AIBU to not want to host DH's friend on my own?

[VitaSays]

Several weeks ago DH invited a friend of his from out of the area to come and stay for a long weekend so that they could go together to some local rock-climbing and hiking events. These activities are something they both enjoy. I've met the friend briefly once before and he seems okay, but he was very quiet with me and noticeably more comfortable talking to other men. DH's set-up suited me: they'd be out for much of the day and I wasn't required to assume much of the social burden of entertaining.

Now, DH has been asked to attend a conference that will take place over two of the four days his friend is due to be here. DH doesn't actually need to go but wants to because of the professional contacts he'll be able to make. We've had a falling out because he's assumed that I'll be fine hosting his acquaintance on my own. He's all 'He'll be fine, he'll just go off every day and do his own thing. You'll barely notice he's here.'

Even if he does go out during the day, I'm going to have to spend evenings with him and I really don't want the pressure. Having someone here one-to-one is so much more intense than sharing the burden with DH.

DH has stomped off to bed accusing me of being unreasonable and saying that this guy has been looking forward to this weekend for months and that I'm ruining everything and that I'm getting incredibly unsociable. I think that's partly true: I'm getting older and I'm more fussy about who I put myself out for. We have great friends who are always a joy to see, but I don't think this man is ever going to be one of those. AIBU?

Why are you making this OP’s problem? There is no pair, she did not invite him!

I am guessing that your DH knows that he has messed up but rather than admitting that, he is behaving like a petulant teenager.

His mess, he needs to sort it.

So basically your DH invited his mate to stay for four days, his plans have changed and instead of rearranging with his mate, he can’t be bothered. He isn’t concerned about you feeling awkward hosting a guy you barely know or your safety, having an unknown male alone in the house with you. No, it’s all about the inconvenience to himself and how if they miss this long weekend, he’d have to plan the activities if he cancels and avoiding looking like a cock for making other arrangements overlapping his plans with mate.

OP does have agency.

Unless she does something, she is totally going to get landed with (a) hosting the weekend and worse (b) a track record for putting up with it when her husband shits on her.

The guest is totally not OP’s problem, but her selfish, boundary overstepping husband most certainly is.

If it was negotiated and I could have said no if I wanted to, then I’d be fine doing that (I might suddenly remember I had plans for one of the nights-so sorry, please make yourself at home!) But if it was expected undiscussed then no.

@VitaSays has your dh contacted his friend to tell him that he wont be around for at least two days? does he still want to come given that it appears that he will be going out with a bunch of apparent strangers as well as sleeping in a stanger's house who happens to be the opposite sex??? it is quite inappropriate to be honest!

I'd be furious with your Dh. not just on your own behalf, but his friend's. I bet the friend doesn't particularly want to spend two days with you either - he came to see your DH.

I'd tell your Dh that you're not entertaining this man you barely know. If he wants to still come for the full 4 days, he's welcome to stay in the house but you won't be looking after him but you really don't know why he'd even want to come under those conditions.

And then I'd suggest that you plan to meet a friend for at least one evening and work late the other.

Have you ever encountered the Rules of Misogyny? The First Rule of Misogyny is:

1. Women are responsible for what men do.

I've used my agency to say no to the arrangement my husband made without consulting me.

If he wants to still come for the full 4 days, he's welcome to stay in the house but you won't be looking after him but you really don't know why he'd even want to come under those conditions.

No, I'm not going to behave passive-aggressively and inhospitably towards someone I don't know simply because my DH has dumped them on me. It's not this guy's fault that DH is an ass.

I'm not nervous of this man and I'm not scared of being alone in the house with him — which other posters have tried to project onto me.

There are some absolute (and fucking rude) weirdos on this thread

I think you are being completely reasonable and would in no way be up for this.

I'm honestly surprised the friend would still WANT to come, unless he is literally thinking of you as the equivalent to a hotel receptionist or air bnb host whom he will only have to have minimal interaction with (which itself supports his possible issues with women) ignoring the fact that this is your home!

How would your DH react if you expected him to host your mother or a female friend of yours be doesn't like for a few days? And that's without the cultural context of male/female potential danger.

If the friend can manage to travel unaided and spend days at this event then he is also capable of booking a hotel if he wants to attend. Or he can rearrange to a different time and they'll just have to organise themselves. Or dh can refuse the conference. Lots of options, not your problem to solve.

I'd tell my DH to make it clear I wouldn't be "hosting" but his friend would be welcome in my house -they'll just have to do their own thing, and I'll be either working or out in the evening.

Total non-issue

How would your DH react if you expected him to host your mother or a female friend of yours be doesn't like for a few days?

If the friend was coming specifically to see ME, he would ask me what the heck I am on about.

WHEN (because it has happened) friend needed a place to stay in London and I would never not offer my house instead of a hotel, he just made sure they had a key.

I don't think it's ever unreasonable for a woman not to want to be alone overnight with an unrelated male she doesn't know well. @VitaSays has stated she has no particular safety concerns herself but it would be perfectly reasonable if she did.

If I were this bloke, I doubt I'd even want to come under the circumstances, or at least, stay with the OP. The situation would feel a bit awkward, even if he wasn't inherently awkward to begin with.

I can’t believe some if these replies! Of course OP isn’t being unreasonable. Her DH is. He invited a guest for four days without clearing it with OP and then has planned to bop off for half the visit for a better offer leaving OP in charge of hosting. I would tell dh he must reschedule his friend.

What planet does your Dh live on. Hes a massive CF. He cba to host but he recons your being unreasonable ?.. right. what a twat.

This. I’d feel really pissed off if I was the friend. Clear that his priorities are work not friends and family especially when he doesn’t have to go.

I would have thought a couple of compromises could take care of this situation quite nicely. You agreed to host the friend on your own for one night. DH leaves the conference early on the 2nd day, perhaps at lunchtime, so is able to pick up hosting from that evening onwards. Both DH and the friend don't miss this very organised event, which if that is your hobby and interest, sounds like a good weekend. However, dh does need to recognise that you are helping him out enormously. And he doesn't seem to be getting that part yet

Agree. Your husband is being a shit friend on top of being completely unreasonable to you.

So?

OP, correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like the friend may also not be thrilled with this new plan either? If he's a quiet guy and who is a bit on the shy side with women, he's going to be equally dismayed at the prospect of having to make awkward small talk one on one with the wife of his friend, when he was expecting primarily to be spending time with your DH?

… but as of this morning, he’s still coming? There isn’t actually any change of plans, as far as I can make out.

You are still taking responsibility for your husband’s emotions/sulk/huffy-puffy, but avoiding taking decisive action.

If he doesn’t make contact ASAP then you are going to have to demonstrate that on this occasion and going forward you are not going to cave.

Next people will be suggesting you leave your house for the few days to accommodate this man🙄.

Yanbu.
Your husband is a rude CF.

This has reminded me of something I read about arsehole men,......you get to see their real character when you say NO to something.

This is your husbands real character.

Ok but does he know? DH needs to speak to him.

Why would OP need to speak WITH her husband. She doesn't want to host his friend and has said so. She is not starting a negotiation she is laying down a boundary. Her husband needs to sort his own problem out.

Of course he should.

but OP is dealing with reality on the ground, and CF will get his way by doing nothing. Relying on other people to do the right thing will always be abused, again OP must take decisive action, or accept that she is reinforcing that she will accept being run over roughshod.