To think there’s a real crisis in men being able to express how they truly feel about life and society?

[TheGentleSwan]

It feels like, in the West, men are struggling to be honest about their emotions, their frustrations, and how they view the world. Whether it’s societal pressure, fear of judgement, or just a lack of spaces to talk openly, it seems like many men keep things bottled up. AIBU to think this is a real issue?

It's interesting that you look at the dating market (because that's what it is, really) and see "hot guys sleeping with as many women as they want", when the other side of it paints a wholly different picture - pick any straight dating site you like, and it's the women with all the power; they're the ones who get to pick and choose the guys they want. The sites are even built with that bias in mind now.

And...the ones they're mostly choosing seem to be the hot guys who sleep around.

Kinda glad I don't play in that pool.

The men I know are all well able to express themselves, emotions and all. And they are from a range of backgrounds.
Changing roles mean that men don't have to shoulder all the financial burdens of a family, be strong and silent all the time etc, now. That's a good thing. Its a shame that some factions (both male and female) want to drag us back to the 1950s.

I don’t mean to suggest men never had community or connection. Brotherhood in the army, team camaraderie or shared hobbies like bushcraft absolutely created meaningful bonds for many.

But I’d argue that those spaces often centred around action, hierarchy or shared struggle, rather than emotional vulnerability. The “bond” was there but how often did it include room for sadness, fear or self-doubt without shame?

I think that men essentially expect support from others, and women often don't. And this means they process and rationalise their emotions differently. Many men get angry and become more distressed when they don't receive the level of support they expect

Another part of my job is carrying out surgical procedures under local. Men will again immediately make it known if they are in pain, or discomfort, usually by moaning or spluttering, they will quite frequently be rude or aggressive. They will question me more than women. Women will often tolerate discomfort, ( I give all my patients a signal to give if they are in discomfort) they are more polite

Of course this is generalising. There are many, many decent men. But I think it's absolute crap that men don't have the space to express their emotions and women do. Women suffer with higher rates of mental illness than men, and attempt suicide at the same rate. The men's mental health crisis is MRA propaganda, designed to discredit feminism, talked about in Andrew tate/reddit spaces. Its used in the same way abusive men will often threaten to kill themselves. Women should not be expected to do yet more emotional labor to cure men of their mental health problems

That's precisely the point, I think. Men, largely-speaking, don't bond by sitting in a circle talking about their emotions. They bond through shared activity - team sports, making things together etc. That's why Men's Sheds (and similar organisations) exist. I have a couple of friends who run one, and they say that while the guys often show up with a project in mind or with something they want to learn, eventually they start showing up just to be around other people who've been drawn there by similar experiences...once the bond is formed, the environment itself becomes the shared experience, and they start opening up.

But it seems there often needs to be some kind of shared purpose to draw them together.

I think it's two sides of the same coin - a small minority of men (the "hot guys") can have their pick of women, but they'll only date them casually and throw them back in the pool.

(Source: I have comforted a number of female friends through that particular heartbreak!)

Anyway, then for the other 90% of men, yeah, there is a sea of them and they desperately try to get anyone to even reply to their messages let alone go on a date.

100% @ntmdino you expressed it better than I did!

The interesting part of that, though, is the relative agency. The women who're upset about picking the hot guys and then being ghosted after a one-nighter have the option of making better choices; that 90% of men who are rejected can't really do anything else to optimise their chances beyond outright lying on their profile.

But those groups do exist and men are often part of them.

Let's be honest, most men post children keep their hobbies and women give them up. So many relationships the man is still out cycling or golfing with his mates on a Saturday morning, and men continue to go on nights out. Its only fairly recently that we are seeing a more equal split of free time, and not in every relationship

Where is the narrative that men don't have groups or friends and women do coming from?

My local football club has about 20 mens teams, and one womens. My workplace has a men's mental health group, no womens. There are plenty of groups and communities for men, and many men access them. And women are often more welcoming to men in their communities than men are to women.

Exactly. OP, this is the wrong forum for this discussion.

Yup. If you want to find out men's experience of emotional support, go and look on a football/rugby/woodworking/guitar/etc forum instead, basically anywhere that's centred around an activity that a lot of men join in on. There's usually a non-public area where members can talk without announcing it all over Google.

But, as I said before, it seems there has to be a bond based around an activity for them to feel safe.

More women than men attempt suicide but women think about who will find the body and choose less violent methods.

I’ve seen that described as “attention seeking” by men online.

I don’t actually care about the “male loneliness epidemic”. They seem to think that women pop out to coffee with their girl chums and discuss which antidepressant they’re on and have a bit of lighthearted chitchat about their suicidal ideation. Because of course women find it easier to open up and have loads of people willing to listen. They don’t. They struggle on, just as alone as men, with the added burden of looking after the family’s mental needs because women are “nuturing”.

nobody’s out here setting up “Mandy’s clubs” for women to talk are they? I’ve never seen a poster encouraging women to talk about their feelings. Hundreds for men though.

Without doubt, ALL of the women I know would absolutely want the men around them to allow themselves to be vulnerable. I don’t know any women that would say differently.

On a personal note, what I won’t tolerate is the men in my life assuming that their feelings are valid, should be front and centre and we should all tip toe around them, when at the same time, my feelings are viewed by the same man as invalid, neurotic and over the top. Yes STBXH - I’m talking to you!! Your feelings don’t give you a licence to be verbally and emotionally abusive.

Again this is just MRA propaganda.
There's equal amount of men and women. There are lots and lots and lots of women swiping yes on not the "hot guys".

