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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH tells me off publicly when I interrupt him while he's on the phone and I hate it - AIBU?

653 replies

Zeemie22 · 04/06/2025 20:42

My DH (44) tells me (36) off and doesn't hold back around friends or family if I interject while he's on a call, even if it is with a casual friend or one of his brothers or his mum or whoever else, not just business calls which I almost never interrupt. It makes me feel disrespected, like I'm small and I'm not allowed to be a part of that conversation even if it's his brother on the phone making plans for everyone getting together for a family lunch and me saying hey how about that XYZ place we went to. I said it thrice because DH ignored me the first two times. The third time he snapped at me and yelled that I have no manners and that I am interrupting him again and again while he's on a call. He was on a call with his brother. I'm his wife and I was to attend that lunch too as a guest at the restaurant my husband and my in laws were hosting.

Also, when I went to the restaurant there was a menu on the table and I picked it up and said can I order this - it was something grilled. He said no it is going to take a long time and they've already ordered and the food is going to come any minute. Well it took a good 20 minutes before the food arrived and I was only wanting a plate of mince grilled kebabs that I'm sure wouldn't have taken any longer than 20 minutes, and even if it did I wouldn't have had an issue waiting. And when he said no you can't order it, my MIL started laughing and I felt super embarassed. I felt insulted. I didn't want to to eat that table after that and my husband kept forcing me to eat when I had lost my appetite and started saying loud enough for others to hear well if you want a fight we will have a fight but not here, at home.

I felt insulted and belittled. Twice in a day.

Am I overthinking this? AIBU? What would you do if you were in my shoes? How would you have reacted?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Dunnocantthinkofone · 04/06/2025 21:59

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 04/06/2025 21:58

Sorry, but are you very young? You’re post is coming across as something a teenager might write. Is this husband or father?

Now I’m sure it’s not nice being told off in public, but if you know that interrupting him when he’s on the phone irritates him (it would irritate most people) then why do you keep doing it?

And why are you asking his permission to order something on a menu? From the sound of it you’d already ordered and then changed your mind and decided you wanted something else. Again, perhaps he was too harsh, but again this is the sort of conversation I’d expect to be happening with a slightly ditzy teenager and not my spouse.

Perhaps his responses were over the top, but equally they sound rather like he’s reacting to you being incredibly irritating and rather childish.

FFS!!!!
read the bloody updates

RampantIvy · 04/06/2025 21:59

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 04/06/2025 21:58

Sorry, but are you very young? You’re post is coming across as something a teenager might write. Is this husband or father?

Now I’m sure it’s not nice being told off in public, but if you know that interrupting him when he’s on the phone irritates him (it would irritate most people) then why do you keep doing it?

And why are you asking his permission to order something on a menu? From the sound of it you’d already ordered and then changed your mind and decided you wanted something else. Again, perhaps he was too harsh, but again this is the sort of conversation I’d expect to be happening with a slightly ditzy teenager and not my spouse.

Perhaps his responses were over the top, but equally they sound rather like he’s reacting to you being incredibly irritating and rather childish.

Read the updates!

Dizzyinheights · 04/06/2025 21:59

He won’t support an application for a spouse visa because he’s got you tied to him this way. Please get some advice from a solicitor regarding a work visa. Is moving back to Germany an option?

alcoholnightmare · 04/06/2025 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MyHouseInThePrairie · 04/06/2025 22:00

@Zeemie22 your dh is a controlling twat who thinks he is above you and can treat you like a child.
It was obvious from your OP, even more from the following posts. Since when is it ok that you have to ask his permission to buy things with your own money
. Since is it ok to ‘tell you off’ or just to say ‘no you can’t’. Regardless of whether he has done grounds, it would have been extremely rude in any context.

What keeps you in that relationship?

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 04/06/2025 22:00

I don’t think you should interrupt when he’s on the phone. He was rude to you in the restaurant and I wouldn’t put up with that.

Agapornis · 04/06/2025 22:00

Abuse on a spousal visa means you may eligible for indefinite leave to remain. Please, contact Women's Aid or any organisation that has helped you previously.
www.gov.uk/indefinite-leave-to-remain-domestic-violence-abuse

xPenelopePitstop · 04/06/2025 22:00

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 04/06/2025 21:58

Sorry, but are you very young? You’re post is coming across as something a teenager might write. Is this husband or father?

