DH tells me off publicly when I interrupt him while he's on the phone and I hate it - AIBU?

[Zeemie22]

My DH (44) tells me (36) off and doesn't hold back around friends or family if I interject while he's on a call, even if it is with a casual friend or one of his brothers or his mum or whoever else, not just business calls which I almost never interrupt. It makes me feel disrespected, like I'm small and I'm not allowed to be a part of that conversation even if it's his brother on the phone making plans for everyone getting together for a family lunch and me saying hey how about that XYZ place we went to. I said it thrice because DH ignored me the first two times. The third time he snapped at me and yelled that I have no manners and that I am interrupting him again and again while he's on a call. He was on a call with his brother. I'm his wife and I was to attend that lunch too as a guest at the restaurant my husband and my in laws were hosting.

Also, when I went to the restaurant there was a menu on the table and I picked it up and said can I order this - it was something grilled. He said no it is going to take a long time and they've already ordered and the food is going to come any minute. Well it took a good 20 minutes before the food arrived and I was only wanting a plate of mince grilled kebabs that I'm sure wouldn't have taken any longer than 20 minutes, and even if it did I wouldn't have had an issue waiting. And when he said no you can't order it, my MIL started laughing and I felt super embarassed. I felt insulted. I didn't want to to eat that table after that and my husband kept forcing me to eat when I had lost my appetite and started saying loud enough for others to hear well if you want a fight we will have a fight but not here, at home.

I felt insulted and belittled. Twice in a day.

Am I overthinking this? AIBU? What would you do if you were in my shoes? How would you have reacted?

He was setting you up.

He will do it again.

You earn your own money. You earn more than him. Please see a lawyer and leave earlier. You don’t need to wait 12 months. You have an employer- you are studying. In my country if you’re studying you can get a student visa and many people come to my country on this visa.

Please see a lawyer.

Please make sure you have birth control sorted.

You’re not with anyone decent at the moment.

The reason you don’t have friends is because of him.

After you have left him you will go out more, you will get back into your hobbies, you will go out with colleagues for after work drinks, you will eventually start dating.

After I turned 30 my boyfriend of 5+ years broke up with me and I thought I would never find anyone ever again. I dated a lot. I thought that I just wouldn’t find anyone. My self esteem was so low. Looking back on that time I was the one rejecting men.

You are a unicorn. You’re highly educated, you’re employed and you have no children. You are the sort of woman that men want to date and marry.

Your husband isn’t just abusive and a liar (I’m referencing the German police incident), he’s insecure and can’t even provide for you financially. He can’t afford for you to have a baby and he sure as $hit can’t buy you a house.

You married down when you should have married up. You need to think more highly of yourself.

This post isn’t about you talking when he’s on the phone and it’s not about him not allowing you to order at a restaurant. This post is about a man who is verbally, psychologically and physically abusive to you.

When I was at my wits end with my abusive partner I called lifeline and the person on the other end of the phone told me ”you’re smarter than this - you know what to do”.

So, I’m going to say to you:

You’re smarter than this - you know what you have to do.

It sounds horrible. What’s wrong if a place you’re all going to is being discussed, in interrupting with a suggestion? I’m sorry your do is not quite with it enough to be able to hear your suggestion and pass it along. I can do that, I bet you can do that, afaik most people can continue a phone conversation and understand “What about Alfonso’s?” coming in another ear from a person actually IN the same room as them.

I think your do sounds like horrible boor, his family are probably desperately embarrassed by his behaviour and wonder why on earth you put up with it.

Op please call the police each time he hits you. Leave as soon as you can. You deserve a warm loving respectful partnership, not this abusive set up. Please leave before getting pregnant, a clean cut from him soon rather then being tied to him through children.

