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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to host DH's friend on my own?

135 replies

VitaSays · 04/06/2025 23:16

Several weeks ago DH invited a friend of his from out of the area to come and stay for a long weekend so that they could go together to some local rock-climbing and hiking events. These activities are something they both enjoy. I've met the friend briefly once before and he seems okay, but he was very quiet with me and noticeably more comfortable talking to other men. DH's set-up suited me: they'd be out for much of the day and I wasn't required to assume much of the social burden of entertaining.

Now, DH has been asked to attend a conference that will take place over two of the four days his friend is due to be here. DH doesn't actually need to go but wants to because of the professional contacts he'll be able to make. We've had a falling out because he's assumed that I'll be fine hosting his acquaintance on my own. He's all 'He'll be fine, he'll just go off every day and do his own thing. You'll barely notice he's here.'

Even if he does go out during the day, I'm going to have to spend evenings with him and I really don't want the pressure. Having someone here one-to-one is so much more intense than sharing the burden with DH.

DH has stomped off to bed accusing me of being unreasonable and saying that this guy has been looking forward to this weekend for months and that I'm ruining everything and that I'm getting incredibly unsociable. I think that's partly true: I'm getting older and I'm more fussy about who I put myself out for. We have great friends who are always a joy to see, but I don't think this man is ever going to be one of those. AIBU?

OP posts:
Macklemup · 05/06/2025 09:12

Your husband is a CF assuming your time is his to dictate.
Very rude of him.
I wouldn't dream of tolerating this and my husband wouldn't dream of doing it.

Even worse he has a strop when you say No.

YANBU. Dig your heels in.

I would think your husband behaviour is completely unacceptable.
Controlling and a bit bullying.
Put your foot down.
Is this part of a pattern?

If so, its not good. Time you got very upset.

LittleMonks11 · 05/06/2025 09:13

GuevarasBeret · 05/06/2025 08:51

It does seem like between the pair of you, you have rather forgotten the guest, who may have his own thoughts. Has anyone deigned to include him in the decision making, or was it just assumed by DH that he would not feel awkward without so much as a by your leave, and you just assumed that he wouldn’t pick up on your feelings and prefer to make his own choice/ arrangements.

Perhaps guest would prefer to arrive later/ leave earlier to avoid being around you. Perhaps he’d rather leave it until next time, perhaps he can now go out with others from the activity group, or visit relatives. Perhaps he’d rather do any of several options, if only one of you would stop being so bloody wet and actually talk.

Jeez Louise

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 05/06/2025 09:15

Marmalady75 · 04/06/2025 23:22

So you are being unreasonable not wanting to host his friend solo, but he is perfectly reasonable pissing off for 2 days??? Right. I see. YANBU Your DH is completely unreasonable and he needs to give his head a wobble!

This.100%

Monstersfromtheid · 05/06/2025 09:16

There is no way I'd want to have some bloke I barely knew staying in my house when I was alone there. And since it was just dumped on you OP, I'd be inclined to be away myself that weekend. Does he often do stuff like this?
(Taking you for granted then throwing massive strops when you don't go along with it, kind of stuff?)

pinkfondu · 05/06/2025 09:16

Your dh is the one bailing on his friend

Fluffyc1ouds · 05/06/2025 09:18

Your DH should really tell his friend to arrive after his conference and visit for the 2 days instead of 4. Surely that solution would suit everyone. Perhaps the friend would actually prefer this if he knows your DH isn't around? I wonder if he'd be happy staying at yours when he hardly knows you.

Original poster
VitaSays · 05/06/2025 09:21

Then the friend would miss all/ most of the activities he was invited to come and participate in.

OP posts:
Bollihobs · 05/06/2025 09:23

I think you could do worse than show your DH this thread - the overwhelming 'no bloody way' vibe does at least give you the 'see, it's not just me' line.

Your DH seems very lacking in basic consideration of the fallout of decisions and choices he makes - you are his wife and an equal partner in your home and shared life and any decisions that involve those things. You are the not the bloody housekeeper!

He seems to want carte blanche to do as he pleases in all aspects - he's not even being fair to his friend here, buggering off for a 2 day conference even though friend's visit was already arranged. Is he generally this self centred and selfish?

DH needs to speak to friend, explain his choice re conference and give friend 2 choices, don't come at all or come but stay somewhere else.

And when that's sorted you and he can have much needed talk about selfishness and entitlement over consideration and respect.

Daleksatemyshed · 05/06/2025 09:24

At the very least your DH should contact his friend and tell him his plans, he might be as uncomfortable as you and prefer to come just for the 2 days DH is at home. Your DHs the rude one, if he had to go to the conference that's different but it's his choice

Ponoka7 · 05/06/2025 09:25

I wouldn't see this as hosting him. I'd see it as him using your place as a base for the events. He might have been back at yours only because your DH was and might now be thinking of having an evening in a pub etc. Where I'm from we tend to be hospitable, though. Also, we don't fo all this 'hosting' we have people stay and they take us as they find us and vice versa.

Bollihobs · 05/06/2025 09:26

VitaSays · 05/06/2025 09:21

Then the friend would miss all/ most of the activities he was invited to come and participate in.

Repeat after me "That's not your problem!"

DH caused this. All of it. End of.

nomas · 05/06/2025 09:28

Your DH doesn’t get outsource his social obligations to you, he is master of his own diary and needs to manage it himself.

nomas · 05/06/2025 09:32

Ponoka7 · 05/06/2025 09:25

I wouldn't see this as hosting him. I'd see it as him using your place as a base for the events. He might have been back at yours only because your DH was and might now be thinking of having an evening in a pub etc. Where I'm from we tend to be hospitable, though. Also, we don't fo all this 'hosting' we have people stay and they take us as they find us and vice versa.

