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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just be pissed off with DH for approaching sex in this way

60 replies

Generationgame9 · 05/06/2025 17:30

I don’t know if I’m giving him a short shrift, or if I’m right to be pissed off. We’ve been together 12 years, have a 3yo DD and currently going to fortnightly marriage counselling as we’ve been through a lot.

Sex has been on the back burner for a long time.. I think the last time was December, and we haven’t spoken about it since aside from saying in counselling we both want it, we’ve just lost our way. We agreed to go on a date night etc and slowly see where it goes.

Anyway today he was off. I’m WFH. I’m going through a lot at the moment, at risk of redundancy, my heads just a bit all over the place. He’s obviously in the mood, grabbing my bum as he walks past etc which he hasn’t done in a really long time.

I came down for a cup of tea midafternoon, and he says ‘let’s have a quickie’. I said I’m really not in the mood, and I’m upset that’s how you approach it after this long of not even speaking about it. He then follows up with ‘well just flash me then’. I’m really upset. Ffs. I didn’t, I just said I was going back up to the office. I just thought we were slowly rebuilding things, and now I feel like he’s not taking it seriously. I will speak to him later obviously, just needed to rant.

YABU - you’re being hormonal and a bit shitty
YANBU - that was a bit grim

OP posts:
LittleSoo · 05/06/2025 18:51

I think I would approach it like ripping off a plaster, go for the quickie and get that first time out of the way, it might get you both wanting more. I think the more it's dragging on, the more pressure there is and then does it have to be perfect etc.

This is just the approach I think would work for me to get over that initial hurdle of 'its been a while and don't know what to do anymore'.

Mt563 · 05/06/2025 18:57

I'd love this. It's funny and han fisted but at least he's trying. Don't think my DH even remembers what sex is or finds me at all attractive.

Init4thecatz · 05/06/2025 19:00

So it's been ages, he asked, you said no.

Yeah, I get there's always a 'right time', and you need to get in the mood, but he shot his shot and you rejected him.

I wouldn't be surprised if he withdrew and expects you to make the first move now.

Endofyear · 05/06/2025 19:06

He made a move and unfortunately got it wrong, but at least he tried. Have a chat when he gets home and make a plan together that gets you back into a more intimate place - maybe a nice dinner together, glass of wine, curl up together and watch a romcom, have a cuddle. It doesn't have to lead to sex but it's getting you feeling close again. Remind him that holding your hand, giving you a kiss and a cuddle, bringing you a cup of tea, are all things that make you feel loved and cherished. Do these things for him too ☺️

Mama1980 · 05/06/2025 19:13

On the face of it that is really grim but given the context it sounds like he was trying, juts clumsily and misread the situation. Maybe he though a ‘tear the bad aid off’ approach with a quickie might help. Obviously he got it wrong but he tried.
maybe instead of a chat kiss him this evening, explains you were caught unawares and panicked….then gently guide him as to how to approach you more suitably.

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 05/06/2025 19:20

Ponderingwindow · 05/06/2025 17:45

You both agree that your sex life isn’t working. He tried something. Was it perfect? Absolutely not. But he tried something.

if you can take a minute to acknowledge to him that you appreciate the effort, even though it didn’t really work for you, it will go a long way to improving your communication.

You both need to be able to try new ways of tackling this issue and some of them are going to fail. If the other person treats the attempts harshly, there is no hope.

I think this is well put.

Its hard to know what to do when it’s been so long. If he made a proper night of it, you then might feel too pressured 🤷‍♀️

Clumsy - yes, but thoughtless I don’t think so.

Tina294 · 05/06/2025 19:27

I think if this is the sort of thing he used to say and you were up for it then he's just doing what he knows and there's no reason to be pissed off.

I think you're at the point where you're over thinking everything and you just need to get it over with and get things back on track.

Put the redundancy aside for one night and seduce him the way you'd like to be seduced.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 05/06/2025 19:28

If only they realised if they just looked longingly and gave us a snog they’d get so much more.

Original poster
Generationgame9 · 05/06/2025 19:33

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the balanced views. I gave him a cuddle and a kiss and said it just took me by surprise, but that I appreciate that he made a move and I want to try again, just maybe less of a flashing situation 😂 so will see where the next week takes us - and maybe I need to step up to the plate and try next time.

Really appreciate it x

OP posts:
Cheffymcchef · 05/06/2025 19:35

yANBU, me and my bf have a healthyish sex life and I would not be impressed asking for a quickie or for me to flash him. Yer husband has been watching far too much porn. Which is understandable if he’s not had sex in so long,

Cheffymcchef · 05/06/2025 19:36

Just to say don’t force yourself to have sex w him if you don’t want to

boxofbuttons · 05/06/2025 19:36

I think if I were you I'd assume that - like you - he wants it and just wildly misjudged the vibe. Not ideal, but equally not a crime: it's an opportunity to communicate how you'd like to be approached now in this era of your relationship, an opportunity to talk about you saying you 'haven't made any moves yet' - do you know why? Is it the fear of it all being built up to be a massive thing? Because to me his (clumsy) come on was an attempt to avoid it seeming like too big of a deal so I'd maybe start with "Look I appreciate trying not to make it too serious but bloody hell pick your moments!"

namechangeGOT · 05/06/2025 19:43

Cheffymcchef · 05/06/2025 19:35

yANBU, me and my bf have a healthyish sex life and I would not be impressed asking for a quickie or for me to flash him. Yer husband has been watching far too much porn. Which is understandable if he’s not had sex in so long,

Where on earth do you get the impression he’s been watching too much porn? He’s tried, albeit in a bit of a clumsy way, to introduce some intimacy, that they both want, back into their relationship. They’ve already tried talking about it which seems to put pressure on OP and so maybe in his head he’s just taken the bull by the horns to get over the pressure of the first hurdle. Nothing at all to do with porn.