When I read the OP I agreed with your OH that being interrupted on the phone is distracting (and yes rude). I'd never do it on a work call. If DH and I want to interject when we are on a call, that isn't mega important (the comment that is), then we write a note. When I told friends this once they took the mickey but it works. I'd do it if it if he was saying something wrong that was significant, such as "oh yes we are free on Saturday", "no DH were doing such & such then" but I'd not barge in and would probably catch his eye first. It reminds me of when the kids were very young and had to learn not to interupt all the time.

HOWEVER having read all your posts OP, this is domestic abuse. I know there is a running joke on MN about LTB comments, but please please LEAVE THE BASTARD!

It’s clear, now that I’ve RTFT(!) that he’s an abusive controlling bastard. I’m glad you’re planning to leave. Be bloody careful.

van you talk to Women’s Aid or a local DV service so they can help you plan? And then execute the departure? I’m sure you’re more than capable of planning and doing it, but another, experienced head is always helpful, not to mention supportive.

Do keep posting on MN, but bypass AIBU, use the Relationships board instead. It’s been a long time since I practically lived there so any info/advice I have is way out of date, but back when I was always there, there were so many amazingly knowledgeable, kind and helpful posters who really did freely and willingly give their time, thoughts and typing fingers to MNers who needed their help to get away from their abusive exes.

MN is a resource of almost all sorts. That’s one of them, and one which you need now. Please do use it!

good luck. You’re going to have to do a lot of ‘grey rocking’ between now and then.

You’ll have such a great life once you’ve rid yourself of the rubbish you’re married to. You’ll find someone actually decent once he’s out of the picture.

You are being horrendously abused. You need to leave this piece of shit. You will have a far better life without him or his family in it.

Don't be embarrassed. He is the one who should be embarrassed because of his own disgraceful behaviour. You are obviously a highly educated and intelligent woman and you are worth a million of him. You deserve so much better than this.

Please get help from somewhere like Women's Aid to get away from him safely.

Even this thread could be something you submit to the Home Office in support of domestic violence. Seriously OP, don’t wait for this guys actions to get worse. He knows you’re successful, you earn more than him, this puts you in a very dangerous position. Please do not have children with him as you’re stuck with him at least co-parenting and his cult sounds dangerous. I knew from post 1 that there was something like this going on, people seriously need to read posts before throwing out insults and so called advice.

OP you are one clever and courageous lady. You don’t need this loser in your life. Please consider the domestic abuse category, or even switching into some kind of work / study visa. You risk serious harm or worse if you wait for the right moment. You’ve been on my mind since last night, please keep us (safely) updated how you are. I pray you find the strength to walk away and never look back 🙏🏻

You say this horrid man could make you lose your marriage visa... actually, he can't.

But what you CAN do is put him into jail for domestic violence.

OP, you're an intelligent woman. Go to the police and ask for advice.

If you don't, your husband will, one day, kill you.

You KNOW what you have to do. I am here to tell you you're right. DO it.

You will save your life. And give yourself your freedom back to have a truly happy life.

Why did you not just order what you wanted?
The others had already ordered. Why did they order without you?
Were you late?
I also think it is poor form to interupt people in conversation with others though it is equally rude to not consult your spouse when arranging an outing to a restaurant where you both will meet others.
Did your DH ask your opinion before the phone call?
If not. He should have said to his brother - that sounds pretty good but I will just run it past XXX too. You make sure it suits XXX and I will call back tonight.

Unless of course it was a very impromptu meeting with very short notice and he was just saying yes to a meal out with brother who rang him. In that case you had a choice to attend or not.

What a disgusting man he is OP. Please pack your bags and go. I’d put you up myself!

Your husband is regularly abusive. Not only does he hit you in the face and laugh about it, he is emotionally/financially abusive and controlling in other ways too. (Your thread title was rather misleading OP.)

You have your plan and time-line in place to leave him. Excellent.
But he wants to have a child with you. And that’s the biggest danger in your story. Can you bring your time line forward and finish your thesis well away from him in Bristol, in peace.

Do everything in your power to prevent pregnancy. Your knowledge of biology will come in useful …unless he forces you into sex.
A child would tie you to this evil, power hungry man for the next twenty years. And then you would have to worry about him hitting the child too.