If men are struggling on dating apps they can go to the gym, work on their skincare routine, dress well and write something interesting. Like women do.

My husband works in a male dominated field, he has lots of singles colleagues who moan that they can't get women, he points out that a)they don't really like women b) they have nothing to offer women and c)their expectations of women they will find attractive are way too high. Your incredibly naive to think that men have a good grasp of their league

Well, I guess the general increase and prevalence of encouragement for men to do so is a positive response to need, which personally I welcome. It's a pity that you "don't care"; the us/them attitude is really not good for anyone, imho.

I agree. At the moment white males are a real target for abusive comparison. They're the only group that we hurl defamatory insults at and downplay their successes and achievements under the "you only got where you are because you're a straight white privileged male". Men aren't all abusive narcissistic bullies. White males are also kind, loving, generous, helpful , and peaceful. We're abusing and mocking innocents in this 'target all ' put down. People forget, that for many , our sons are going to grow up to be this target group.

Once again, I think women are really enjoying jumping on the victim bandwagon by labelling all men big bad bullies. These competitive victimhood and insult hurling has to stop. If you don't pick on a group of black females, or gay males, you don't blanket a group of white straight males either.

So, in conclusion, how some men are instantly wrong for their very "privileged " existence, no wonder they daren't express much

It really isn't. Take Bumble and Tinder, for example - there are two (Bumble) to three (Tinder) times as many men on dating sites as there are women. That, by definition, puts the choices almost entirely in the hands of the women.

Out of each 100 users, 11 women and 11 men will be matched. That's a 30-50% success rate for women, and a 15-20% success rate for men. It will never be more than that, by definition.

And, you'll note if you read my comment carefully, that I was talking about the women referred to in the previous comment - the ones who complain that they're being ghosted after a one-nighter. That's because the guys who've found success on there know exactly how to play the game, and they're in just as much of a minority as the women on there.

@TheGentleSwan "Mocking abusive behaviour and creating space for emotional honesty aren’t mutually exclusive but if we blur the lines too much, we risk reinforcing the very silence we claim to want to challenge"

you claim that there is a silence and that you want to challenge it. I don't know why you keep saying "we". You have said it quite a lot.

I actually find it a very old-fashioned idea that men can't talk about their feelings. It's 2025! I don't think anything cultural is stopping them. If there is something, then it's under the control of men. It's not something I can do anything about. Nor, the majority of posters on here, who are women.

If it is, it's a bit like telling people to go off-line and touch grass. if we are adults, at some point we have to take responsibility for ourselves, our actions and the media we consume. This is not specific to men or women. Even if you look at this board, if someone posts things that show clearly they have been consuming a bunch of crazy online stuff, they get told to touch grass very quickly.

You have consistently talked about this as if you think everyone should agree that this is a problem. I don't claim to be an expert, but I'm not sure it is a problem. And as many posters have said, there are resources set up for men specifically.

It's strange you say that, I've found the opposite. I'm generalising of course, but young to middle aged women I find often are very expressive at any perceived level of pain, men I find (more so older ones, granted) tend to grimace and feel they mustn't "make a fuss,". I think we're really cruel to men as a general population.

Couple of posters have mentioned men and friendship. There's a nice conversation here that you might be interested in. Those of you looking for male role models for kids might want to look at this. But generally, it's a good conversation about friendship. Maybe of interest to men and women.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=CNBxIhxHHxM&pp=0gcJCdgAo7VqN5tD

It’s not ok to be abusive to anyone. True. It’s not helpful to make sweeping judgements about any group of people. True.

White men however, are not a protected group, precisely because they hold so much privilege. As a group, there is no comparison to those who experience discrimination based on their protected Characteristic. You really can’t compare it.

I also think this is true

I have lots of male friends and they are all kind, decent men. They express their emotions well. I've seen a good proportion of them cry. They've kept long term friendships and prop each other up. They call each other on the way to work and in their lunch breaks. In exactly the same ways as my female friends. None of these men are hot guys but all have wonderful, intelligent girlfriends/wives.

The discourse online that men can't open up, are all lonely, have societal pressure to not display emotion is just not true, and I think is often a reflection of mens misogyny and anger towards women rather than an accurate depiction of reality. Most men I know do have community, friendships and support and are frequently emotionally vunerable.

Im child free by choice Im now in my early 50s. I went for a job interview back in 2004 Got asked by the male interviewer if i was planning to have children. I said no and that i didnt want them. He asked if i was frightened of responsibility. I got offered the job and had no choice but to take it as i was sent there by the Job Centre who arent known for being champions of equality. In the late 90s when both DH and i were sighning on they took me to one side to sign an agreement saying i would do part time work. DH had to sign no such thing.

What a horrible and sensationalist generalisation about "men" as a group

Let's replace that shall we with, I dunno, say Muslims. "If Muslims stopped bombing people we might accept them " . Crass isn't it ? It's no more acceptable to generalise in the first example as it is the second.

You've drank the kool aid I'm afraid. "You can't be racist to white people " that's untrue. We're brainwashed now to take that as fact.

"White males are especially privileged" untrue. (See above )

This division helps nobody.

In 2025 females and people of colour are not lawfully discriminated against In UK countries- in fact there is moreso positive discrimination occuring. I'm not even bothered really about it, although I do think job should be given on merit, not because someone has wet their knickers that a black women has applied.

The only true privilege that exists really today is wealth. Wealth buys things, wealth attracts status and equally wealthy friends, business partners and associates. Money talks. All the rest is utter bullshit that we've all swallowed.