To ask if anyone has advice on the mess I’ve got us into.

[Littlevioletflowers]

I’m not sure there is anything I haven’t thought of tbh but just posting for a bit of support. Please don’t tell me how stupid I’ve been financially as I now know and am just feeling quite despondent.

5 years ago I moved down to London for an amazing new job with a big organisation. Me DH and two younger DCs (teens)

It really was amazing at first. Loved the job, and one of the great benefits was a shared ownership scheme where my employer, in recognition of the fact property is very expensive here, helps you buy a house by going in 50/50 with you. Our plan was to eventually at some point increase the mortgage so we could own the whole property. Bought an absolutely gorgeous house which felt like a dream after years of renting that cost £600k (this is relevant) so fairly small and basic for London standards but a haven for us - kids can put up posters, paint the walls in the colours they want, we can have a pet and invest in the garden.

Then my boss left and I got a new boss who is awful. I won’t go into detail but I’m pretty sure she wants rid of me and has form in another part of the organisation for managing people out. I’m so stressed about working with her that I’ve actually started to perform badly and make stupid mistakes - I feel sick when I wake up on a work morning, worry all weekend and on days in the office go in feeling so anxious.

If my situation were different I’d just get another job. I work in an industry where there are lots of jobs at my level and when I’m not feeling sick with stress I’m actually pretty good at my job. The problem is that if I leave we have to buy my employers share out (300k) within two years and we just would not be able to do that. We spoke to a mortgage advisor and the absolute best mortgage he can get is is £550k which isn’t enough to buy my employer’s share. We have no access to a further £50k, I’ve tried to think of everything short of onlyfans!

What makes it worse is that our house was recently valued at being less than what we bought it for, otherwise I’d think about just selling it, taking half the profit (as per the deal with my employer) and buying something cheaper, We love our house so much and I really thought it would be our forever home but have accepted it probably won’t be.

I just feel so awful about uprooting the kids and moving again, potentially to a rental, as I doubt we’ll make enough money on any sale to buy again. We absolutely scrimped and saved for the deposit and lawyers fees for this one.

My friend told me at the time not to enter into the scheme with my employer and I just wish I’d listened.

If the house is worth less than you paid for it half that loss is your employers. Which is a good thing. I wouldn’t be buying them out and therefore taking on their loss as well as your own. Look at it as cheap rent for 5 years. Can you look for work in the North again? If you sell your house money will go a lot further there.

You’ve got nothing to lose at all here by trying to tackle this head on.

call a meeting.

document everything
phone ACAS for advice
see if you can get evidence of her behaviour in other ways
use your Union if you have one

I did not know this. Thank you, I’ll look into it!

Is there a wellbeing service with your organisation? I have one at my organisation and I got counselling really quickly for free. It may give you the tools and resilience to just get through the days at work. In your situation I would do whatever I could to stick it out. You need to try and get in the frame of mind were you just see work as a means to an end and don't let it impact your home life.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say don't go down the HR route, I've done it before, 3 x over 25 years with 3 different employers and it's never gone well.

I think your better off sitting tight and trying to manage your reaction to her. The person making the complaint even if it's well known she's a bully, always comes off worse, plus it's incredibly disruptive to your working day. You are made to go through loads of hoops and evidence everything, plus all the meetings and still do your work and work with her. I don't recommend it from experience. Unless you are feeling incredibly strong and can manage all the negativity in the workplace towards you.

I would grey rock her and try to stop caring about whether she's nice to you or not. I have had to deal with a very disruptive and difficult neighbour and I have felt a little better since I have been keeping super busy and not allowing myself to ruminate about it.

Put in a formal complaint You should have to uproot your entire life because of some Bullying bitch
Sounds like you work for a big organisation if they part own your property
Contact ACAS They're so helpful.

Shouldn't

If you bought the house 5 years ago have you not already paid off some of the mortgage? So you wouldn’t need a mortgage for the full £600k, it would be less than that?

HR are pretty good at seeing through people that are two-faced. That’s all I’m going to say. Their job is to protect the company, not individuals and that applies to her as much as you

Stick with the job, get your head down and work hard to alleviate the mistakes. It's only until you can buy your employer out, who knows that manager could leave.