Now I’m sure it’s not nice being told off in public, but if you know that interrupting him when he’s on the phone irritates him (it would irritate most people) then why do you keep doing it?

And why are you asking his permission to order something on a menu? From the sound of it you’d already ordered and then changed your mind and decided you wanted something else. Again, perhaps he was too harsh, but again this is the sort of conversation I’d expect to be happening with a slightly ditzy teenager and not my spouse.

Perhaps his responses were over the top, but equally they sound rather like he’s reacting to you being incredibly irritating and rather childish.

In her OP she states she is 36.

She is also not a UK National - so English isn’t her first language.

Thirdly - please read all of the OP’s updates before commenting something so horrible and patronising.

I’d delete your comment if I were you.

SuperTrooper14 · 04/06/2025 22:00

Everyone kicking off at posters for not reading the thread – in fairness, OP's opening statement focuses on a behaviour trait that many people would find irritating (interrupting phone calls) and it's not uncommon on MN for posters to leap on the first comment and reply to that only.

WhatYaKnowGud · 04/06/2025 22:01

When he is on the phone YABU.
In the restaurant he is being very unreasonable.

Enigma53 · 04/06/2025 22:01

Growlybear83 · 04/06/2025 21:52

Sorry but I think it's far far ruder of you to interrupt your husband when he's on the phone that it is for him to tell you off for doing so! Unless it was a dire emergency, I would never consider interrupting anyone during a phone call, and if anyone talks to me when I'm on the phone, I generally ignore them.

OP is being abused! She’s living with a nasty controlling arse hole! The phone calls are just a tiny snippet of the shit she’s dealing with!

Dizzyinheights · 04/06/2025 22:01

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/06/2025 21:58

YABU to interrupt him when he is on the phone.

He IBU to not let you order what you want at a restaurant.

You both sound difficult to live with.

Oh do shut up and read the thread before posting rubbish.

RampantIvy · 04/06/2025 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I have reported her nasty post.

Ddakji · 04/06/2025 22:01

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 04/06/2025 22:00

I don’t think you should interrupt when he’s on the phone. He was rude to you in the restaurant and I wouldn’t put up with that.

Fuck off! Fuck off with these stupid comments that show you think your opinion is more important than helping the OP!!

Shes in a violent relationship which you would know if you bothered to read the fucking thread!!!

RampantIvy · 04/06/2025 22:02

SuperTrooper14 · 04/06/2025 22:00

Everyone kicking off at posters for not reading the thread – in fairness, OP's opening statement focuses on a behaviour trait that many people would find irritating (interrupting phone calls) and it's not uncommon on MN for posters to leap on the first comment and reply to that only.

It is lazy because it is very eaasy to click on see all and read the updates.

MumbleBumbleAppleCrumble · 04/06/2025 22:02

xPenelopePitstop · 04/06/2025 22:00

In her OP she states she is 36.

She is also not a UK National - so English isn’t her first language.

Thirdly - please read all of the OP’s updates before commenting something so horrible and patronising.

I’d delete your comment if I were you.

Show quote history

Fair. I’d only read the first post. Though really, why the need on some of these for such drip feeding of information? It only sets the OP and commenters up.

MyHouseInThePrairie · 04/06/2025 22:02

Zeemie22 · 04/06/2025 21:56

I'm not, and I'm tied to him via a spouse VISA and leaving him would also mean leaving the UK which I don't want to at this point, unless I get a work VISA which I might be able to, I've only just arrived here three weeks ago and I was living in Germany for the most part of these last 7 years. It's mostly been a long distance marriage but whenever he'd visit there was at least one incidence of abuse per every other time he'd visit. I've been more or less single these last 7 years.

Also the good times with him are good, but the bad ones are really really bad.

Show quote history

You’d be better back in Germany @Zeemie22
He showed you who he was then. He wasn’t going to get better when you moved in with him and be fully dependent on him.

You have some choices to make thete.
Applying furca work visa. Moving back.
But I can promise you that whatever choice you’re making will be better than learning to accept his abuse.

Ddakji · 04/06/2025 22:03

SuperTrooper14 · 04/06/2025 22:00

Everyone kicking off at posters for not reading the thread – in fairness, OP's opening statement focuses on a behaviour trait that many people would find irritating (interrupting phone calls) and it's not uncommon on MN for posters to leap on the first comment and reply to that only.

