I really hate the neighbour’s intrusive - AIBU?

[Refvs]

Just to point out I do believe in not telling anyone your plans before you trying to do something - I know not everyone is superstitious but I 100% believe this. This neighbour who I hardly know has been quizzing me on an exam my child is doing. It’s very competitive, I have spoken to this woman about 2x in my life, the kids play together about a few times a week for not long just bike riding around the block - I am with them every time. Today I left DD for no more than 5 minutes just to let the Gardener is the house and then upon arriving saw the neighbour talking to my DD she then quizzed me who tutor is and what schools we applying for etc. I remained very vague unknown to me she also quizzed DD when I was gone - DD told me when we got home.

I know not everyone is superstitious but this is a big thing for us and I’m annoyed this woman knows so much about our plans when I know nothing (I don’t really care either) about her daughters plans or anyone else.

can someone please help me out this in perspective. I don’t know why I’m annoyed maybe I felt she was intrusive, maybe I feel she’s going to jinx it, maybe I feel it will be competition for my dd or maybe I’m just annoyed that I spent a lot of my time finding this tutor and tried many awful ones till I actually found a good one and she knows who it is. My DD said she asked her to type into the phone the name and address of the tutor and she did find him. I know it sounds petty but I when I was asking for recommendations everyone stayed quiet and I got no help. So these could be the resins I’m annoyed. I sound crazy dont I 😂
can anyone understand how I’m feeling.

Yes you are.

Get a grip.

You're wanting to gatekeep because you're worried her DC will pass and yours won't and then you'll be embarrassed.

This is all about you and the pressure you're feeling about a kids exam.

I would ignore her requests and not engage full stop in any shape or form with her.

no, not even a little bit

Apart from sounding like perhaps like you just don’t like her, for the sake of neighbourly relations, send her links or names of two books and two websites. They don’t have to be your favourites but she won’t know that.

The mean girls have turned up 🙄

Yes, I understand how you are feeling, this woman is not entitled to know your business. You could quite reasonably say to her "I don't want to get into it" or more pointedly "I would avoid personal questions"

Yes, it's perfectly normal to ask children & parents about which schools they're applying to & about their tutors/tutoring.

In your place, I'd be annoyed at someone with whom I've had so little interaction looking for me to hand over all my info - particularly if her child were competing against mine for a place.

It sounds like you just have quite a begrudging stance on it. The girls are not even in the same year, there is no competition on the places they are offered. The hours you have spent you would have spent regardless, same with the money. It wouldn’t make a difference to the outcome for your dd if you chose to share it. I think if I had a neighbour who was as paranoid and begrudging I wouldn’t be particularly warm either.

I had a neighbour like this. She would only speak to me when she wanted to tap me for information on schools and exams. Everyone who knew her from my kids classes had the same story.
Her kids were younger.
I ended up selling her all the old 11plus material.

YANBU. She sounds like a CF.

I love helping people, and generally find most people are eager to help back. Why do you think she won’t help you? Have you asked? Clearly she couldn’t help before as it sounds like she’s only now thinking about this. If your neighbours with similar age dds who may go to same school I’m sure you’ll require her help sometime. Or be rude and she’ll be right to be cold towards you.

This isn't quite the same, but...

I have a next-door neighbour with whom I'd had very little interaction. (In fact, when I first moved in, she was a bit mean to about one thing...but that was years ago.)

My husband died towards the end of lockdown. After things had eased up a bit, I became aware that the neighbour's husband was dying in hospital. She was using buses to get there. She has two grown sons. One has never been able to drive; the other was given his dad's car failed to tax and insure it. It was crushed.

I felt sorry for her and offered to drive her to and from hospital. I was still in a terrible state myself over my husband's death and didn't want to see someone else suffering more than they had to.

I'm cutting this short, but - after it was all over - the neighbour suggested that I needed to get myself out of the house: I could take her and the neighbour on the other side out for daytrips...It would do me good... (The other neighbour is also a bit older than me and distinctly unfriendly. I really don't know her at all, apart from the fact that I used to take her bin back in for her.)

I recall that I coped with that by failing to react. She gave up after a few attempts.

I don't see how the neighbour can jinx it because I don't believe in that nonsense. YANBU to tell your daughter not to give personal information to people she barely knows.

Why are you supervising your 11 year old daughter and her friend playing outside your houses. Seems a bit OTT. If she is going to senior school soon she needs to get used to being outside alone. Maybe the neighbour thinks you are overly cautious and paranoid

"Dear neighbour, Thank you for the interest you have shown. I am sure you will understand when i say that this is not something I feel comfortable discussing and would prefer that you not quiz my child either
Thank you for you understanding"

Why are you being so nasty??

As a parent whose child went through the 11+ process, my best advise is this - chill the feck out and at the same time pull your big girl pants up!

The 11+ is stressful enough without you getting so wound up. It is, honestly, a shit time. You'll be doing yourself a huge favour if you just accept that it will be what it will be and that the opinions of others don't matter.

MOST kids don't get in. That's a fact you need to become comfortable with. In our area, 4-6 times more kids sit the test annually than are places available in all of the grammars combined across the county. It's brutal and you need to prepare yourself and your DD for those odds.

It's also common for other parents to be 'affronted' by your assumption that your child is good enough, for a slew of other parents to then throw their kids into the mix and demand details of tutors, for some to get very competitive and others to be shitty with you or hope your child fails.

Horrible, but STANDARD! The likelihood is that most or all of the kids DD knows that do it won't get in. When our DS did it there were 7 of them in his class and 2 got in and hence the discomfort between parents continued for months after, in fact some are still a bit shitty about it years later.

The good news is that the kids tend to deal with all this way better than the adults do!

You could drive yourself mad with all of this, OP. Better to focus on DD and help her to be as ready as she can be.

Haven't they just! Such lack of manners and social skills and zero emotional intelligence or empathy, perhaps they'd do well with a communications consultant.

Her daughter is 7 and mine is 9! I’m not being OTT as I have my 3 year old on his bike too.

I would have a quiet work with your neighbour and blame the reluctance to talk about prep, exams etc on keeping the pressure down for DD, act nonchalant, we are considering options, following what’s a good fit, no decisions have been made yet blah blah

Two of my children are at quite competitive grammar schools and also do a very competitive sport which is notorious for gossip, nosiness dressed up as friendly chat and jealousy, especially when they get to a certain level. I just don’t commit to any conversations involving comparisons. Any game talk of strategies are spoken about behind closed doors.

Im friendly, will listen, make the right noises etc but I just refuse to engage.

Thank you. It’s just a lot of competition. My daughter is a summer baby so will just be 10 when she does it whereas a lot of her friends will be much older so I feel she’s disadvantaged already

I agree totally such lack of manners not engaging with a neighbour then suddenly being all chummy when she wants something. I’m glad you get it 😂

I get you.

I'm apart of a culture that heavily believes in evil eye and not telling anyone anything until it's done.

I find it awkward when people ask questions even though I know it's innocent and sociable to ask stuff , I feel conflicted inside!

Dear Pushy Neighbour,

Thank you for your interest in Jessica’s education.

There are many resources and materials available online that are tailored to different learning needs.

We recommend doing a quick Google search to find information that best suits your child's unique learning style, as every child’s educational needs are different.

We’ve put a lot of thought into personalising Jessica’s learning materials to support her, and unfortunately, they wouldn’t be directly useful to your child.

Additionally, Jessica may not even be sitting the 11+ exams as we are considering local secondary schools such as [insert names of local schools], which have been highly recommended to us.

I hope this helps, and I wish you the best of luck with your own search and decisions for your child’s education.

Warm regards,
OP