I really hate the neighbour’s intrusive - AIBU?

[Refvs]

Just to point out I do believe in not telling anyone your plans before you trying to do something - I know not everyone is superstitious but I 100% believe this. This neighbour who I hardly know has been quizzing me on an exam my child is doing. It’s very competitive, I have spoken to this woman about 2x in my life, the kids play together about a few times a week for not long just bike riding around the block - I am with them every time. Today I left DD for no more than 5 minutes just to let the Gardener is the house and then upon arriving saw the neighbour talking to my DD she then quizzed me who tutor is and what schools we applying for etc. I remained very vague unknown to me she also quizzed DD when I was gone - DD told me when we got home.

I know not everyone is superstitious but this is a big thing for us and I’m annoyed this woman knows so much about our plans when I know nothing (I don’t really care either) about her daughters plans or anyone else.

can someone please help me out this in perspective. I don’t know why I’m annoyed maybe I felt she was intrusive, maybe I feel she’s going to jinx it, maybe I feel it will be competition for my dd or maybe I’m just annoyed that I spent a lot of my time finding this tutor and tried many awful ones till I actually found a good one and she knows who it is. My DD said she asked her to type into the phone the name and address of the tutor and she did find him. I know it sounds petty but I when I was asking for recommendations everyone stayed quiet and I got no help. So these could be the resins I’m annoyed. I sound crazy dont I 😂
can anyone understand how I’m feeling.

In simple terms - she's asking for help.
You obviously don't want to help.
It's sad really.

This comment sounds pretty hostile to me. Would you have told her the tutor's name had she asked? The tutor might be glad of the recommendation, you know.

We had a nosy person..school crossing patrol, in fact and she would gossip ..like telling everyone in the local shop that could hear that my youngest had to be from an affair because his dad went to sea, on a trawler. My son was standing behind her at the time. He was 5. Sadly 🤗 his dad was home most nights, but nevertheless, she was annoying. Called the RSPCA on me for having thin dogs…greyhounds 🙄😂

Anyway, my 5 yr old was given permission to tell her, and her alone, to mind her own business if she asked him anything in future. Which he did, and told me about. Even children should be taught to set boundaries rather than be targeted by nosy neighbours who know they won’t get away with quizzing adults

I’m sorry, but I believe you may have misunderstood. I’m referring to the posters who have labeled you as mad.

Oh I see! Sorry x

Exactly. And you don’t have to answer questions just because someone asks. Perfectly possible to just say ‘Oh, I’m sure you don’t want to hear all these dull details!’ and switch to the weather.

I feel you are right to be annoyed, she should not be quizzing your young daughter about this. We had a neighbourhood shopkeeper who did this to me when I was a child, I innocently blabbed stuff which my parents would rather not have shared. My parents explained that I shouldn't tell her stuff, but light heartedly made jokes about it. 'Tell her nothing' and 'let her buy a ticket!' became the refrain, whenever I went to the shop!

She is rude and you shouldn't be afraid to ignore her requests for information, and to warn your daughter.

Do you fully understand the process? The 11+ is a standardised test, which ensure that being summer-born won't put your daughter at a disadvantage.

I'll say you do sound a tad tetchy. 🙄

Of all the exams the 11+ tends to bring out the crazy in people because it is competitive and brings out that side. Tutors are like gold dust and fought over any form of useful revision material highly sort after and any practice exams dates filled incredibly quickly!

it is also incredibly harsh as well on those that fail.

DD is in Year 11 at Grammar and I still get asked about tutors!

I assume OP believes its bad luck to 'count your chickens before they hatch'... its a pretty common thing.

People don't like to share news that isn't set in stone until they know everything is going safe and smooth and they don't have too.

Its not nice to be interrogated, have people know your business or have people say insensitive things IF things go wrong (and most people do put their foot in it, especially nosy gossip types).

And yes the birthday bit gets evened out

But the only behaviour you can change here is your own. Whether or not your neighbour is nosy is not within your control, only how you respond to that nosiness.

I get it OP. Ultimately, your business is your business and you don't have to tell her anything about anything.
You don't like her and her quizzing you or your daughter is getting your back up because she hasn't attempted to be friends with you or share the day to day niceties so why should she then try to benefit from the hard work you are putting in to researching tutors etc? You feel used maybe?
You are too busy to reply to her text. You don't owe her your time or knowledge if you don't want to share it. But don't fester on it. No need. If you see her and she asks why you haven't replied, very breezy "Sorry, crazy busy at the moment!' and that's it.
Good luck to your DD. 😀

If they’re not the same age then why on earth does it matter if she knows the books or tutor? There’s no competition.

Have some self-awareness and get a grip of yourself.

Yes you're being ridiculous.

I understand your annoyance but if this is for grammar school, you’re both trying to game the system by using tutors, so using your privilege to gain advantage over other people’s DC so you’re both as bad as each other imo.

Sorry but you are very odd. Your child is going to feel immense pressure regarding this exam.

Yeah, she’s using you for info and isn’t even polite or thankful about it. The grilling needs to stop, for starters. The best way is to tell her that you have been very careful to apply no pressure on your child and that you don’t want her to keep having to answer questions about exams when she’s playing etc. Tell your daughter to answer ‘I’m not sure’ or ‘I don’t know’ or where possible. As for books etc, type in something to Amazon and whatever comes up first, tell her that. Then she gets nothing from you that she wouldn’t find herself.

I think asking a 7 year old for information is most inappropriate although I’m baffled as to how a child of that age could provide full name, address and phone number. Maybe message her saying you would prefer her to ask you for any information she is looking for and then direct her to any generic websites that exist and give vague answers about differing learning styles.

Surely any good tutors will be fully booked anyway?

However as I say, it’s most inappropriate to ask a young child for this information rather than her parents.

OP haven't you irretrievably jinxed yourself by announcing your aspirations to the entire internet?

You resent her because she’s only communicating with you when she wants something, and is otherwise unfriendly. Why should you help her out? I’d feel the same, but if you know her dd then I’d probably share for her sake and not her mother’s. It’s not as if she might end up taking a space your dd could have had, if they are in different years.

She’s a CF.

Is it actually about control maybe? You have had to make the effort to find a good tutor, and it feels like your "territory" that your DD is having lessons with this tutor?
i get that this private arrangement may feel as though it has been intruded upon by neighbour and that it feels uncomfortable.
Don't engage with this woman, don't reply to messages, and keep walking if you see how, with just a throwaway Hi over your shoulder, so you don't get into conversation with her.
Teach DD not to answer her or anyone else who asks nosey questions.

OP, I get it. You got no help from anyone and had to find the tutor yourself. Now, a person you barely know is trying to get information from you, which you got by trial and error.

I don't know if posters are being stupid/naive or are deliberately trying to wind ypu up. They SAY that THEY would share information. From what you have experienced, even decent people would not share the information with you.

This is like spending ages doing homework and then letting someone you barely know, copy it. I am sure a lot of posters won't understand this either. They will say, we are adults. Why is she talking about school.😂

Just try to teach your daughter to be vague about cheeky questioning in future. A great thing would be to say 'why do you want to know' or I would NEVER ask this' . I have seen people repeat the question back to the cf and start laughing., then changing the subject.

OP, I’m not surprised you’re annoyed with the bloody woman.

She’s made zero effort with you before but now you have something she wants (tips and information), she’s hassling both you and your daughter for it.

Teach your daughter that it’s ok to ignore her and not answer her questions. I’ve taught my DS that it’s ok not to respond to intrusive adults if he doesn’t want to.

As for the text, I’d ignore it completely and block her. Don’t feel obliged to reply, apologise or explain yourself. You owe her nothing.