Dd saying I look fat

[Hatethistimeofyear]

Recently Dd, 7 has said a couple of times that I look fat and my tummy looks pregnant
I have got a bit of weight on me-size 16-18, but she’s never mentioned it before.

How would you deal with this? Would you say it’s not nice to call people fat? I know she’s not meaning to be unkind and isn’t saying it an unkind way

Would you just leave it?

Ive always said it doesn’t matter what you look like, it’s how kind you are that matters

Feeling a bit shit as trying desperately to lose weight

Any friends recently had siblings and she's maybe hoping for the same? Or conversely absolutely horrified at the thought?!
I think I'd be saying something along the lines of commenting on any aspect of someone's appearance is just Something That We Don't Do.

🙄 Yes, because only those with a healthy BMI could possibly have a good life.

I tell my kids I worked hard for my belly! Lots of cake eating, hosting babies and sending them down food! We have a laugh about it!

But seriously... I try and explain what kind of things are ok to say to me, to others etc.. but (until recently) I have been fat. So it has been true! It's ok to be fat, to recognise it, to use it as a way to teach your children and educate them about appropriate and inappropriate thigs to say, and to talk to them about different factors that contribute to weight gain and how one might loose weight and get healthy, such as by swimming, running around, playing and eating good nutritious food. And talk to them about what makes it hard for some people to stay healthy and eat well and exercise appropriately..

Except it's not true. Someone who's very happy with their figure would generally (I know not always!) welcome a remark.
You could say it's better not to comment I suppose.

OTOH a 6 year old told me I had a big tummy right after I'd lost some kilos to be quite close to my ideal weight. I shrugged and assumed she's comparing to her own belly. Even her brother said she says it to everyone. So if you're not already sensitive about something, the comments of little kids aren't a big deal.

Size 16 is the average dress size in the UK. If a woman this size is well proportioned with an hour glass figure it's one of the more attractive sizes,not too thin, not too fat.

Indeed. I’ve led a happy, fulfilling and active life at all sorts of sizes. And if any of my kids end up bigger than ‘ideal’ I’d hate for them to feel the kind of shame posters like this seem to think they should.

I’ve had similar with my 7 year old recently. I’ve always said it’s not nice to comment on someones appearance and that what someone looks like is the least interesting thing about them. I also said that I am fat (I’m a size 22) and that’s a fact, just like some people are tall. All that matters is that someone is healthy or trying to be healthy. I wanted to take back ownership of ‘fat’ I am fat, it’s a fact.

"I think I'd be saying something along the lines of commenting on any aspect of someone's appearance is just Something That We Don't Do."

Just a total lie. We all do comment if someone we know's very dressed up for a special occasion or has a new haircut.

? Eh?

Well it depends on height! But for an average height woman (5ft5/5ft6) a size 16 is definitely fat.

Sorry, but that's just a fact.

They may look nice, pretty, sexy, whatever. But they are still overweight and being overweight isn't healthy even if it is normalised in the UK and USA

I gave you life darling and for that you need to be respectful- or just ignore her when she says it and move away

Definitely important to teach them not to comment on people’s bodies/appearances. Fine to comment on someone looking nice or their clothing where they have made a choice to wear something.

I tell my DD she’s gorgeous/beautiful but haven’t said this is about how she looks, it’s how she is. Tell her she’s a beautiful person. We might say ‘you look lovely’ or say we like her outfit but I wouldn’t say ‘you’ve got a nice nose/tummy/face’. I am conscious as my looks were commented a lot as a child and though it was largely positive it made me very uncomfortable and made me feel like that was what I was valued for.

Much better to compliment on what someone has done/chosen.

Thing is, telling kids it’s rude to comment on appearance isn’t true is it. It’s more than ok, in fact many see it as an expectation, to comment on someone’s appearance if they’re looking nice, have lost weight (which is basically saying they used to be fat), have had their hair done, etc. It’s confusing for young children and unless they’re doing it maliciously I don’t believe it’s something to make a big issue of.

And yet over 64% of UK adults are too fat.

I imagine quite a few are wearing the average dress size?

Why are people hurt when someone says they’re fat, if they are fat. It’s just a practical issue, it’s not a moral issue or a comment about your value as a person.

I would 100% clamp down on this and don’t accept it as the norm or a joke you have.

In our family we -

Don’t talk about dieting or people’s weight in front of the kids

we say people are all shapes and sizes in a positive way

when much younger (and at different sizes post and pre pregnancies) my kids would touch my tummy and ask why it was wobbly and I would say ‘it grew you and my body gave birth to you and I’m proud of how strong my body is’

we try to be really body positive in front of the kids and we walk about in underwear and aren’t shy about our bodies even when heavier than we want to be (after Christmas for eg)

we never fat shame each other or anyone else.

It’s amazing how much previous generations (including my own) talk to and in front of young girls about diets, looking slim, being too big for that outfit, having big legs (even in a positive way I don’t think commenting on people’s bodies is helpful), people being fat etc. I’ve also witnessed acquaintances boys fat shaming their mums and it being laughed off as ‘cheeky’.

It’s just such a no no for me honestly and we have made massive efforts to keep it away from our kids and try to explain when they get older how that kind of body shaming is not ok.

I’d be careful of ‘defending’ your size as that starts the message that your value is defined by your size and fat is bad / embarrassing / offensive.

yes, remind her not to comment on people’s appearances but you could also try a neutral / lighthearted “yes I do a bit don’t I?! I’m not though so no little sister for you I’m afraid”

my parents have a very strong fat = shameful thin = superior message and I’ve had various eating disorders since I was about 14

What?
The fact size 16 is an average size just confirms the statistics that majority of UK population are overeweight.
Unless a woman is 185cm tall I really cannot imagine size 16 being her ideal body ffs.

Today, my (just) five year old told me “youre fat Mummy but don’t worry because I love you lots”. So I was both pleased and upset….

Many people consider being fat moral turpitude.

Don't be absurd.

There will be a very small number of very tall/busty/wide shouldered women for whom a 16 might be their size at a normal weight.

For the vast majority, if you're a size 16, you're overweight. So yes, you're a bit too fat.

I would maybe try a different tact. My mother was over weight and I remember people in my class commenting on it and I felt ashamed. I would sit her down and ask if it was her opinion or someone else had also mentioned it.

I think we can acknowledge our bodies for their accomplishments like having a baby. But you can be honest and say you are a little over weight and you are aware of this. By commenting on it it makes you feel x. Try to teach if someone can change it in the next 5 mins it’s ok to make a comment (like something stuck in their teeth)

6/7 year olds are only becoming aware of differences.
They see teachers, other parents, activity coordinators, learn about healthy habits in school and make the connection.

So personal remarks are fine are they?
That man has a big nose.
That lady has funny eyes.
That man is ugly because his skin is black.
Children need to be corrected when they make nasty remarks. It is not ok.

Because it is rude and hurtful. By your logic it is okay to comment on someone who is ugly, or bald or thin, or bad teeth, it is no different.

My DD said this a few times. My DN announced in front of a crowd 'why do you have such a big bum'. It was mortifying but it's a fact I have a big bum and i am fat. I told Dd that it was true but not nice to say. At 7 a child is capable of learning what is and is not acceptable. It's different when they are 3 and don't understand.