To ask if anyone has advice on the mess I’ve got us into.

[Littlevioletflowers]

I’m not sure there is anything I haven’t thought of tbh but just posting for a bit of support. Please don’t tell me how stupid I’ve been financially as I now know and am just feeling quite despondent.

5 years ago I moved down to London for an amazing new job with a big organisation. Me DH and two younger DCs (teens)

It really was amazing at first. Loved the job, and one of the great benefits was a shared ownership scheme where my employer, in recognition of the fact property is very expensive here, helps you buy a house by going in 50/50 with you. Our plan was to eventually at some point increase the mortgage so we could own the whole property. Bought an absolutely gorgeous house which felt like a dream after years of renting that cost £600k (this is relevant) so fairly small and basic for London standards but a haven for us - kids can put up posters, paint the walls in the colours they want, we can have a pet and invest in the garden.

Then my boss left and I got a new boss who is awful. I won’t go into detail but I’m pretty sure she wants rid of me and has form in another part of the organisation for managing people out. I’m so stressed about working with her that I’ve actually started to perform badly and make stupid mistakes - I feel sick when I wake up on a work morning, worry all weekend and on days in the office go in feeling so anxious.

If my situation were different I’d just get another job. I work in an industry where there are lots of jobs at my level and when I’m not feeling sick with stress I’m actually pretty good at my job. The problem is that if I leave we have to buy my employers share out (300k) within two years and we just would not be able to do that. We spoke to a mortgage advisor and the absolute best mortgage he can get is is £550k which isn’t enough to buy my employer’s share. We have no access to a further £50k, I’ve tried to think of everything short of onlyfans!

What makes it worse is that our house was recently valued at being less than what we bought it for, otherwise I’d think about just selling it, taking half the profit (as per the deal with my employer) and buying something cheaper, We love our house so much and I really thought it would be our forever home but have accepted it probably won’t be.

I just feel so awful about uprooting the kids and moving again, potentially to a rental, as I doubt we’ll make enough money on any sale to buy again. We absolutely scrimped and saved for the deposit and lawyers fees for this one.

My friend told me at the time not to enter into the scheme with my employer and I just wish I’d listened.

Sorry @MincePiesAndStilton but this is really not good advice:

Start replying to the nasty teams messages; “Hi Boss. It makes me feel really undermined and devalued when you point out minor grammatical errors in my messages. Can I ask why you feel the need to do this and is it something you are doing with others? Is it relevant to the quality of my work?”

Because effectively this would be saying that @Littlevioletflowers doesn’t care about these ‘mistakes’ - which gives her bullying manager more ammunition.

No advice , but you have absolutely not done anything wrong. You were trying to do your best for your family like we all do.🌻

Additional time to buy out your employer is something you might be able to negotiate with an exit package.

Keep calm. Keep making copies of her corrections (you’ve mentioned commas), tasks and keep your notes of your interactions. Do your work and try to rebuild your confidence.

Do not let her manage you out unless you actually get something in return.
inform yourself about your rights (even if it costs you a few hours with a solicitor) as an employee and a house owner.

Get out asap
take the step down
this will not end well

Why should you leave though ? Arm yourself with information by talking to ACAS abiut the correct processes that you should take to fight back in the most effective way. Constructive dismissal is hard to win so talk to ACAS about how and when to make records make a grievance etc so that if the time comes you could fight back against unfair dismissal if it comes to that. Are you a member of a union ?

Can you get a new job with a higher salary? Moving jobs is the best time to negotiate an increased package. You wouldn’t need much more to make up an extra £50k of mortgage debt. Only around £15k more.

Tell her you're going to record your teams meetings so you can refer back to them, writing detailed notes makes it harder to fully engage in the discussion. Having a recording for your use would be really helpful.

Anything unreasonable she asks you to do verbally, either ask her to confirm in email, or make a habit of emailing her immediately "just to confirm our conversation just now; you want me to x by y date and I raised concerns that I'm also doing a and b so you told me to prioritise a. I'll keep you updated on progress on all 3 projects."

There are very few lines of work left where grammar actually matters - if the bullying line manager is making a fuss about something that is irrelevant to the quality of OPs work, it shows a pattern of victimisation which is important in a tribunal scenario 👍

Eh? You’re joking, right?

I get the loss of confidence thing. When I mentioned this to one of my friends she said it was there still, it was just hidden. As is yours.

It does a number on you and yours is compounded by your home situation.

As much as I don't believe HR are there for individuals they really wouldn't it to be known that they didn't exercise a duty of care about this. A well regarded member of staff with children forced out and her home at risk, can you imagine?

But another thing in your favour is that you've recognised it for what it is. You're not so ground down that you cannot see it and his forbid if it happens again you'll see it much earlier.

I don't get it. Bosses like yours get good short term results but long term it costs the company a fortune as they lose talent and high achievers deliver less.

I think you'll be fine. I know it doesn't seem like it but you will be.