My advice is to gather your strength to leave this man and divorce him sooner rather than later.

You are a strong woman OP. Don’t risk fighting with him, - he could kill you. If your employers can help in any way with a work visa, please turn to them so that you can get away quickly. All the best of luck to you.

Your feelings are valid because they are your feelings
i wouldn’t want anyone shouting at
me in public or not .
maybe you need to sit down together and talk about boundaries ?
sounds like one of your DH’s boundaries is not being interrupted whilst taking a call
and one of yours is not being shouted especially in public
“I feel disrespected when you shout at me in front of other people if you have a problem I’d prefer we speak about it privately “
but as someone asked in an earlier reply is this part of a pattern ? Do you feel controlled ?
Either way respect how you’re feeling don’t look for permission from others to feel something

Please please get a long term contraceptive to help you safely get out of this mess.

Does your employer/Uni have an EAP? Can you access it.

Do everything in your power to prevent pregnancy. Your knowledge of biology will come in useful …unless he forces you into sex.
A child would tie you to this evil, power hungry man for the next twenty years. And then you would have to worry about him hitting the child too.

This. People are saying use contraception but I say not having sex with this monster is the way forward if at all possible. And if thats not possible - you really need to call the police/get out asap because no one should be forced to have sex. Ie. Raped.

By the time you are doing mental gymastics like this, it's pointless.

LTB

Come on - read the OP’s updates.

There’s clearly a bit more going on than
phone conversations being interrupted.

@Simoneshine and @user1492757084 and anyone else who has missed the major developments in this thread - try reading all the OP’s updates before you comment.

Please leave him.
He is an awful human being.
He is physically and mentally abusive.

You need to leave him ASAP
Could you not do your thesis in Bristol?

Even if the true picture of what OP is going through isn't revealed in the opening post, a lot of the posters who can't wait to put the boot into an OP are now on the back foot and scrambling to justify their original nasty posts. It is easy to click on 'See All' to read all the OP's posts without wading through 42 pages of comments and updates. Luckily the nasty comments (which OP is obviously used to) haven't driven her off her own thread before the true picture is revealed and posters can provide helpful advice to an abused and vulnerable woman.

I used to work at a University and your husband's statement that every second person has a PhD is absolute rubbish. Getting accepted for a PhD is an amazing achievement and the fact that you are managing to work on it despite your husband's physical and emotional abuse is a testament to your resilience. He is a disgusting, inadequate little man supported by a horrible family. You are a million times better than all of them.

There are domestic violence charities in the UK for women from your country/religion who can help you. Please seek their advice and make plans to leave him. You deserve to live a life without fear and violence.

I had already voted YNBU reading the first post and then there was MN's advice to RTFT but I didn't really need to. I knew what was coming.
OP, you are a talented and educated woman and already know that you are being abused but you may be reluctant to leave this man owing to your residency concerns in the UK right? That if you leave your husband, you may have to leave the country? That it is important to you to continue to live in the UK so that you can work and send some money back home to your mum? I think this is the sort of "embarrasing" thing you have to ask for advice about and LEAVE that abusive prick once you have your concerns addressed. Use contraceptives so you dont get pregnant or better still, dont have sex against your will, it is marital rape and crime in the UK. There is already the domestic violence that you can report to the police. You should contact Women's Aid, or other South Asian based women's organisations asap. I wish you the very best.

OP, I live near Bristol and would be happy to help, be friends, help you get settled, tell you where’s nicer to live etc. I’m sure there are lots of other mumsnetters in the area who would feel the same. I’m it not from your culture but it doesn’t bother me if it doesn’t bother you 🙂 I’m happy to be friends with anyone. Oh, I also spent a couple of years living near Verden in Germany, so we may have some experiences in common there.

Regardless, keep posting. Relationships is very supportive and some of the women there have been where you are. Support is available, please just ask 💐

Well leave. It wont get better.