AIBU to not want to host DH's friend on my own?

[VitaSays]

Several weeks ago DH invited a friend of his from out of the area to come and stay for a long weekend so that they could go together to some local rock-climbing and hiking events. These activities are something they both enjoy. I've met the friend briefly once before and he seems okay, but he was very quiet with me and noticeably more comfortable talking to other men. DH's set-up suited me: they'd be out for much of the day and I wasn't required to assume much of the social burden of entertaining.

Now, DH has been asked to attend a conference that will take place over two of the four days his friend is due to be here. DH doesn't actually need to go but wants to because of the professional contacts he'll be able to make. We've had a falling out because he's assumed that I'll be fine hosting his acquaintance on my own. He's all 'He'll be fine, he'll just go off every day and do his own thing. You'll barely notice he's here.'

Even if he does go out during the day, I'm going to have to spend evenings with him and I really don't want the pressure. Having someone here one-to-one is so much more intense than sharing the burden with DH.

DH has stomped off to bed accusing me of being unreasonable and saying that this guy has been looking forward to this weekend for months and that I'm ruining everything and that I'm getting incredibly unsociable. I think that's partly true: I'm getting older and I'm more fussy about who I put myself out for. We have great friends who are always a joy to see, but I don't think this man is ever going to be one of those. AIBU?

Has your DH actually spoken to his friend yet? I would be bloody mortified at thought of spending 2 days staying with my friend's partner (male or female!) who I barely knew. And I would 100% rearrange the weekend or stay in a hotel the days friend was away.

Will your DH give him a set of keys, or are you expected to be home to let him in? Will you have to cook him meals or will he prep his own food in your kitchen? Will you share a bathroom? Will he come home late and disturb you? Some people act like having someone to stay is no big deal and it drives me loopy because every time I've had a house guest they've required a certain level of being taken care of, no matter how much they or someone else has said otherwise. It's a massive PITA.

I'd flatly say no and if DH doesn't back down take yourself off to a nice hotel for that weekend and leave the pair of them to sort logistics.

I don't think it is unreasonable for him to stay in a hotel for a couple of nights and then come on to you when husband returns. Your husband needs to explain that he would rather go to a conference while he is visiting and that you have already made other plans.

None of those things have been discussed because DH was going to be the person to handle most of it and I didn't need to be involved. I usually do the majority of the cooking so I would have planned and prepped something to eat each evening unless they'd made other arrangements, but that was it.

I agree entirely that having any guest, unless it's someone who comes so often it's a second home to them, involves stress. Even if it's just the need to ask questions (What time do you need to be up in the morning? What do you prefer for breakfast? Will you need a packed lunch to take out with you? What are your plans? When do you expect to be back? How are you going to get to the station? I was planning to make a lasagne: is that something you'd eat or not?) and establish expectations.

Sounds like your dh needs to skip the conference. I am sure there will be another one at some stage.

He is being unfair to you both. On you for expecting you to host and on his friend.

Its hard to decide who your dh is most disrespectful of. You or his friend.

Sounds like as well as dumping his friend, he hasn't even told him yet. 🙄 just assumed everyone would accommodate his absence...

I have a feeling that the situation will resolve itself when your DH actually tells his friend about the conference. I think his friend is going to bow out as he doesn’t sound very outgoing and will be unlikely to want to stay or do these activities without your DH.

Get your DH to tell his friend ASAP!

Has it been said that she is? He's a mate of one of the homeowners (her DH). He can be told to make his own arrangements re food/drinks.

How would that possibly work? Of course OP will be expected to host! No one would feel comfortable ‘doing their own thing’ in someone else’s home when they’re there.

OP, if you DH refuses to cancel the conference and insists his friend can stay at your house while he’s away, I’d be checking into a hotel or off to stay with a friend for 4 days.

Make up your mind! You say you’re hospitable but now you’re saying guests should just do everything for themselves! Not even a cup of tea for a guest? Even that’s hosting, you know?

Your husband is breathtakingly selfish.

He's changed the goalposts on his friend (how can he go climbing on his own?), and is making you out to be the unreasonable one? And for his own gain?
Imagine being the friend in this situation- being invited to do activities but then your husband fecks off to network. Awful