Reading all the OP’s posts isn’t hard.

Her thread is getting cluttered up by lazy fuckwits when she needs support.

MN need to start banning people who do this.

Original poster
Zeemie22 · 04/06/2025 22:03

TheSilentSister · 04/06/2025 21:51

I get infuriated if someone is trying to talk to me while I'm talking to someone else, either in person or on the phone. It's rude and distracting. There's no need.

If I feel like I want someone else's opinion, I'll ask for it, e.g. hang on, I'll just ask xx if he want to go, or hang on, xx is trying to talk to me but that one very rarely as it's still rude.
However, it does sound like your DH has form for putting you down but what came first, chicken or the egg? Has your behaviour made him like that? Does he make decisions for you all the time?
I'd seriously question the relationship tbh. Not a lot of love and respect from either of you.

Thanks for sharing your perspective. I honestly don't know which is it - I'm sure I am to blame as well and perhaps equally. I don't knuckle under. The family I come from, we don't make decisions for others and control anyone. But it's the opposite in his family. I am also not the easiest person to be with as well so that makes it really hard for me to leave, maybe I do deserve this is what I think at the end of day and maybe I am not the easiest person out there and maybe I won't find anyone better than him.

OP posts:
SuperTrooper14 · 04/06/2025 22:03

RampantIvy · 04/06/2025 22:02

It is lazy because it is very eaasy to click on see all and read the updates.

Show quote history

But not everyone does that so it's pointless some posters losing their shit and telling other posters to eff off. Frothing isn't helping OP with her dilemma.

earlgreyandlemon · 04/06/2025 22:03

Zeemie22 · 04/06/2025 21:02

He would have told the waiter no and that would have been more insulting than asking him. I just felt super self conscious because there was extended family at the table and didn't want him refusing the waiter outright as that would have been a more public rejection.

Show quote history

Overriding your direct order to a waiter like this would be incredibly domineering/ controlling behaviour.

I wouldn't stand for that from anyone, let alone my husband.

I can understand the phone thing (being interrupted is annoying, whoever you're talking to) but it sounds like there's a deeper issue here around control and telling you what to do/ making decisions for you.

Edit: Just saw your updates about his other behaviours and hitting you. OP, you must know that's not OK. Please get help to leave him. Women's aid is a good starting point.

AfraidToRun · 04/06/2025 22:03

I have a feeling this isn't really about the calls or the food.

You don't need a singular event to be bad enough to leave, you don't need strangers opinions, if its death by a thousand cuts its just as painful...

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/06/2025 22:03

Just seen the updates.

WTF, @Zeemie22.

Please get help. Do not stay with a man who hits you and most certainly do not have children with him. If I were you I'd make an appointment to have a copper coil fitted so you can prevent pregnancy without him realising you're using contraception.

Your future children deserve better than to have a violent father who hits their mother.

xPenelopePitstop · 04/06/2025 22:03

SuperTrooper14 · 04/06/2025 22:00

Everyone kicking off at posters for not reading the thread – in fairness, OP's opening statement focuses on a behaviour trait that many people would find irritating (interrupting phone calls) and it's not uncommon on MN for posters to leap on the first comment and reply to that only.

There should be a rule on Mumsnet that users can only post on a thread having read all of an OP’s updates first.

Also, someone having a trait that many people would find irritating shouldn’t give people the right to be so horrid and nasty.

Pistachiocake · 04/06/2025 22:03

Mandylovescandy · 04/06/2025 20:48

It would drive me mad with someone getting involved in my phone calls especially you sometimes do it with business calls but it sounds like there is more to it with the restaurant thing as well

I would get fired if anyone complained to my boss that I wasn't focusing on a work call (not that I usually get to wfh). If he's running his own business, a client might get angry if he seemed to be distracted while on the phone, so even occasionally interrupting work calls could cost a family money. I suppose it depends what your job is, but it surprises me that it would be ok not to be concentrating on a call. For the restaurant, it's not clear-usually they make sure all the food comes out at the same time and don't tend to have some dishes that take much longer to cook than everything else. Did you not order at the same time as everyone else-were you late, or did you change your mind? If everyone else was hungry/didn't have time to wait, I can see why they might have had a problem with it. If not, I don't see why it should be an issue. No one should try to control what you eat, unless it impacts them.