Superscientist · 05/06/2025 19:55

Generationgame9 · 05/06/2025 19:33

Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the balanced views. I gave him a cuddle and a kiss and said it just took me by surprise, but that I appreciate that he made a move and I want to try again, just maybe less of a flashing situation 😂 so will see where the next week takes us - and maybe I need to step up to the plate and try next time.

Really appreciate it x

How did he respond?
Hopefully it can be the spring board for you finding a route out albeit a clumsy spring board!

Original poster
Generationgame9 · 05/06/2025 20:00

He actually apologised and said he knows I have a lot on my mind at the moment and that it wasn’t great. We had a kiss, and it was nice ☺️ I hope we find our way back.

OP posts:
S0j0urn4r · 05/06/2025 20:04

@Generationgame9
You're both willing to try which is half the battle.
Fingers crossed for you 🤗

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 05/06/2025 20:14

At least he is still keen. You don't want it bro get to the stage where he stops trying. That will be hard to come back from and he will stop if he keeps getting knocked back and you never initiate. It sounds like you have had a good talk which is a start. Actions speak louder though. Good luck for next week.

JLou08 · 05/06/2025 20:21

There's nothing wrong with you not liking that.
There's also nothing wrong with your DH trying a different approach to get your sex life going, especially when you have both said that you want it to improve.

countingthedays945 · 05/06/2025 20:56

He’s just made a clumsy attempt to be close. I wouldn’t overthink it.

londongirl12 · 05/06/2025 21:10

Me and DH love a bit of lunchtime sex when I’m wfh. So much easier than in the evening when we’re tired, full from dinner and have to be quiet as DS is around. Maybe he was just trying to be spontaneous.

notimeforregrets · 05/06/2025 21:12

Bloody hell it sounds like hard work all around. What next week? You can try again tonight, you know. I understand the responsive desire thing but how long does it take for you both to get in the mood? I don't think anybody asked but do you actually fancy him? Do you want to have sex with him? Can you not say "right, we're doing it tonight no matter how awkward and clumsy it is", have a glass of wine and just do it? If you both want it, what's stopping you?
Are you satisfied with the relationship and do you love your DH?
Its very difficult for me to comprehend that you can love someone, be with them and not want to have sex. And maybe I am biased because after getting out of the dead bedroom (for many years but still least I wasn't fooling myself that my relationship was good) and I know what number it does on the self esteem and I will never again tolerate the situation like this.
So, maybe, a glass of wine, music on, lights off, knickers off and just have fun and enjoy the ride ;)

OrlandointheWilderness · 05/06/2025 21:32

Cheffymcchef · 05/06/2025 19:35

yANBU, me and my bf have a healthyish sex life and I would not be impressed asking for a quickie or for me to flash him. Yer husband has been watching far too much porn. Which is understandable if he’s not had sex in so long,

God you’d hate us… I’ve been known to bellow ‘fancy a shag!?’ Down the stairs to DP! 😂

he’s tried OP. In a daft clumsy manner! Sounds like you have the potential to go there, just need to connect. Can I ask - do you actually have a sex drive currently? Sometimes I think it’s the best thing to have a drink and just get on with it - it’s not rocket science, just sex!

Cheffymcchef · 05/06/2025 22:39

OrlandointheWilderness · 05/06/2025 21:32

God you’d hate us… I’ve been known to bellow ‘fancy a shag!?’ Down the stairs to DP! 😂

he’s tried OP. In a daft clumsy manner! Sounds like you have the potential to go there, just need to connect. Can I ask - do you actually have a sex drive currently? Sometimes I think it’s the best thing to have a drink and just get on with it - it’s not rocket science, just sex!

Show quote history

I mean my partner has said similar in jest, but the flashing thing just gives me the ick. I used to have an ex who grabbed my boobs and went “honk honk”

Original poster
Generationgame9 · 05/06/2025 22:49

Well, this thread has taken a wild turn.

Spent a while thinking about this today, and realised I’ve made so so many excuses not to over the last 6 months when really I am the only thing standing in the way. I was going to reply saying it’s not that easy to just go for it.. but then I thought actually, it might be? I now know where DH’s head is (albeit in a stupid way), so tonight instead of doomscrolling, I put the phone down and it happened..after 6 months of feeling poles apart, we were on the same page, and it wasn’t awkward.

I genuinely think if I hadn’t posted here I’d have spent the night angry at him, but now it’s the complete opposite.

Thank you MN. We still have a long way to go, but we’ve made it past what felt like this huge first step.

OP posts:
Cheffymcchef · 05/06/2025 22:50

Generationgame9 · 05/06/2025 22:49

Well, this thread has taken a wild turn.

Spent a while thinking about this today, and realised I’ve made so so many excuses not to over the last 6 months when really I am the only thing standing in the way. I was going to reply saying it’s not that easy to just go for it.. but then I thought actually, it might be? I now know where DH’s head is (albeit in a stupid way), so tonight instead of doomscrolling, I put the phone down and it happened..after 6 months of feeling poles apart, we were on the same page, and it wasn’t awkward.

I genuinely think if I hadn’t posted here I’d have spent the night angry at him, but now it’s the complete opposite.

Thank you MN. We still have a long way to go, but we’ve made it past what felt like this huge first step.

aww I’m so glad. Hope you guys have a good night.