DH tells me off publicly when I interrupt him while he's on the phone and I hate it - AIBU?

[Zeemie22]

My DH (44) tells me (36) off and doesn't hold back around friends or family if I interject while he's on a call, even if it is with a casual friend or one of his brothers or his mum or whoever else, not just business calls which I almost never interrupt. It makes me feel disrespected, like I'm small and I'm not allowed to be a part of that conversation even if it's his brother on the phone making plans for everyone getting together for a family lunch and me saying hey how about that XYZ place we went to. I said it thrice because DH ignored me the first two times. The third time he snapped at me and yelled that I have no manners and that I am interrupting him again and again while he's on a call. He was on a call with his brother. I'm his wife and I was to attend that lunch too as a guest at the restaurant my husband and my in laws were hosting.

Also, when I went to the restaurant there was a menu on the table and I picked it up and said can I order this - it was something grilled. He said no it is going to take a long time and they've already ordered and the food is going to come any minute. Well it took a good 20 minutes before the food arrived and I was only wanting a plate of mince grilled kebabs that I'm sure wouldn't have taken any longer than 20 minutes, and even if it did I wouldn't have had an issue waiting. And when he said no you can't order it, my MIL started laughing and I felt super embarassed. I felt insulted. I didn't want to to eat that table after that and my husband kept forcing me to eat when I had lost my appetite and started saying loud enough for others to hear well if you want a fight we will have a fight but not here, at home.

I felt insulted and belittled. Twice in a day.

Am I overthinking this? AIBU? What would you do if you were in my shoes? How would you have reacted?

See OP’s many updates.

Another one (amongst many) who didn't bother with the "see all" function and posted irrelevant advice!

This isn't simply about the restaurant meal. It's about serious domestic abuse.

Do you seriously think an abuser such as this man, who likes to hit her in the face, is going to accept her getting up and walking out? Have a sudden epiphany and see the error of his ways? Of course he won't. He's much more likely to duff her up at home.

As far as the phone calls go, it really isn't about that at all, and it wasn't a business call anyway.

Read the thread, or at least OP's posts using the "see all" function!!

OP I am glad you can see you are in abusive relationship and want out.

In your plans, if you haven't already, please get some fool proof contraception that he won't be able to know about eg injection, the last thing you need is a pregnancy you don't want, to an abusive man.

You rent, you earn well, etc, you can walk away. It sounds like the DV situation you are in, there may be a way you can stay here, and I hope that you can.

Try to keep planning safely to get away. I love the idea of a female house share.

You sound lovely and deserve to be safe and happy.

Hi OP, really sorry this is happening to you and please know that you don't have to put up with this treatment, you are amazing and worth so much more! In case others haven't already posted, there are some organisations for ethnic minority women that might be able to support you and give you some advice particularly about changing your immigration status when leaving an abusive relationship. Not sure where you are in the UK but this website has a list of specialist organisations across the country:https://www.imkaan.org.uk/get-help Please be careful OP and stay safe xx

OP I am truly sorry you are in this situation. I just want to offer support in the limited way on MN you can. I have tears in my eyes reading your posts and am so concerned for your safety. Please, please do go to Birmingham and get help from your boss. You sound so lovely, clever and strong, do not let your situation and your awful partner and his family make you feel less. Do ensure you will not get pregnant, you are a grown up but if you are not using contraception get it sorted today. A child will give him more control and it is not a healthy dynamic for a child to be brought up in.
You are not the problem please remember that all day every day.💕

I think you are in the wrong here. he is on the call, not you.

Nothing worse than talking to someone on the phone and hearing someone else barking away in the background.

Have you read the thread?

At first I thought you were being unreasonable. It’s very annoying to have someone else talk to you when you’re on the phone and if someone has ordered a mix of dishes for everyone to share it’s better to go along with it. As the thread developed it became clear that you’re in an abusive relationship and need help. I think there are specialist support groups for women from Asian backgrounds who are in your situation. One is called Saheli. I would approach them and talk to someone.

Oh OP you could do so so much better than this awful man. And even if you don't meet anyone else, that's still better than being with him.

If you weren't allowed to stay in the UK, where could you live? Germany? Or would you have to return to Pakistan? I thought if you graduated in the UK, you could apply to stay? Do any other posters know if that's the case?

OP you are an accomplished woman. You do not need to put up with his shit. Please call women's aid for some advice. And call the police the next time this piece of shit lays a hand on you.

Edited to say; until you get away from him, can you secretly go to the GP and get the contraceptive injection? If you have children with this man, you will be tied to him forever.

Exactly this OP.

I'd interrupt his business calls by shouting as loudly as I could 'my abusive husband punches me in the face'.

Mumsnet has also inserted an explanatory post directly below OP's original post so new posters coming to the thread can immediately see it before posting their judgemental rubbish. It doesn't seem to be stopping them.

You amazing woman. Please leave this abusive dolt. Your uni and women's aid will support you with the steps. Agreed, speak to the GP or sexual health. You don't need a pregnancy at this time with this man. Please don't delay in getting support. You're going to have a PhD and a sparkling future and this will just be a shit memory 💐

I know. People are dicks.

I write on a post it note and plonk it in front of him if it is urgent

OP, you sound amazing. You are stronger and braver than you know. Leaving him won't be an easy chapter for you and thats ok but do it. You have so much to give and just think of all the incredible life waiting for you on the other side of leaving this loser. Good men don't feel the need to humiliate or belittle or abuse their wives. You can do this and I know you say you feel lonely but you've got a whole army of women here behind you that you can talk to. I'm looking forward to seeing your posts from when you leave and everything you get up to. Stay strong and keep talking to us ❤️

He knows I'm afraid of him hitting me again and he finds that amusing - maybe that is what satisfies his need for power and control as someone said and it's almost a relief. Someone said he tries to put me in my place and he admits to doing that - he says when you live with me, it's my rules

Hello @Zeemie22 I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

My ex husband did the same to me. I'm nearly 70 now, but after ten years of it, I finally left him. That was in 1990, so a long time ago.

Please get away. You'll feel such relief when you do. I'm really rooting for you and want you to know that you're not alone.

RTFT

RTFT. This man is a violent abuser FFS.

And what would you do when he then punches you in the face and smacks you across the room @Motheroffive999?

Do you get punched in the face?

There is something worse @lowlight - there's a man who physically abuses his wife by punching her in the face!!

Perhaps try reading OP's posts, and if you're one of those posters who thinks that's a waste of time... just read MN's pinned post right under the OP!!!

Apply for a work visa asap! Save as much as you can and leave! Do you have any friends/ family in the UK?

I really don’t like people in the room talking to me when I’m on the phone.
But, i wouldn’t tell you off in front of people. That’s humiliating.

I hope any new posters do the same as I did and read all your updates. I was conflicted and felt there may be more to the story and there was. I hope you can leave him and move on with a happier life soon. Please get support