I really hate the neighbour’s intrusive - AIBU?

[Refvs]

Just to point out I do believe in not telling anyone your plans before you trying to do something - I know not everyone is superstitious but I 100% believe this. This neighbour who I hardly know has been quizzing me on an exam my child is doing. It’s very competitive, I have spoken to this woman about 2x in my life, the kids play together about a few times a week for not long just bike riding around the block - I am with them every time. Today I left DD for no more than 5 minutes just to let the Gardener is the house and then upon arriving saw the neighbour talking to my DD she then quizzed me who tutor is and what schools we applying for etc. I remained very vague unknown to me she also quizzed DD when I was gone - DD told me when we got home.

I know not everyone is superstitious but this is a big thing for us and I’m annoyed this woman knows so much about our plans when I know nothing (I don’t really care either) about her daughters plans or anyone else.

can someone please help me out this in perspective. I don’t know why I’m annoyed maybe I felt she was intrusive, maybe I feel she’s going to jinx it, maybe I feel it will be competition for my dd or maybe I’m just annoyed that I spent a lot of my time finding this tutor and tried many awful ones till I actually found a good one and she knows who it is. My DD said she asked her to type into the phone the name and address of the tutor and she did find him. I know it sounds petty but I when I was asking for recommendations everyone stayed quiet and I got no help. So these could be the resins I’m annoyed. I sound crazy dont I 😂
can anyone understand how I’m feeling.

I know, on both counts. I used to feel that someone wishing me good luck would jinx me.
You have a competitive parent OP. I had one at primary school. Our girls were the youngest in class. One morning, I arrived to find this woman going through my daughter's exercise books to see her marks. I didn't hold back! Try it.

I had someone like that. She didn't like me but wanted to know stuff. At first I told her and felt used and annoyed. Then I started telling her wrong things, that worked well! If she pulled me up on it I'd say, oops sorry! She stopped asking me. However I do share info with friends! Just tell her to ask the tutor as you can't remember. Tell daughter to stop telling her everything and just reply," I don't know, ask my mum" from now on!

Totally get where you are coming from. I do like to help people, however I've noticed some people just take and take and never help or share anything back. I've since become a bit more cautious. I still help people and I will share some things even if I feel their taking advantage of me because I know it may benefit, but I don't share much about my private life anymore except with a small group of family/friends. Have had to teach my children the same. Some people are just users and nasty and you should protect yourself from them.

But letting someone copy your homework is a choice. I used to let one of the most terrifying girls at my rough school copy my maths in return for her implicit ‘protection’ (I was dreadful at maths, so I think she felt it was more credible than if she copied from a maths prodigy). I stand over the decision more than 30 years on, because it got me through school relatively unscathed. (And the copier died in her thirties from an overdose after two prison sentences, the poor woman.)

I wouldn’t share the information, if you don’t want to, but you can’t prevent someone asking. You can only decide how to respond to someone asking. It’s always a choice.

Once you are out of the ridiculous insanity that is the 11+, you'll realise that it doesn't really matter which tutor and which books because different things work for different people. Also, her DD won't be competing with yours for a place so who cares how she goes about her preparation?
. If you want, you can be quite vague, "Oh I just got the standard 11+ books off Amazon", or "We found the tutor on this website".

Also, please don't let your DD know you would be embarrassed if people knew she sat the exam and didn't get in. There is no shame in missing out on a highly competitive exam you sit at 10 years old.

I think it is sneaky and underhanded for an adult to ask a child a question that they wouldn't ask the parent. Going as far as to get your DD to help her find him in her phone.

I don't like adults that do things like this. I think you should always go through the parents and let kids be kids. On the surface she's "just asking about the tutor", but actually, she waited until you were gone and then began asking your DD questions.
I wouldn't like this at all.

Are you scared you’re dd won’t get in so you’re bit telling her? A bit like not telling everyone when your driving test is?

It sounds like she jealous that you’ve got all this in place for your daughter and she’s worried that your DD will succeed and hers won’t, so she’s trying to copy your strategy. I think I’d be annoyed too as she’s using you. I’d ignore her texts and tell your DD not to answer her questions. It’s competitive and you want your DD to have the best chance. Good luck to her.

I get it OP. One of my children who is 6, is doing v well at a sport. They have been getting lots of recognition for this. I have parents coming up to me who have ignored my attempts at hello by the school gates for 3 years 'demanding' to know where my dc trains, how they got 'spotted' etc etc. Its awful. They want the contacts details of the scouts etc. The sport doesn't work like that. You cant just rock up and blag your way in. My dc is really shy and I hate how parents walk up and quizz them at school, parties etc. One mum is particularly awful, she was rude to me for years yet now she wants my dc around for a sleep over 🙄. Hell nah

Your reaction is over the top. I assume your daughters sessions with the tutor are booked so it makes no difference it's not like her finding this tutor means your daughter isn't able to get sessions. Is she asking you to mind her daughter on the bike? If not yabu to expect gratitude it's up to her to decide if the activity is safe if you don't want to be looking after her child don't!