I had a boss like that..and felt like that it's so horrible you feel so alone when you have to walk through the door in the morning...is there someone who cd tell her to back off? ❤️

I must have the same boss as you.
I am making more mistakes because of her , but I do wonder if alot of it is due to brain fog and menopause.
Can you go to.citizens advice or see a solicitor?

So give some examples. Cos people can't go on like this. Does she have genuine reason to be on your back, like this is not meant to an arsy comment, but if the situation is that bad you need to sit and reflect about the truth of what's happening. Wfh its easy to take the mick. I'm self employed I put everything off I am not judging just saying take a long hard look and say is there something here that's causing my own downfall and if so then rectify it sharp even if you can only take 50/50 responsibility, put your bit right. And if after proper reflection you really feel that she is causing the whole problem and just a mad bastard then take the bitch on and fight her. If you lose and end up having to move at least you will have fought. And even if you put your but right shes still on your back then you can fight her from a clean corner you will knownypur are doing everything to the best of your ability and can take her on and not be scared of her xxxx

Any news? @Littlevioletflowers

this sounds like you work for one of the investment banks, they're known to treat people like this.
can you ask for an internal transfer. if you've been doing this role for 5 years, it could just be time for a move. check the company job bank, you're entitled to apply for those roles and it easier to take on an internal hire

are you a member of a union? If not, is there a recognised union you could join at your work? They might be able to help you.

My advice is to look into joining a union NOW! If you wait for her to take the actions to manage you out it will be too late. If you've already been keeping proof of her nit picking and as you said your performance has only gone down hill since she joined so she won't have much to go on.

Don't uproot your life for someone like her OP!

Get a free app such as Voice Recorder downloaded onto your phone. As each meeting starts hit the record button, this will capture your Teams meetings audio pretty well and be a backup to your written notes (but she won't be aware (that is if you wish to avoid overtly recording the Teams meeting)).

Usually the person who created the meeting has full access to the recording but invitees might not (meeting recordings are stored on OneDrive nowadays; she could delete a recording or refuse to give you access, plus recordings do expire).

If it does come to a PIP, acknowledge it thru email, amend unrealistic dates or outputs to realistic ones etc with annotations / Comments, send it back to her BCC to your personal email address. Where there aren't documents like this involved, just conversations or comments made or tasks assigned, email after "Dear X, following our catch up today, we discussed the following and you suggested/asked me to..., as I responded during the meeting, these were my comments" (you get the gist).

In cases like this, with people like this:
Rule 1 - document, document, document
Rule 2 - CYA (cover your arse 😁).

You got this OP!

Manage this situation with actions that don't involve you taking on more load. Not only will more load see you make more mistakes, it will steal from your kids and your partner. You can't stand still - you either go forward or you slide back. Invest in the garden.

Whike you're there, share the stress of your work situation with your husband. You are a team. A problem shared is a problem halved or something. Give him a card that says "I need you to listen for 15 mins so I can vent about work. Here's a diagram showing everyone's names and roles. Just listen even if i seem to be asking you a question. I will be a VERY grateful young woman." If he needs more instructions write them in permanent pen in the white hexagons on a cheap football.

Regarding the kids, an easy mistake parents make with teenagers is not giving them room to make mistakes. Every month hand over another small responsibility to them and talk about how well they are doing with the others..

To understand the situation at work better, find your old boss and over lunch talk about your situation, focussing on the new boss. Your old boss is a mine of information about the view from where your new boss is at. They can suggest what the business may be wanting from her.

It's hard too go through this but you were ready for this. You were called up to where the big girls play and its no longer about who is or isn't nice to you. It's a contact sport but it's not personal - or try not to let it get so. In this place you can't afford to be a person who is stressed, worried, insecure and messy. Your brand is fresh, positive, organised and effective. That is a person ready to do a day's work and then leave with a bounce in her step.

When you look back at this time you will acknowledge that unexpected things happened that you had no control of. More were good than bad. Focus on what you can do and leave the outcome to what will be.

What the 😂😅

If it was bought for £600k five years ago, why don’t you have any equity in your half? If you’ve been paying it off?

OP, you could check to see if you can get insurance to cover the financial ramifications that you might lose your job. (A version of ~ critical illness cover say)
Obviously, this wouldn't cover you leaving your job, but it would cover you being let go. So, If possible & feasible pay for this type of insurance.

Worst case scenario: you choose to pay for insurance that you never end up using, but it gived you peace of mind, that uber bitch doesn't manage you out of your job & your 'forever' home simultaneously.

Better case scenario: uber bitch manages you out of your job, you get a fat redundancy pay off, an insurance pay off on this policy for 1/2 (or all) of your mortgage, a possible constructive dismissal settlement, and a 15% pay rise when you go working for one of the competitors who have a nice boss to manage you there instead.

P.s. you've made your decisions for the right reasons to date, so keep your cool, know that most crises can be opportunities!!

Good luck OP!!

As others have said, absolutely go to HR. They can't take sides. Tell them exactly how you feel, show them your evidence (the notes you've made). Explain how your mental health is suffering and you're close to breaking point. They have to support you. Your employer has a duty of care to you and you're being bullied. Really hope it works out for you. X

Did it read as stupid? Be honest