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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to host DH's friend on my own?

135 replies

VitaSays · 04/06/2025 23:16

Several weeks ago DH invited a friend of his from out of the area to come and stay for a long weekend so that they could go together to some local rock-climbing and hiking events. These activities are something they both enjoy. I've met the friend briefly once before and he seems okay, but he was very quiet with me and noticeably more comfortable talking to other men. DH's set-up suited me: they'd be out for much of the day and I wasn't required to assume much of the social burden of entertaining.

Now, DH has been asked to attend a conference that will take place over two of the four days his friend is due to be here. DH doesn't actually need to go but wants to because of the professional contacts he'll be able to make. We've had a falling out because he's assumed that I'll be fine hosting his acquaintance on my own. He's all 'He'll be fine, he'll just go off every day and do his own thing. You'll barely notice he's here.'

Even if he does go out during the day, I'm going to have to spend evenings with him and I really don't want the pressure. Having someone here one-to-one is so much more intense than sharing the burden with DH.

DH has stomped off to bed accusing me of being unreasonable and saying that this guy has been looking forward to this weekend for months and that I'm ruining everything and that I'm getting incredibly unsociable. I think that's partly true: I'm getting older and I'm more fussy about who I put myself out for. We have great friends who are always a joy to see, but I don't think this man is ever going to be one of those. AIBU?

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 05/06/2025 08:12

Your update makes a difference, OP.

Still, YANBU. But it may well be that the club do drinks and a meal after climbing, and the friend really just needs a place to crash. Also, if he is quiet he may be shy and really just prefer to watch a film on his computer with a drink after a long day outdoors?

Courgettezuchinni · 05/06/2025 08:15

His friend, his problem!

whitewineandsun · 05/06/2025 08:17

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 04/06/2025 23:21

Absolutely no way are you being unreasonable or should you host this man. Unthinkable that your DH believes this is Ok

He either stays and hosts the friend himself, or rearranges the visit.

This! It's your husband that changed the setup. He fixes it. DO NOT let him guilt you into this. I'd be so mad.

Sauvin · 05/06/2025 08:18

Totally unreasonable. I’m pretty sociable and like having people to stay but I would
refuse to do this. Your DH is being incredibly rude to his friend and incredibly rude to you by making it your fault.

FOJN · 05/06/2025 08:18

Your husband is being a cheeky fucker. How is it your fault if the friend is disappointed, your husband moved the goal posts by deciding to attend a conference when he had arranged to have a guest staying. He wants to have his cake and eat it and you are expected to facilitate that.

Stand your ground and keep telling him no. Either he cancels his conference plans or reschedules his friends visit.

SamDeanCas · 05/06/2025 08:19

I love the way your DH has said YOU have ruined everything, but HE’S the one who’s changed plans and caused this situation.

BuckChuckets · 05/06/2025 08:22

You're definitely NOT being unreasonable! I'd be pissed off if I were you and pissed off I were the friend. Either your DH reschedules the friend's visit or he stays at home to host.

Createausername1970 · 05/06/2025 08:24

If you don't want to, then that's fine.

From your update it sounds like he would be using your place as a base, rather than be sitting around all day

It probably wouldn't worry me. I would say to DH his friend is still ok to come, but I had provisionally arranged to meet up with my friends that weekend (even if I hadn't, I would still say this) so check that his friend is happy to fend for himself in the evening.

But if you aren't keen on him being there at all, then that is fine.

whitewineandsun · 05/06/2025 08:25

Good point about the friend possibly not loving this idea, either. Your husband needs to tell him so he can make a decision.

DappledThings · 05/06/2025 08:25

Seems like quite a lot of fuss over not very much. It's a couple of evenings where you have to make a bit of conversation for a couple of hours.

Dozer · 05/06/2025 08:26

YANBU.

DH is U getting pissy with you. This is his problem. It was his commitment to his friend, not yours. You’re not an extension of him, obligated to fulfil a commitment he doesn’t want to anymore.

Like DC are told, sometimes we need to choose between two or more things we’d like to do.

Dozer · 05/06/2025 08:28

His behaviour is disrespectful towards you. Better things to do would be to decline the conference or tell friend he’s chosen the conference, apologise and that unfortunately he can no longer stay.

Birdsongsinging · 05/06/2025 08:28

Vaxtable · 05/06/2025 00:32

DH has a choice cancel his friend and go to the conference or cancel the conference and his friend comes

simple as that

This

Noshadelamp · 05/06/2025 08:31

You don't need to pander to two men to save their feelings!

