FIL about. He'd have no chance of using the microwave (it's a built in oven type). He's a very capable man and hardworking and would of course manage if it came to it but he genuinely has no idea how it works because it's not his domain in day to day life.

My mum does the cooking, my dad does all jobs round the house, washing up and works, my mum has never worked. When my mum is away me and my siblings invite my dad for dinner to make sure he eats😂or he goes to the chip shop, or he doesn't eat. He can cook, he just doesn't, its just the way it is .
We do all joke about it, if mum books time away we say 'what's dad going to eat mum? He will waste away' and she says he can fend for himself, we all laugh it off.
It sounds like a similar joke, if your mother in law isnt offended then I wouldnt be on her c behalf.
If your father in law is mysoginistic in other ways and doesnt pull his weight thrn its not really a joke, but if they split the load with MIL cooking and FIL doing other chores then this just sounds like a bit of banter.

DH might well make the same joke but it would be a joke. Perhaps I would find it funny but others not?

I think one cooking and one doing all the clearing away and washing up is a fair division? It's what we do. I like cooking and DH doesn't. I never lift a finger to clear a plate, load dishwasher, put away, scrub pans. In terms of time and effort his job is the most onerous.

The joke isn't 'on' one or the other of them. It's just a joke about their relationship in general. I don't think it's anything like as deep or significant as you think.

If it was FIL, the usual washer-upper, who was going away for a few days, your MIL could just as easily have said 'Well, the dishes are really going to mount up' or 'I'll have to eat off paper plates then' or something.

I personally have no time for grown adults who can't make themselves a bowl of pasta or eggs on toast, but regardless of what we think about your FIL's inability to cook for himself - unless he was seriously saying that his wife shouldn't go away for that reason, it doesn't mean anything.

My partner and I have been together for a long time and we both go away separately for work or pleasure now and again. He was away for work for a few nights this week, while I've been working from home on my own. On Friday morning he sent me a text that said 'Hope you're having a good morning xx' and I replied 'Well, I'm a bit dehydrated actually because there was nobody here to make me a cup of tea this morning'. That was just a joke about the fact that gets up first and makes me a tea while he's making himself a coffee. It wasn't a joke about him being downtrodden or me being lazy - neither is the case. It was just a joke about our domestic routine and the little things we do for each other.

I do most of the cooking in our house (I really enjoy it, so I do all the cooking and he does all the laundry in return) and when I go away he'll often send me a photo of his dinner, just as a jokey thing, like 'Here, just so you know I haven't starved in your absence'. Equally, he's much tidier than I am, so if he says 'Just left London so I'll back around 7pm' I might reply, 'Oh good, that'll give me three hours to clear up all the crap I've left everywhere while you've been away'.

This is the kind of joke I make (and my friends, too) if my DH is away. The joke is on me because I’m a rubbish cook and would happily live on sandwiches if left to my own devices. I wouldn’t be resentful of DH going away at all. Your FIL clearly contributes to the cooking process by doing the washing up so please don’t think unkindly of him.

Years ago this is probably the kind of joke my dad would have made. He left school and joined the armed forces, so was cooked for constantly. Got married and DM was a SAHM so cooked for him when he was home. He genuinely wouldn't have had a clue how to cook himself some food if DM was away/ill.

Since he retired before my DM he taught himself how to cook and now they take it in turns to make dinner.

I'd see it as a joke, depending on how it was delivered, but respond with "well, this is a perfect opportunity for you to learn how to make yourself something!".

Who knows what the future holds for him, so it's better he start learning now. My MIL was doing 100% of the cooking until she became ill. FIL had a steep learning curve at that point, but is happy to make the family a roast dinner, etc, now.

Do you always take things this literally?

I understand some people think this question isn’t worth asking and/or has nothing to do with me, I strongly disagree. I hope I will always be interested in the way the men in my family talk to and care for the women in my family (and vice versa), particularly in front of my children.

Well we dont anyone involved and thetr is no blanket 100% correct answer to this so wouldn't ypu be best to know from past interactions?

I'd think the joke is at his own expense. He's not mocking his wife for being a good provider, he's saying he's useless.

ETA - agree with pp. I could imagine myself making the same joke - my husband does all the cooking, I eat Weetabix and crisps when he's not here.

It's just banter between long married people. Quite likely a long running joke between them that he would starve if she wasn't there.

My parents were very traditional in their split of domestic chores but both of them worked equally hard and had shared outlooks and goals about how their home life was. So long as 1 isn’t doing all the work then I could see this working but if there is one meeting the needs of the other while they other one is solely pandered to then personally I’d find the dynamic unhealthy. My sister and her DH are more like that. He is very selfish and she is one of life’s givers it is not pleasant to watch.

Learned helplessness. Any women who knowingly teaches it is making a rod for her own back, but that's her own lookout. You're not wrong, but it's their lives so let them get on with it.

I wouldn't overthink it. I often take the piss out of myself for being shit at cooking. I still manage to feed myself.

I think I’d have responded that it was good practice for him to have to figure that out by himself.

as he and MIL get older they’ll not always be able to do chores all the time that they do now. They need to “cross train” so they can each pick up each others chores if need arises.

works both ways…heard too many times of wives not knowing anything about they’re finances ..or not being able to do very basic household repair jobs (not tlaking serious maintenance here, just lie knowing how to use the mower, or a screwdriver to tighten a loose screw.

i don’t see anything worng in designated chores along line of gender stereotypes. I don’t actually think it that bad he expressed it- he was suddenly faced with his own limitations and issues and, like a lot of people, put his survival (prepping food is survival) above needs of his wife. Sure, we all know he can cope and should have said nothing…but blurting that out as a joke covers up for real anxiety over how he can cope and make a change in learning new tasks.

id suggest talking to MIL around this when she gets back…how she and him can cross train..how she can broach it with him so they both make a change now before something bad really happens

Gees there’s nothing to get so worked up about. Just explain to your kids that people joke occasionally and if he wasn’t joking tell them that their grandfather needs to buck his ideas up and learn to look after himself. Which is something I presume you are showing and teaching your children every day yourself anyway.

I think the joke is more on him. Like he’s not able to look after himself while she’s not there

Reading waaaay too much into it.
I make the same joke all the time when my dh is away as a compliment because he's a great cook and I'm not. It's a self depreciative comment that's all.