I really hate the neighbour’s intrusive - AIBU?

[Refvs]

Just to point out I do believe in not telling anyone your plans before you trying to do something - I know not everyone is superstitious but I 100% believe this. This neighbour who I hardly know has been quizzing me on an exam my child is doing. It’s very competitive, I have spoken to this woman about 2x in my life, the kids play together about a few times a week for not long just bike riding around the block - I am with them every time. Today I left DD for no more than 5 minutes just to let the Gardener is the house and then upon arriving saw the neighbour talking to my DD she then quizzed me who tutor is and what schools we applying for etc. I remained very vague unknown to me she also quizzed DD when I was gone - DD told me when we got home.

I know not everyone is superstitious but this is a big thing for us and I’m annoyed this woman knows so much about our plans when I know nothing (I don’t really care either) about her daughters plans or anyone else.

can someone please help me out this in perspective. I don’t know why I’m annoyed maybe I felt she was intrusive, maybe I feel she’s going to jinx it, maybe I feel it will be competition for my dd or maybe I’m just annoyed that I spent a lot of my time finding this tutor and tried many awful ones till I actually found a good one and she knows who it is. My DD said she asked her to type into the phone the name and address of the tutor and she did find him. I know it sounds petty but I when I was asking for recommendations everyone stayed quiet and I got no help. So these could be the resins I’m annoyed. I sound crazy dont I 😂
can anyone understand how I’m feeling.

Thank you @Dangermoo that’s true!

😂 She’s already got the info from DD! I think she’s double checking her sources!

The problem with the whole thing seems to be that she's cold and hostile towards you. I'd have no problem sharing helpful info with anyone who was generally warm and friendly (even in a 'competitive' context) but I might feel a bit used in this context.

I would tell her that I was not happy that she quizzed your daughter and to respectfully leave your daughter alone. If she wants to know what books etc she can research as I'm sure you did.

No. You’re right to be annoyed. She has barely spoken to you before and now is demanding stuff. I know my friend in UK took ages finding the right tutor for her child then when she told a few people suddenly people were asking/demanding to share the tutor or to provide the details of the work they were doing.
I would tell her that it is work sheets provided by the tutor who has requested they are not shared.
Cheeky cow.

That’s perfect I think you’ve summed it up. Sorry I feel unable to express how I’m feeling and I think that’s the reason I do feel used, I just realised her DD is a year younger in school years do she’s got a head start in her prepping!

Well if she questions it, say 'Oh did you ask DD about it? She must have got it wrong'. Be unreliable and she'll stop asking you questions.

If you have such an issue with her why did you give her your phone number ?

‘Hey neighbour,

Thanks for your message. I hope you understand, but I’m quite private when it comes to my daughter’s prep and plans — it’s a personal choice and something that’s really important to us as a family. I’m sure you’ll appreciate that everyone has their own approach, and we’ve just chosen to keep things quite low-key and focused on what works for us. Wishing you and your daughter all the best with everything!’

Exactly! I spent so much money finding the right tutor. I wasted many hours researching and thinking I found a good one just to find they were absolutely rubbish.

People have irrational feelings all the time. It’s how you act on them that matters. FWIW I don’t agree with PP about giving your daughter a dressing down for sharing the name of her tutor. Unless you had previously asked her not to share it with anyone, she hasn’t done anything wrong.

I didn’t, it’s on the street WhatsApp

Well just block her.

I think the truth is I don’t necessarily like her as I feel she doesn’t like me and she’s quite rude the few times I’ve tried to engage in small talk and today cos she wants something she was being so lovely and chatty

I don't get it, why don't you want her to know what tutor and resources you used?
It would help her daughter, and doesn't hurt you at all, so what's the problem?

I totally get where you’re coming from — I have a daughter sitting the 11+ too, and that kind of neighbour would piss me off to no end. It’s not just about the tutor or the books — it’s the fact that if things don’t go to plan, we’re the ones left having to answer all the awkward questions and deal with the sympathetic “awws” like a public announcement of failure. I’d feel exactly the same — it’s a big deal for your child and your family, and you have every right to keep it private. You’re not crazy at all!

There's so many CFs like her about. I can understand how you feel about doing all your own research for her to expect to benefit. Agree with pp who said be honest about your boundaries and not share any materials. If she's normally shitty with you anyway, she's going to carry on like that after you've helped her.

You sound a little mad tbh

Ignore the message. She makes you uncomfortable. The more you engage, the more you will fret/overthink this.

Do you think you'd be happy to share the info with someone you've liked, who has been decent to you? Is it the gear changein attitude from this particular person that's irritating you?

If she's been standoffish with you and now all sweetness and light, she's playing games probably to get info she wants.

There is a Book called “may cause nuts” about the 11+. Which I assume is the exam you are talking about. Admit I never read the book, but it sums up this period completely. your neighbour, indeed you, are going a bit nuts here. Some years down the line, you’ll see this for what it is.

Back to now: Just ignore the neighbour or give a small amount of info. If her child is younger than yours then why not help, there’s no competition. Then again she does sound madly annoying, has overstepped one of your boundaries by quizzing your daughter, and you clearly dislike her, so I’d just grey rock her. Basically ignore. You are not obliged to help.

They both do.

What culture is the woman from? I think some cultures can be very abrupt and if you don't like it, then you simply ignore her.

This would irritate me as well OP. I realise it might not sound rational but its not as much the information itself (which is readily available on the internet anyway), its more the entitlement of asking questions and it feeling intrusive. My SIL asks all manner of questions and answers none herself and over the years, I have felt angry, upset, frustrated and irritated by her.

Block her phone number so she can't contact you again.
Don't say hello to her anymore and don't offer to take her daughter cycling.
Tell your daughter to reply to questions with a standard 'ask my mum' reply.

The competitiveness you're feeling is probably a result of the high stress you're feeling for your daughter too. as well as some inner resentment that you had to find this information out for yourself through trial and error and this neighbour will not have to do the same. In reality though, you will have asked for recommendations for clubs and health services from others and its not that different.

I think you're being crazy, yes. Is that helpful at all?

You're right. It is petty.

you're being really weird I'd cut back on the Gardner & find a good therapist.

I feel you are also teaching your daughter some very unhelpful lessons on adult interactions; do you want her growing up with your very odd attitudes?