You're not ruining anything, that's on your DH.

He needs to either be there for his friend as arranged, or cancel his friend coming and take responsibility for the disappointment he thinks his friend is going to feel.

But also, this friend is an adult and arrangements change, both men need a dose of resilience.

Shinyandnew1 · 05/06/2025 08:33

DH has stomped off to bed accusing me of being unreasonable and saying that this guy has been looking forward to this weekend for months and that I'm ruining everything

He's the one changing the plans! If he's so worried about his friend, he needs to cancel the conference, not piss off to that because it sounds like a better offer.

I would be seriously pissed off with his attitude towards me just fixing his poor planning-is this heat you want for your future?

Wtafdidido · 05/06/2025 08:41

No I would not do this. I would feel uncomfortable and that is something I am never willing to be made to feel in my own home. It gets rearranged or suddenly that’s the weekend you are away with friends!

nopineapplepizza · 05/06/2025 08:43

Not your problem to resolve 🤷‍♀️

If DH isn’t there to host, then the friend doesn’t come. It’s as simple as that and DH needs to rearrange or not attend the conference.

I too am at the age where I cannot be bothered to give up my free time and labour to host people I’m not bothered about. Weekends are an important time to decompress and it doesn’t sound like it would be very relaxing to have your H’s friend there by himself.

Jewel1968 · 05/06/2025 08:44

I am a curious sort so I would go along with it. I would feel a bit uncomfortable but in my head these type of situations can lead to unexpected friendships.

Putting myself in his shoes I would feel very uncomfortable if I picked up vibes that you are not comfortable. If he is still willing to visit he might be less socially awkward that you think.

In your shoes I would host because life throws these curve balls sometimes but good things can come from it.

Naunet · 05/06/2025 08:46

So he thinks you're unreasonable not to host, but he isn't unreasonable in not hosting, despite him being the one to make these arrangements? Interesting 'logic' he's using there.

GuevarasBeret · 05/06/2025 08:51

It does seem like between the pair of you, you have rather forgotten the guest, who may have his own thoughts. Has anyone deigned to include him in the decision making, or was it just assumed by DH that he would not feel awkward without so much as a by your leave, and you just assumed that he wouldn’t pick up on your feelings and prefer to make his own choice/ arrangements.

Perhaps guest would prefer to arrive later/ leave earlier to avoid being around you. Perhaps he’d rather leave it until next time, perhaps he can now go out with others from the activity group, or visit relatives. Perhaps he’d rather do any of several options, if only one of you would stop being so bloody wet and actually talk.

zizza · 05/06/2025 08:53

Just say that the friend needs to book into a hotel for the nights your DH is away.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 05/06/2025 08:58

Yes. Just say you're not comfortable with a stranger in your house for 2 days when DH isn't there. If he's that bothered about cancelling on his mate he should cancel his conference. It's just work. It can go ahead without him.

Original poster
VitaSays · 05/06/2025 09:08

GuevarasBeret · 05/06/2025 08:51

It does seem like between the pair of you, you have rather forgotten the guest, who may have his own thoughts. Has anyone deigned to include him in the decision making, or was it just assumed by DH that he would not feel awkward without so much as a by your leave, and you just assumed that he wouldn’t pick up on your feelings and prefer to make his own choice/ arrangements.

Perhaps guest would prefer to arrive later/ leave earlier to avoid being around you. Perhaps he’d rather leave it until next time, perhaps he can now go out with others from the activity group, or visit relatives. Perhaps he’d rather do any of several options, if only one of you would stop being so bloody wet and actually talk.

He's not my guest. I haven't invited him. DH invited him without checking with me and then told me he'd be coming. Fait accompli, which I accepted because DH was going to be here and could do most of the hosting stuff. None of this has been my choice or been run past me before it's been decided.

You say
if only one of you would stop being so bloody wet and actually talk.

We have talked at some length and ended up arguing about it. Please stop being so bloody insulting.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 05/06/2025 09:11

Obviously DH needs to not go to the conference. He's got a bloody nerve stomping off accusing you when this is entirely down to him doing as he pleases and expecting everyone else to fall in line. If his friend is looking forward to coming and the club has laid on all these special events, then clearly your DH needs to stay and host his friend and go to the events as planned, not try to have it all. There will be other conferences. He has plans. He should stick to them. YANBU.

LittleMonks11 · 05/06/2025 09:12

No way. He makes you feel uncomfortable. If that’s not enough for DH then he’s an uncaring arsehole. Are there DC in the house too?