You’re saying that this situation is uniquely awful but framing it like that is something of a red herring. People get trapped in jobs with bad bosses for many reasons including financial and logistical ones (think big international move where the employee has relocated their whole family, or kids in school with a discount, that sort of thing). I think you need to set aside the emotional ties with the house as the locus of your stress, and the idea about trying to raise £50k, and focus on the problematic boss bit.

Others have given good practical advice on tackling the bullying; the only other suggestion I have is get support for yourself (professional coach? therapist? supportive friend?). I can see how having your house tangled up in this adds to your perception of how stressful it is but really you’ve got a crap boss situation and that is quite common.

Also If they were prepared to stump up £300k to help you relocate to do the role, they must have wanted you. A lot. So it would be very foolish of them to lose you over some poor manangement. If it is a large organisation there will be solutions - redeployment etc..

What happens if they dismiss you ... do they buy you out?

Don't let her bully you out of your job and your home, continue recording incidents, she most likely has form for this sort of behaviour.
Easier said than done, I know.
Try for a transfer within the company.
Find other ways to relax outside of work for balance.
Best of luck. 💐

Don’t let this one person uproot your whole family’s life without a fight! 💪

@Littlevioletflowers If you’re (mainly) working from home, presumably your meetings with her are on Teams or Zoom? Do you record those? Then you will be capturing her outbursts/temper.

It's awful having this type of boss and the strain and anxiety it puts you under. It's good that you've posted here and I hope you feel a little less worried by the reassurance and because you realise there are things you can do.

I'm not sure how much you can do with a boss like that - she is how she is and maybe it's pointless bothering with trying to change her - but what you can do is start planning and exploring on the job transfer, house and financial side of things. You have time. Don't let her occupy the whole of your mind and energy. Even if the worst came to the worst and you had to leave the job, for whatever reason, you may be able to negotiate with the company re an extension of the two years, for example.

Get to grips with the terms and conditions of the mortgage and your finances generally and see what you could do there. How are your finances? Do you have savings? Can you both save and at what rate? How old are you: how much equity do you have in the house and what is the loan to value ratio? Depending on your age, could you extend the term of the mortgage to lower the monthly payments to enable you to save a good lump sum over the next two to three years while you sort out your employment? How much could you save in that time to put you in a stronger position to negotiate? Can you increase your earnings by doing some online sideline or casual jobs such as occasional childminding, or answering phones for example? Take in a lodger? (Rhetorical questions: I am not asking you to disclose your personal business). Do you have family that could help you out financially if push came to shove, by guaranteeing a loan, for example?

I don’t record the teams meetings and I think she’d definitely get her antennae up if I did though it’s something I’ll think about.

Somw great suggestions here on HE and finance and just coping in general and I am so glad I posted as I feel a lot better. Thank you everyone.

Try and make this the last Sunday, where you dread going in after the weekend. You've got one week to make a start x

I've not read the full thread so apologies if I am repeating somebody else, but is there an option of moving roles not via an internal job application, but more of a managed move to a different manager? That happens occasionally in my organisation when a manager and a report are not a good fit. Is there another person at your manager's level who you could talk to about this? Good luck xx

Take back control, send her an email to say, that you have felt she is being over critical lately so you have decided to record any zoom, team meeting interactions going forward.
Let her antennae do what it likes, while she is being recorded.

You’re not stupid—you made the best choice you could at the time for your family. The house gave your kids stability, and that matters.

Right now, your wellbeing has to come first. If the job is harming your health, it’s worth exploring HR support, union advice, or even a financial adviser with experience in shared ownership. There may be options you’ve not been shown yet.

You’re doing your best in a tough spot—and that’s nothing to feel ashamed of.

I know her type. She sounds like a dick. It's the micromanaging which grinds you down. I think openly record meetings. Bring an independent person into your 121 meetings, just be open about it. It is your right. Do you have a union? Can you get other people to join you on your complaint to HR? Does she have higher bosses you can go to? Don't let her win.

Put your big girl panties on, go to work, do your job and just defy anyone who says you aren't. Take your work hat off when you go home and enjoy, laugh a bit (if you can) that you have so much a one over on your employer and enjoy your fantastic house!

As horrible as it must be to work with this bully I would sit tight and just do your job to the best of your ability. Don’t be tempted to be managed out unless on your terms. If it affects your home it is even more important not to leave without establishing a way forward.