AIBU to not want to host DH's friend on my own?

[VitaSays]

Several weeks ago DH invited a friend of his from out of the area to come and stay for a long weekend so that they could go together to some local rock-climbing and hiking events. These activities are something they both enjoy. I've met the friend briefly once before and he seems okay, but he was very quiet with me and noticeably more comfortable talking to other men. DH's set-up suited me: they'd be out for much of the day and I wasn't required to assume much of the social burden of entertaining.

Now, DH has been asked to attend a conference that will take place over two of the four days his friend is due to be here. DH doesn't actually need to go but wants to because of the professional contacts he'll be able to make. We've had a falling out because he's assumed that I'll be fine hosting his acquaintance on my own. He's all 'He'll be fine, he'll just go off every day and do his own thing. You'll barely notice he's here.'

Even if he does go out during the day, I'm going to have to spend evenings with him and I really don't want the pressure. Having someone here one-to-one is so much more intense than sharing the burden with DH.

DH has stomped off to bed accusing me of being unreasonable and saying that this guy has been looking forward to this weekend for months and that I'm ruining everything and that I'm getting incredibly unsociable. I think that's partly true: I'm getting older and I'm more fussy about who I put myself out for. We have great friends who are always a joy to see, but I don't think this man is ever going to be one of those. AIBU?

Either DH cancels his conference or cancels his friend coming, or the third option that friend gets an Airbnb or travellodge for those 2 days and DH hosts for the other two days.

But I wouldn't host by myself either so YANBU.

Can't he ask someone else in this local outdoors club to have his friend to stay on the days that he is away? If the friend has been to local events already he must be acquainted with some of the members.

I would imagine your husband’s friend will think he’s very rude if he is away whilst he visits.

Tell your DH to let him know he now has a work commitment he can’t get out of!

This. What a crazy setup!!

How much "hosting" is needed? Sounds like friend has plenty to be getting on with and just needs a place to sleep whilst being out and about.

There's one night he's there without OH. If it's a weekend night, I'd be tempted to go out with friends and leave him to do his own thing.

“Tell your DH to let him know he now has a work commitment he can’t get out of!”
This seems to me to be eminently reasonable advice. Your DH’s friend is not your friend, and it is not reasonable to expect you to look after him when DH isn’t there. If DH were going out for a couple of hours, maybe, but two days out of four? No way.

He can't say 'friend come and stay but I'm disappearing for days of your visit ' that's just rude.

He either doesn't go the conference or he moves the friends visit.

This is not your monkey.

UANBU

Perhaps you could invite a friend too to dilute him - less awkward

I would probably do it too if it actually meant not much time in the friend’s company. I also wouldn’t feel obliged to spend quality time but treat it more that the friend is using the house as a b&b.

But this would all be contingent on DH acknowledging that he owes me one massively. At the moment it doesn’t sound like he understands how this is putting you out in any way so I’d say no on those grounds. Are there other friends at this club who can put him up?

Does the friend actually know yet that your DH is now planning on going to this conference? Because given what you say about his personality I would have thought he wouldn't be happy about the new proposed arrangement and would change his own plans accordingly.

Sounds to me your DH is very aware how rude he is being by prioritising this conference and that's why he is so annoyed that you are saying you don't want to host his friend alone.

I think.you are entirely justified in your view point .

Sounds tough. Could you invite a friend round too for dinner so it’s a bit less awkward one of the nights?

Can you think of something you really want to do that would be a PITA for your DH?

This! ^
No way! This is an issue got your husband to sort out.
Stand your ground.

Why can’t DH just do one day of the conference as a compromise?
I don’t see why this should all fall on you!!

Ha, what does he think you're his man servant!?

My thoughts are no you shouldn’t be expected to
host alone , I wouldn’t want to but it doesn’t sound as if the friend would want to either, after all it’s your husband he’s coming to see .

This.
what a cheek.

Absolutely not. Why would he even think that’s acceptable?! I doubt the friend would even agree to that anyway, I would feel so awkward.

Can't the friend just come for less time so only there when DH is? I can't imagine he is any more keen to socialise with a stranger than you are. Which does beg the question had DH told him?

I'd be booking a weekend away for myself.

No I would not do this and I would make it clear that once I’ve said ‘no’ the conversation is over. I would also not be suggesting alternatives eg friend finds a Airbnb, they are grown adults they can sort it. Seems to me your DH doesn’t want to look/feel bad in front of the friend so he’s blaming you when in fact he’s just doing what he wants and expecting you to do what he says. He sounds very self centred.

One thing I often do in these situations is would I expect/ask DH to do this for me? In situations like this the answer is normally no, so that gives me my answer when he asks.

Would I hell do this!!

Is the conference in an interesting city? Can the friend go with him, share the hotel room and explore the city in the day?

if it’s the evenings you feel would be hard work, can you arrange to go out with friends /go to your mum’s house?

apologize to the guy and say ‘sorry, i organised something thinking you and my husband would be hanging out together’

Surely he needs to rearrange it?! I wouldn't entertain a stranger for a few nights, that's so awkward! Even if he says it's too difficult to rearrange, he has to!!! Or he doesn't go to the conference!