You sound deranged. It’s normal conversation and it’s slow normal to recommend good tutors.

“Please don’t interrogate my daughter again. I am very wary about complete strangers knowing our business. As for the resources you asked for demanded, I think that it’s best if you do your own research to find what you think will suit you best.”

I really feel you are over thinking the whole thing.

Oh yes, we had this with one of my DC. I took great delight in replying to one parent exactly as you describe who wouldn't give me the time of day until my DS was doing well at football. I said "well the main reason he has progressed is because he's actually good at football" 😂

You need to reflect on why you want to gatekeep the tutor from helping another child. You don’t want that sort of thing to rub off on your daughter.

Neither you or your daughter should feel ashamed of trying for something and not succeeding. That sort of attitude, success = pride / failure = shame is sooo toxic and can do a lifetime of damage.

I say this as a child of parents with this life view and am unpicking this via therapy and self exploration. It sounds like you may need to do the same, I feel for you, it is really hard, but you can start with your child. You can encourage her to be proud of herself and hold her head up high for all of who she is, even if sometimes that may not be conventional 'success'. Most importantly she should be happy and feel worthy of love (her own, yours and the world) whatever her academic or other achievements.

It's pathetic.

OP is saying I had a shit time so should everyone else and even though I have information that could make it so someone else doesn't have a shit time like I did, I'm keeping it. Let them suffer.

The DCs aren't even in the same year.

Any adult who does that is pathetic, unempathic and immature.

Your assertion that 'even decent people' wouldn't share the information is the most bizarre bit about this.

What's your definition of 'decent?'

I'm sure that's exactly how you speak to people in real life 😅😅😅

That's not true. Results are adjusted. My DD is July born and passed her exams so dont stress over their age.

Don't give this woman any information and ignore her .messages. also tell your daughter to stop giving strangers Information.

Its absolutely ridiculous for a person you dont know to be asking about tutors and prep... this is very individual and personal choice and I wouldn't want this information being shared.

I also get the superstitious thing.

Good luck to your kid! It will ebay tough summer for them but I hope you get the results you hope for! ❤️

Why does it matter if she is a friend. Altruism doesn’t have to be limited to people we are friends with. You can be kind and helpful to others too.

I was worried I'd been a bit harsh there, but honestly, I get every feeling you're having.

It's a bitch of a couple of years that really drag out. First the test prep and worry, then the wait for results, then the months of waiting to see if your child got a place - I guess, with hindsight, I wish I'd been a lot more chill about it!

What I would say is, now that all of the kids are well into year 7 and parents are chatting about schooling, it seems like all of them are settled and, arguably, in the right place.

For a long time there everyone's focus was on just getting in, but looking at it now, a few of the kids who's parents forced them to do it would have really struggled at grammar but are happy at high school. Of the couple who just missed out, one is loving the sporting facilities of a private school while the other is flourishing in the praise and rewards that come with being one of the highest achievers in top set (whereas those rewards might not have come if surrounded by full classes of other high achievers in grammar). The couple that got in, including DS, are happy and finally surrounded by other boys like them.

I guess what I'm getting at is that in the end they are all happy and are where they are meant to be.

Hopefully you have both good grammars and high schools around you where DD can flourish whatever happens.

The 11+ isn't the be all and end all and really one of the best things I think DS got out of it was the realisation that he can achieve when he revises and that he has a love of learning.

Kids who know that will do well anywhere.x.

Ignore it. If she asks you face to face, just go vague and say oh yes you probably have a list somewhere and you’ll dig it ouy. Vague, vague vague. Your daughter also - vague oh my mum has a list she’ll dig it out for you. I’ve had this - and thd people who pump for info are always thd ones who never share

Yes it's very annoying but presumably DD has been chatting about it and didn't realise it was something you hadn't wanted her to speak about. It's very underhand of the neighbour to ask DD direct and I would definitely be annoyed about the way she had gone about it.

I also understand why you may want to keep it under wraps if there is a chance your DD may not pass.

Yes, you sound crazy.

I would find it rude if a neighbour who barely acknowledged me when our children talked a lot then suddenly started asking me for advice when she wanted something. Taking out the specific topic, it’s rude.

Add the fact that this isn’t someone asking me casually for something I can respond to easily, like legal advice when I’m a lawyer, so that’s easy. But someone asking me for information when I’ve taken the time and effort to research that with time and they’re trying to skip that stage, when we’re not even friends and you can’t normally bear to be nice to me.

Many women will openly say that the mean girl suddenly wanting to know where your perfume/dress is from gets met with a “oh I can’t remember” because she doesn’t deserve the advice 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️