Of course it’s hosting him, OP will be expected to provide meals and drinks.

nomas · 05/06/2025 09:32

VitaSays · 05/06/2025 09:21

Then the friend would miss all/ most of the activities he was invited to come and participate in.

Then DH either cancels his networking thing or friend gets a hotel/air bnb.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 05/06/2025 09:37

Really rude of your husband to happily dump his friend for something else he'd rather do.

First commitments take priority unless the new thing is absolutely something you can't get out of, which isn't the case here.

Expecting you to cover his back is absolutely not on.

Chamomileteaplease · 05/06/2025 09:37

Can't the friend now stay at an AirBnB or Premier Inn as local as possible and only stay with you on the nights your dh is home? I assume your dh is doing at least some of the weekend?

As PP have said, we have no idea how the friend feels about it all!

If dh isn't happy about the staying somewhere else for some of the friend's stay, he shouldn't be going away!

rainbowstardrops · 05/06/2025 09:40

Firstly, there’s no bloody way I’d be hosting him on your own. End of.
Secondly, if I was the friend, I’d be pretty pissed off that your partner has invited him and wanted to spend time with him but is now bailing. That’s bloody awful!
Your partner doesn’t need to go to the conference and you 100% don’t need to host someone you barely know!
Tell your partner to sod off

Original poster
VitaSays · 05/06/2025 09:41

Ponoka7 · 05/06/2025 09:25

I wouldn't see this as hosting him. I'd see it as him using your place as a base for the events. He might have been back at yours only because your DH was and might now be thinking of having an evening in a pub etc. Where I'm from we tend to be hospitable, though. Also, we don't fo all this 'hosting' we have people stay and they take us as they find us and vice versa.

Oh — so because I'm not up for looking after a stranger, alone, in my home you're now suggesting I'm not hospitable?

We had several people round for supper on Saturday night — around the kitchen table. I don't do all that best china and candlelight malarkey. And on Tuesday we invited a neighbour whose wife is away to come round and share supper with us. But because I used the word 'hosting' you think I'm inhospitable?

OP posts:
GuevarasBeret · 05/06/2025 09:42

VitaSays · 05/06/2025 09:08

He's not my guest. I haven't invited him. DH invited him without checking with me and then told me he'd be coming. Fait accompli, which I accepted because DH was going to be here and could do most of the hosting stuff. None of this has been my choice or been run past me before it's been decided.

You say
if only one of you would stop being so bloody wet and actually talk.

We have talked at some length and ended up arguing about it. Please stop being so bloody insulting.

Show quote history

The pair of you have not spoken to the man. That’s what I mean by wet.

And it is obvious you and your husband have really not spoken to each other, so much as at each other.

AcquadiP · 05/06/2025 09:48

So basically your DH is saying you should be alone in the house for 2 days and nights with a man you don't know from Adam? No way would I agree to that.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/06/2025 09:51

He’s being totally flakey. He has a prior commitment which he is now trying to get out of and using you to alleviate his guilt about letting down his friend.

Tell him to man up and disappoint his friend if he wants to go so badly.

gannett · 05/06/2025 09:52

Poor show by your husband - both to you and his friend. You can't invite someone to spend 4 days with you then bail on him for half that time! I'd be hugely pissed off if I was his friend - and it sounds like the friend is as comfortable with enforced social contact with the OP as she is with him.

The correct thing for him to do would be to say no to the conference because he already has commitments at that time - or, if his career is more important to him than his friends, he should tell his friend he can't host him any more because the work thing's come up.

That said in the OP's position I'd be OK with hosting the friend on my own, as long as it was understood that there would be minimal actual hosting: no meals together, no running around catering to him, no expectation of any real social time with him. Get the basics in like milk and coffee, then go about my life as normal and leave him to fend for himself. I don't think that'd be hard and it also sounds like it's what the friend would prefer.

I also don't think the friend being a bit quiet is enough of a personality defect for me to veto hosting him. (If he was a chatty type I'd be more reluctant!) Could well be an opportunity to get to know him if he's awkward in social situations. Or obviously if you've no interest in getting to know him that's fine too!

mummytrex · 05/06/2025 09:55

Even if you did know and like him yanbu.

GuevarasBeret · 05/06/2025 09:57

LittleMonks11 · 05/06/2025 09:13

Jeez Louise

Show quote history

Jeez Louise indeed,

Hi Peter, I / (CF-H)need to have a quick chat about next weekend, I’ve been invited to Very Important Conference and you know what it’s like with these things, so I’ve decided to go on the Friday and Saturday. Unfortunately, OP isn’t going to be here on those days and I wonder if we could somehow juggle things around.

I don’t know if your preference would be to come on Saturday so that we meet here in the evening, or whether that leaves it to short for you. There are loads of hotels local if you still want to take part on Friday. Or we can move the weekend to another time.

Anyway, let me know what your general thoughts are, and we will sort something out.

Ta,
CF-H

easy fucking peasy … and most importantly NOT WET.

Nanny0gg · 05/06/2025 09:57

Your husband has had a better offer and now he's ditching a previous arrangement. Nice

Also, is there any way you could go away that weekend? It's very rude to invite someone without discussing it with you first. I hope you're not rushing round getting everything ready for him? And your husband can change the bed after too.