Dd saying I look fat

[Hatethistimeofyear]

Recently Dd, 7 has said a couple of times that I look fat and my tummy looks pregnant
I have got a bit of weight on me-size 16-18, but she’s never mentioned it before.

How would you deal with this? Would you say it’s not nice to call people fat? I know she’s not meaning to be unkind and isn’t saying it an unkind way

Would you just leave it?

Ive always said it doesn’t matter what you look like, it’s how kind you are that matters

Feeling a bit shit as trying desperately to lose weight

Yes, I totally agree. When I was larger (still a 14 now) I made a point of behaving with total confidence on the beach in a costume or whatever because I didn’t want my kids, especially my daughter thinking you had to be slim to be happy/healthy/accomplished/loved etc. We focus on what our bodies can do instead of what they look like.

Said daughter is very sporty and trains a lot, one of her team mates was told by her grandpa “not to get too muscly as it wasn’t very ladylike”. Can you imagine!

Is she perhaps learning about healthy eating and the impact of being overweight in school and she’s worried about your health? I wouldn’t ignore it but use it as a discussion point about healthy eating and the risks of being overweight and how it’s ok to raise worries about the health of people you love, but not ok to comment on strangers physical appearance

I would tell her that all bodies look different and all bodies are good bodies, but remind her that we don't comment on other people's bodies. If she's expressing the view that fat = bad I would try and approach that with calm curiosity - why does she think that? Has she heard someone else say it? What does she think about it? Try to challenge any assumptions she's formed from hearing negative talk from others. Help her see all the amazing things your body can do - it grew babies, it carries you around all day, it lets you give her hugs, it allows you to have dance parties, etc etc. The size of your body is the least interesting thing about it, and that's true for everyone.

Yes I would tell me daughter she shouldn’t comment on peoples appearance, unless it’s to compliment them and even then, appearance isn’t everything.

Dd aged 6 has said numerous times to me this week. It's opened up discussion actually about how I agree and she has suggested exercising to get fit lol. I'd love to!

We have however discussed how it could be upsetting and never to talk to other people about things like that.

Definitely don’t mention anything about diets to a child, honestly 🙄. Just own it, say ‘maybe I am a bit fat, but that’s ok because everyone has different bodies and they change over time’.

Sounds lovely, but wrong. Being obese is not good for you. You’re misleading a child

This ☝🏼, you said it so much better than I just did!

Has she got a school friend whose mother actually is expecting, or something like that? It may be that pregnancy has just come home to her as a concept and she's seeing "fat ladies" everywhere she looks.

Be that as it may, when I was a little girl my mother told me never to make personal remarks. Good lesson.

If she's expressing the view that fat = bad I would try and approach that with calm curiosity - why does she think that?

OMFG, because it is. It’s really bad for you. Not one medic or anyone in public health is going to tell you excess fat is not a bad idea.

“All bodies are different. It is ok to notice that they are different, but it can upset people if you comment on it”

Or something to that measure. Body neutrality (even if you feel a certain way about yourself on a personal level) is always best with little kids because in life they will see so many different types of people and it’s important to teach them not to judge someone by the way they look. Also DD is old enough to be (gently) taught that commenting on someone’s physical appearance to their face could upset them.

We've always told the kids that unless they are saying something nice, you dont comment negatively on someone's appearance unless they can change it in 5 mins. For example ok to tell someone they have food in their teeth or their buttons are done up wrong but not ok to talk about someone's size, hair colour, glasses etc.

Particularly on Mumsnet!

I don't have a problem with being called fat because I am fat. However, as others have said, other people might be offended by it so you might have to explain this to her.

The only problem is that in order to explain it you will have to teach her that "fat" is considered problematic or an insult.That in itself is a bit counterintuitive because if you are teaching her to be - for want of a better word - inclusive or kind then fat should not be viewed as a problem. If fat isn't a problem she is fully entitled to call you and others "fat".

I can't tell what you're trying to achieve by posting this, were you trying to support the OP? Because she (and her DD) talked about her big belly, so it doesn't sound like 'hour glass figure' applies here and you have just added to the body shaming of her and anyone else with that shape. Then you managed to have a pop at everyone else who's not a size 16.

I cut anything like this dead with my Dd ‘we don’t mention peoples bodies or size, people come in all shapes & sizes’

Hmmm - is it nasty to say (without malice) that someone has a big nose if they do?

kids are kids - there are literally no undertones. My 3yo told me the other day that I had a wobbly tummy (I do) and that he was surprised I didn’t have Willy because my wee just had to come out of a hole (obviously it does).

you can tell children that it’s not nice to comment on what people look like but I also tell my children not to eat with their mouth open, it doesn’t mean they’ll do it.

woah - eta, I totally missed the ‘someone is igly because their skin is black’ comment in the post I was replying to. That’s a totally different situation. Someone’s nose being big (bigger than average) is factual. Someone being overweight is factual, someone being ‘ugly’ because their skin is black is racist and is learned. That’s in no way the same.

She is just describing what she says. She is not trying to offend you and you know it.
What's your BMI ?

Why do you need to know that?

Does she hear you saying things like this and is repeating it?

Could you try saying positive things about your body or modelling good attitudes like “I really like this colour on me” when looking in the mirror?

Also - you possibly do this already - but try and keep comments about what people look like neutral.

Good luck with the weight loss - it’s so hard, but you’re being a great role model by getting to a healthy weight.

My sister is 5'6 a size 14-16 depending on the make of clothes. She has broad shoulders a 38DD bust a tiny waist & 39 hips & is stunning. She works out & has a flat tummy. People call her Jessica rabbit. There is absolutely no way she could be described as fat.

I would say that it isn’t nice to make personal comments and that ‘we’ don’t do that .

Brands vary of course, but 39 hips rarely need a 14/16. Check some size guides, that would normally be a 12 or even a 10.

I know the phrase is usually "comparisons are odious", but my grannie dinned into me that it was personal remarks that were odious. I shudder to think what I must have said to offend but I do remember being sat at the kitchen table with nothing to do but consider my sins.